Video Transcript: Learn How To Resolve Conflict & Restore Relationships

Now we've been in this series all summer on the eight beatitudes of Jesus. Jesus says there are eight conditions for being blessed by God. It's the first 10 or 12 verses of the Sermon on the Mount. And Jesus says, if you do these eight things, you will have God's blessing on your life, on your relationships, on your finances, on your time, on your health, on all these different areas. Blessings come from these things. And when we come to Matthew chapter five, verse nine, we come to the next to the last beatitude. And it says this, God blesses those who are peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God: the mark that you are really a child of God, the proof that you are on your way to heaven. One of the characteristics of a true believer is you're a peacemaker.

Now let me just start by telling you what peacemaking is not. You might write these down. It's not avoiding and it's not appeasing. It means some people think, well, I keep peace in my marriage. I just don't rock the boat. I sweep everything on the rug. I swallow it, I grin and bear it. That's not peacemaking. That's cowardice. That doesn't help at all. So peacemaking is not running or avoiding, running from the problem. It's not appeasing. Appeasing means I always give in. They always get their way. It's peace at any price. Appeasement is not peacemaking. That's called co-dependency. Jesus Christ never ran from a legitimate conflict. He knew how to deal with it, face on, and how to resolve it, and how to restore a relationship.

Now, the Bible says God blesses those who are peacemakers. Do we need peacemakers in our world today? Hello, right now, there are five wars going on in our planet, five international wars. I don't know the last time we had five of them going on at same time. That doesn't count all the internal strife going on within nations. It doesn't count strife at the border of our own nation. It doesn't count all of the conflict going on between the sexes, conflict going on between generations, conflict going on between races, between religions, between the political parties. It doesn't count all of the conflict going on in cultures, between rich and poor, between educated and uneducated men and women and on and on and on. We definitely need this message, not just in the world, but in our own personal lives. 

Now what I want to do this weekend is teach you what you've never been taught before in school or anywhere else, and that is the seven steps, according to God, for resolving a conflict and restoring a broken relationship. That doesn't mean you get back with your ex. It means that you bury the hatchet. It means you make peace, that there is no longer resentment there. Now, before we go into these steps, I want to just quickly mention three reasons why this ought to matter to you, because you don't realize how much unresolved conflict messes up your life. Some of you have been in a conflict with somebody for weeks or months or years or even decades, and you just said, Well, I'm just going to let it slide. I've been out of fellowship with my dad since who knows when, or my mom or my brother or my sister, and you just let it slide, not realizing the damage it actually does to your life. The Bible says that when you don't resolve a conflict, when you just let it lay out there, pretend like it's not happening, you try to get on with your life without ending that conflict, three things happen. Write these down.

Number one, the first problem with unresolved conflict, it blocks my fellowship with God. You cannot be right with God and wrong with other people. The horizontal and vertical relationships in your life come together at an intersection, and God says, I can't be right with God and wrong with you. What? That's exactly what he says. And God says that I can't claim to be close to God if I'm distant from somebody in my life that I've got a conflict with. It is an amazing thing. Now, the Bible says this In First John, chapter four, verse 20, it's up here on the screen, you can't love God whom you've never seen, if you don't love the people you do see, to claim that you love God while hating others makes you a liar. That's pretty clear. He's saying, I can't say me and God, we're like this, when you and me are like this, stand off in conflict with each other.

Number two, it not only blocks my fellowship with God, it blocks my prayers. It keeps my prayers from being answered. Did you know that when you're out of whack in relationships, the Bible says God cannot hear your prayers. They are connected together. Why? Because God is love, and the number one thing God wants you to learn on this planet while you're here is to learn how to love, and if you're in conflict with people, you certainly aren't loving them at that moment. Now, guys, let me just point out something that's a little scary for those of us who are husbands. Look at this verse on the screen. First, Peter, chapter three, verse seven, husbands, be considerate of your wives and treat them with respect so that nothing hinders your prayers. Are you telling me, Rick, that if I'm out of fellowship with my wife and I'm not treating her with respect, God is not hearing my prayers? That's exactly what I'm telling you, because that's what the Bible says. There is a connection between the horizontal and vertical relationships. Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.

There's a third reason why you need to resolve conflict: because it blocks my happiness. Now you know this in personal experience, you can be the most famous and wealthiest celebrity on the planet. And if your relationships stink, life stinks, you can accomplish all kinds of things and get your picture on the cover of Time Magazine and be awarded all kinds of awards for your accomplishments. But if your marriage isn't working, or you're out of harmony with your kids, or you don't really have any close friends, or you're out of fellowship with your own family, it doesn't matter how much money you make. You know you can go on a family vacation to Bora, Bora or Tahiti, and if you have a bunch of arguments there, doesn't matter how beautiful it is. It's not a happy time. It's just not happy. Now, the Bible says this In James, chapter three, verse 18, those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness. I want God's goodness in your life. How do you do that? You plant seeds of peace.

We're going to look at the seven seeds of peace that you can plant. Now, this is the law of sowing and reaping, or planting and harvesting. It's one of the universal laws in all of the universe. God designed the universe that what you sow, you reap. Now this is true for good or bad. If you sow gossip, people are going to gossip about you. If you sow anger in your children, they're gonna be angry at you. If you sow bitterness, you're gonna get bitterness back. If you sow resentment, you get resentment back. Works good, either way. If you're generous with people, people will be generous with you. If you're kind with people, people will be kind to you. If you're generous with praise, people will be generous with praise. But here's the interesting thing about sowing and reaping, you don't get back exactly what you put out. You get back more of the same. If you plant one kernel of corn, you don't get one kernel of corn back, you get a stalk with 1000s of kernels of corn. If you plant one tomato seed, you don't get one tomato seed back, you get dozens of tomatoes and 1000s of seeds.

Okay, let's look at these seven steps to resolving conflict, and you can use this in any area of your life. What I'm about to share you with you is going to save you 1000s of dollars of counseling so you can make the check out to the peace plan Saddleback Church, and we'll help people around the world with that who are in deep need.

All right, here they are seven steps. Number one, you want to be a peacemaker. Make the first move. You make the first move. You don't wait on somebody else. You take the initiative. Now, I know what you're thinking. You think, Well, you know, it's all their fault, and when they come to me, then I'll be glad to face the conflict and deal with it. No. God says he expects you to make the first step. That's what's called being a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper, but a peacemaker. Now listen, God says reconciliation in your relationships, having harmony in your relationships, is so important. God says it's more important than worship. It's more important than you coming to church. Now, don't everybody leave at once. But if you've got somebody that you're out of whack with right now, there's something more important than actually you listening to me. Here's what Jesus said in Matthew chapter five, verse 23, this is still in the Sermon on the Mount. Verse 23 and 24 if you're standing before the altar in the temple and you're giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember somebody has something against you. It doesn't matter if you got something against them or they got something against you, you leave your offering there beside the altar. Go at once and first be reconciled. Circle the phrase First be reconciled, that's to be the top priority in your life. First be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to God. Now this is Jesus talking. So if you leave during the offering today, we'll know why you're leaving. Okay, you got something to go work out with somebody else. But notice it says, Leave your offering. Okay? He said, leave your offering there beside the altar. Go at once and be reconciled that person. Now. How many of you have ever had an argument with somebody on the way to church in the car? Can I see your hands? Yeah, most of us, I've had it many, many, many times. And the Bible says it would actually be better for you to sit in the car and work out that disagreement than for you to come in and hear me teach. It's that important. Reconciliation takes priority. And when he says, When do you do it? You do it at once, he says it once. You don't procrastinate, you don't postpone, you don't delay, you don't make excuses. Now again, you have some relationship conflicts in your life that have gone on for months or years or longer, God says, Don't do that. You don't realize how much it's hurting you spiritually? Now it doesn't matter whether you are the offended person or you are the offender, or it's a little of both. God says you make the first move. It's always your move.

Now I have to admit, early in my marriage, I didn't get this. I didn't understand it. I ran from conflict all the time. I never did one! There was a guy in the in the musical Oliver called the Artful Dodger; that was me, and Kay would throw an issue at me, and I'd duck and I'd dodge, and she'd throw another issue, and I'd duck and dodge because I did not want to get into any kind of conflict. You know, in every marriage, there are skunks and there are turtles. Skunks, when they get upset, they stink the place up. If you're a skunk, you let everybody know when you're unhappy. Turtles, on the other hand, pull in to a shell and hide when there is conflict. Now, skunks always marry turtles, always, so I'm not telling you which one's which in your marriage, but one of you is the skunk and one have used the turtle and it's hiding and hurling. That's what we do together. Conflict is never resolved accidentally. It just doesn't happen. It's always intentional. You got to make the move. Conflict never resolves itself. Now you've heard the expression, Time heals all things. That's a bunch of baloney. That's not true. Time heals nothing. If you've got cancer, you say, I think I'll just wait for it to get better. It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. If you get shot in the side and you're bleeding to death, you think time heals everything. I think I'll just wait this one out. No, when you have a wound, it gets worse. It festers. It gets infected. Time has never healed anything in your life. It only makes it worse. And if you hold on to resentment and bitterness, it doesn't get better. It gets worse over the years, and you get more hardened, and your heart gets harder and harder. If time healed everything, you'd never need to go to a doctor. You could just go sit in the waiting room and say, Well, you know, I don't need to see the doctor. I'll be here 12 hours, and my flu will be gone, or my back will automatically heal itself. Time heals nothing. And the more you put it off, the worse the problem gets.

Now the I want you to write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. Write that down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. You can't go around it, over it, underneath it, behind it. You've got to go through it. And I'm going to teach you how to do this with the minimal amount of pain you have to make the decision I'm going to resolve the issue now. What causes us to postpone and procrastinate over issues that we know when we're out of whack with somebody at work or at home or in our family, whatever? Well, the answer is one word. It is fear. Fear. We're always afraid of conflict. I've seen very masculine, manly Marines who would die on a battlefield shrink in terror when their wife says four words. We need to talk. Those four words put the fear of God in every human male, we need to talk because people don't like conflict. Now this fear of conflict is as old as the first couple Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve disobeyed God. They got out of fellowship with God. They were out of whack with him. And here's what the Bible says in Genesis three: Adam said to God, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and so I hid. Now notice he says, I'm afraid because I was naked. What's he talking about? I feel vulnerable. I feel exposed. I'm not covered up. So I was afraid and I hid. And men have been hiding from women, and women have been hiding from men ever since, in relationships, we hide and we hurl and we're afraid. What is it that we're afraid of? We're afraid of vulnerability. We're afraid of being exposed. And that does three things. It makes you distant, it makes you demanding, and it makes you defensive. First, when you're afraid. In a relationship, you get defensive, and somebody brings something up, and then you get defensive about it, and you're afraid to reveal your true self, and you get distant. And what happens is we withdraw and we hide and we build walls, we become distant, and then we become demanding. The more insecure you are, the more you try to control things in your life. And the most controlling people are the most insecure people. And the more insecure you are in a relationship, the more demanding and defensive and distant you can become, because you don't wanna let me get close to you. Some people think I've talked to some singles adults who think, you know, the worst thing in my life is that I didn't get married. No, that is not the worst thing in your life. A far worse thing would be to get married and then live an emotional distance from the person you're married to the rest of your life.

And we see it all the time, when the very person you're supposed to be one with, you're caring, sharing, holding back secrets from and you can't reveal the true you, and you've been married to him for 20 years, you still can't be honest, can't be open, can't be vulnerable. That was what fear does. Fear keeps us from connecting at a deep level. What is it that I'm afraid of? Say I'm afraid of your rejection. I'm afraid you're going to misunderstand me. I'm afraid that I might say something in a conflict that you're going to come back and use against me later on. And it keeps us from connecting at a real level. Why am I afraid to tell you what I'm really feeling about this problem? Because if I'm all I've gotten you don't like me. That's it. Where do you find the courage to make the first move you keep waiting on somebody else to resolve the conflict? They're waiting on you. And peacemakers, take the initiative. Where do you get the courage to deal with your dad or your mom or your brother or your sister or a child, or your husband or your wife or an ex or something. Where do you get that courage? There's only one place, the Holy Spirit. God's Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God's love. The Bible says there is no fear in love. Now God is love. If you get full of God, the fear is going to go what motivates a normally rational person to run into a burning building because they know a baby's in there, and the fear is overcome by their love for that child. We never change until our love exceeds our fear. We never change until the pain exceeds our fear. And so the starting point is to say, God, I need you to fill me with your love, because perfect love casts out all fear. The Bible says this In Second Timothy one seven here on the screen, it says, God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power and love and self discipline. So everything I'm going to teach you today the steps, and they're very practical, steps cannot be done unless you get filled with God's love, because it is the love of God that's going to eliminate the fear and then you have the courage to make the first step. How do you get that love? You ask God for it.

So here's the second step, ask God for wisdom. You've made the decision, okay, I'm not gonna let this thing go anymore. I'm not gonna let it fester. I'm gonna deal with this conflict that's been under the surface for so many years or months, and I'm gonna ask God for wisdom. The Bible says in James chapter one, that if we ask God for wisdom, God will give it to us. James one, verse five, if you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you. So the first thing you do is you make decisions. I'm not going to go along with this unresolved anymore. I don't want to be out of fellowship with God. I don't want my prayers unanswered. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be miserable. So I'm going to take the first step. I'm not going to wait on them, and then I'm going to say, God, I really need your help. I need you to fill me with love, because I'm scared to death and God, I don't know what to say. I don't know when to say it, I don't know where to say it. I don't know what's the best time you plan a peace conference, and you find a time when it's good for them, not when you're tired. By the way, never have a conflict resolution while you're in bed. Save that for other things. In bed, if you start having a conflict about half the time you go through you start to get to major point you're going to hear and that kind of ruins it. So don't use the bedroom for your conflict area. But you get where you're alone, where you're not in a public spot, where people can be real, and you say, Okay, God, what do you want me to say? Where do I say it? When's the right time to say it? And you ask God for help. So God, I don't want to be out of whack with you. I don't want to be out I don't be have my prayers unanswered. So I want to deal with this issue now. I'm sure that even as I've just started talking to you about this, you're already thinking about somebody in your life that you know there's a strain in that relationship. It's likely somebody in your family or in your marriage, parents, kids, or maybe somebody at work. So I want to stop right here, and as your pastor who loves you, I want to pray that God will give you the courage to take the next steps we're about to do. Okay, let's bow our heads. Father, you know that we're all scared to death of conflict. Nobody who's rational likes it, and yet you have said that it's more important than worship, that we actually go get something right with somebody that we're out of harmony with. And Lord, we know you're not saying, Go back and and, you know, rebuild a really remarry us, an ex, or whatever you're you're just saying, bury the hatchet. Make peace, bring harmony. And I pray that You would give my peace. People, the people here in our church, the courage to reconcile, the courage to deal with tough issues that have been pushed under the carpet and swept into the corner and pretended like they were not happening. Lord help us to face what we're pretending not to know. Help us to be real and help us to have integrity, and God give us the right place, the right time and the right thing to say, and help us to come with the right attitude, ready to reconcile. In your name, I pray Amen.

Guys, men, maybe the most manly, masculine thing you do this week is man up and deal with a conflict that's been brewing that you know you need to deal with. So after I've made the decision to make the first move and I've asked God for help, now we get to the real practical stuff, and that's number three. I begin with: What's my fault when we get together and we have this peace conference. I don't start with what you've done wrong. I don't start with a bunch of accusations. I don't start with the ways I've been hurt. We'll get to that. But you start with beginning with What's my fault. Now the conflict may be 99.999999 their fault, but you can find something to confess. You can find something that was your mistake, even if it was in your poor response, maybe even in your defensiveness, but you begin with what is your fault, and instead of accusing and instead of excusing yourself, and instead of attacking and instead of blaming other people, I first look at what's going on inside me. And I want you to listen to very important the Bible says there are two causes of conflict, and the first cause of conflict is self centeredness. It's what's going on inside of me. See if I'm filled with peace, almost nothing upsets me. If I'm filled with love, almost nothing irritates me. If I'm filled with Jesus, almost nothing ticks me off. On the other hand, if I'm filled with me, ego, pride, self centeredness, anything can tick me off. Anything can make me mad, anything can irritate me. You can do the smallest little thing. And if I am full of myself, you could hurt my feelings very, very quickly. And so it all depends on what's inside me. And if I'm at peace with me and I'm at peace with God, other things just don't upset me because I'm at peace. So God is saying that the real source of the conflict and stress in your life is not all those jerks you work with. It's what's going on inside of you. Because if you were at peace, they wouldn't bother you. So the first cause of conflict is self centeredness. You see, I want what I want when I want it, and you want what you want when you want it, and when my wants bump up against your wants, we got a problem friend, and there's conflict. Here's what the Bible says, James, chapter four, verse one, what causes fights? What causes fights and quarrels? You know, conflict among you, they are caused by all the jerks around you. Now, it doesn't say that. It says they are caused by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside you. The conflict that you're having with other people is inside you. It actually starts in you. As I said, when I'm at why don't you write this down when I'm at peace inside, what's outside doesn't upset me. When I'm at peace inside, inside me, I'm at peace with God. I'm at peace with myself. What's outside me just doesn't tick me off. Now, it doesn't mean I don't agree with everything that I see. There's a lot I disagree with. It just doesn't upset me. It doesn't mean I don't think there are things that need to be changed. There's a lot that needs to be changed around me and in my relationships. It just means I don't get distressed. I can disagree without being distressed. And you are distressed not by the people around you. You are distressed by what's going on inside you and that response to the people around you.

You can disagree without being distressed. You know, when I used to do marriage counseling and I couldn't count the number of marriages I helped and tried to help, the number one reason people gave for divorcing was this: pastor, we're just, quote, incompatible. That was their reason. We're just incompatible friends. There's no such thing as incompatibility. It's a term made up by divorce attorneys to justify divorce. We're all incompatible because we're all different. Nobody's going to be completely compatible with you, because nobody's exactly like you. So no matter who you're with and who you're married to, you're going to be incompatible. The truth is, you can get along with anybody that you choose to get along with, and you can choose to love anybody that you choose to love. Now, if I were to summarize 1000s of hours of marriage counseling in two words, this is going to save you a lot of money. Here are the two words you need to hear that will make your marriage a success. Grow up. Stop being an irritating little immature, I won't say the word. It's immaturity that causes marriage to die. It's not incompatibility, it's inflexibility. I want what I want, and I want it now, and you want what you want. And neither of us are old enough, mature enough, smart enough, spiritual enough to change, and I am willing to let this thing die, then then change, and you're willing to let this thing die, then change has nothing to do with incompatibility. If incompatibility is was actually a concept, then exhibit A are Rick and Kay Warren, because we are the exact opposite in every DNA cell in our body, we it's "Oh, blah dee, oh, blah, die. You say, hi. I say, low. You say, Why I say, I don't know." It's just, we are on the opposite extremes in every area. We have different backgrounds. We look at life differently, have different temperaments. We are so opposite of each other. Now, actually, the marriages that are hardest are where people are too much alike, because after a while they get bored with each other. The greater your differences in your marriage, the greater your potential for growth. I'll say it again. The greater your differences in marriage, the greater your potential for growth. And the primary purpose of marriage is not to make you happy, but to make you holy, to make you like Jesus. And I have learned more from my wife, because she's so different from me, than anybody else. You can learn from anybody. If you willing to be humble, you can grow and you can love and you can learn to love anybody. It's not a matter of incompatibility. It's a matter of maturity. Am I willing to grow up? Am I willing to be unselfish? Am I willing to be flexible and am I willing to learn, or would I rather die than do that?

I want you to write this sentence down. Okay, write this down. It's always more rewarding write this down. It's always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than dissolve a relationship. Kay and I had so many problems in our early years of marriage, we would be divorced if it weren't for Jesus. And what would have happened if we had given in to those desires to divorce in our early years? I wouldn't have the children I've got. I wouldn't have the grandchildren I've got, there would be no Saddleback Church, and many of you would still not be headed for heaven. I think of the blessings in the world that would have been missed if I had listened to my fears, or Kay had listened to her fears. It's always more rewarding to resolve the conflict than to dissolve the relationship.

So our nature is naturally self centered. I don't think about you. I think about me. And by the way, you don't think about me, you're thinking about you. You're thinking about you right now. What does this mean to me, and it's been really helpful to me and and the point is, oh, you're getting that. All right. It's my nature to be self centered, and it's my nature to be stubborn, and if I'm going to have a good relationship, friendship, work relationship, client relationship, marriage relationship, parenting relationship. I've got to think less about me and more about you. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible makes it very clear, is self centeredness, selfishness.

The second cause of conflict is pride, and in pride, I'm stubborn and in pride, I get my feelings hurt easily. Humble people don't get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do. They get their feelings hurt all the time. And so when my wound, my ego gets wounded, then we have conflict. Look at this verse up on the screen. Proverbs 13:10, says this, pride. Let's read it aloud together. Pride only leads to arguments. And where is that verse found Proverbs, 13:10, now that's such a short verse, that's going to be our memory verse this week. So we can learn this one. You can use this one. So let's say it aloud together. Proverbs, 13:10, pride only leads to arguments. And where is that? Proverbs, 13:10 you're going to need this one, by the way, what does proverbs 13:10 say? Pride only leads to arguments. And where is that found proverbs 13:10 that was the first verse that Kay and I memorized in our marriage, we memorized it on the honeymoon. Why? Because we needed it on the honeymoon. We were already at each other's throats fighting on the honeymoon, we are so different. I want to do this, and I want to do that, and you want to do this, you want to do that, and we had to memorize that verse before a week of our marriage was up, and it has helped us many, many times. Pride only leads to arguments. Now, think of a conflict you're in right now, and if you're in a log jam, and maybe you've been in this conflict with your mother or your father or your wife or husband or friend or somebody you've been in it for years, and you're at a log jam. You think nothing is ever happening. There's no movement. We're not making any progress. I am going to give you a secret miracle sentence that will break any log jam in any argument, guaranteed. I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that will break a log jam in any conflict, if you'll use it. Are you ready? Here it is, I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself. Now, when your spouse wakes up from fainting, you can say it again. I'm sorry I was only thinking of myself, and they'll faint again when they wake up. Then you can actually start dealing with it. When was the last time you said that to somebody? Have you ever said that in your marriage? No, and yet, how many times were you only thinking of yourself on a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase you need to memorize and get over your pride, which causes conflict, and begin to say, and somebody, your husband or your wife says something to you, and you start to get defensive about it, and distant and demanding. You just say, I'm sorry. I was only thinking to myself, and you watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon, and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down.

Now, the reason you need to learn to say that is because you have what's called blind spots in your life. The blind spots are the weaknesses you don't see. In your life, you have a lot of weaknesses that you know about, and you know about those weaknesses in your life, those aren't blind spots because you can see them. The blind spots are the weaknesses you can't see. That's why they're called blind spots: because you can't see them. You have weaknesses in your life you have never seen now. We all see them. We can see them real clearly. We can see your weaknesses really clear. You don't have to defend them because you don't even know they're there. They are your blind spots. And that's why you need other people in your life who can actually point out to you what you cannot see your blind spots. Those are weaknesses you don't even have any idea. You're clueless that you have that weakness. That's why you need to come to conflict with a humble heart, and you begin with your own faults. Here's what Jesus says. Notice this verse, Matthew seven, verses three and five, same sermon on the mount. He says, Why do you notice the little speck of dust in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First take the wood out of your own eye, and then you'll be able to see clearly. That's the blind spots to take the dust out of your friend's eye.

Now, guys, you don't understand this, because 2000 years later, we don't understand Hebrew humor, but that sentence is a joke. It's humor. You may not realize this, but the sermon on the mount is filled with laugh lines. Jesus told a lot of jokes, and he used a lot of humor in his preaching. We just don't understand it, because we don't think in Hebrew humor from 2000 years ago. Hebrew humor is humor by exaggeration. And so Jesus is when he would tell stuff, he would often throw in a laugh line the sermon on that's filled with some funny stuff. We just don't get it. For instance, when Jesus says, you've heard this one, it's easier for the camel, to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to hold on to his money and to get into heaven. Now,  when Jesus, said that, they died laughing. Oh, Lord, that's a good one, a camel going through an eye of a needle. Yeah, right, that's, you know, that's obviously impossible, okay? And they're like, oh, Lord, that you're too funny. That's hilarious. You know, when Jesus says, hey, you know those religious leaders over there, they strain at a gnat and then they swallow a camel. Oh, Lord, you're killing me. Lord, that's too much. This guy should be on Comedy Club, you know, try the liver. I'm here till Friday. I mean, it's great. Oh Lord, that's just you've been strained in a gnat and swallow. It's a funny line. Now we don't get it. We're going now the meaning, Greek meaning of the word gnat, right over our heads, totally oblivious to what Jesus is, using humor and sarcasm to make a point. And here he's saying, Hey guys, before you get the speck of sawdust out of your wife's eye, why don't you get the telephone pole out of yours? Oh, Lord, you're killing me. Oh, you might please stop. I'm dying. I'm dying. You know, he's telling humor.

Now here's the point. He's saying, You need to confess you're part of the conflict first. So I need to say, when I come to you in this peace thing, I don't start with you. I don't start with all the ways you've hurt me. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. But right, just start with me and I go, have I been unrealistic? And I'm asking myself, am I being insensitive that's caused conflict? Am I being over sensitive that's caused conflict? Am I being ungrateful, and I just haven't showed gratitude to this person and that and that's hurting. Am I being over demanding? You just do an honest evaluation. You say, What are my blind spots? All right, then, once you've done that, you've confessed you're part of the problem. 

Number four, I listen for their hurt and perspective. I listen for their hurt and their perspective. Now it's very important I listen for hurt, because there's always hurt in a conflict. We think we argue over ideas, but we actually argue over emotion. We argue over feelings. And anytime there's a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt, somebody felt abused, somebody felt slighted. It's not the idea that causes the conflict, it's the emotion behind the idea. How many times have you heard me say hurt people. Hurt people. In other words, the more I'm hurting, the more I lash out at everybody else. People that aren't hurting don't hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving to others. People who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are at peace are at peace with everybody else. But if I'm hurting inside, I'm going to hurt you, and the more I hurt, the more I'm going to hurt you, the more I'm going to lash out. The people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least. The people who are most obnoxious and irritating and just, you don't even want to be around them, those are people who need massive doses of love. Hurt people. Hurt people. My mom hurt me. Well, you need to know why she was hurting. My dad hurt me. You need to know the hurt that caused him to hurt you. Hurt people. Hurt people. Now I want to tell you this principle, it doesn't matter if it's in a marriage or if it's in the marketplace or if it's in the Middle East, when people feel they're not listened to, when people feel slighted, when people are robbed of their dignity, they get mad. Doesn't matter if it's on the border, or if it's in Ukraine or anywhere else that there's a conflict, when people feel their dignity is destroyed, when people feel they're not being listened to, they're not being paid attention to, they're not being valued, they get mad like a cat pushed back into a corner.

And if you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, their hurts and their interests. You want to be a good salesman? You don't start with your product. You start with their need, their hurts and their interests. You want to be a good professor or pastor or anything?. You start with their needs, their hurts, their interests, not what you have to share, but what they need. And if you want to connect with people, that's where it starts. So you listen for their hurt, and you're actually listening behind the words. It's not what they say in an argument that you need to listen to. You need to listen to the emotion behind the words; emotion's far more important, because people will say one thing, but they're feeling something else, like: How you doing? I'm fine. I'm fine means I'm not fine, in a lot of cases. James, chapter one, verse 19, says this: be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Now if you do the first two, the third is automatic. If you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak, you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand, if you have a trigger temper and you get angry really fast, I'll tell you why: It's because you're not quick to listen and you're not slow to speak. In fact, you're quick to speak and slow to listen, and that's why you get angry. How many times have I told you God gave you two ears and one mouth, you should always listen twice as much as you speak.

And this is the next step in conflict management. You listen to their hurt and you listen to their perspective, because you don't know their perspective. That's why there's conflict. I want you to write this down: always listen before speaking. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always listen before speaking. This is the key to diffusing conflict. You listen before you speak, and then people feel validated. Your ears are actually love organs, because when you speak, you're showing love by listening to them. Now, so are your eyes. When you look at people and you pay attention, you're saying you matter to me. You're valuable. You're worth my attention. Philippians two, four and five says this, each of you should look circle the word look. We'll come back to that a minute. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others, and your attitude should be the same as that of Christ. Jesus.

What is he saying? You intentionally switch your focus from your needs to their to their needs. Conflict Resolution starts with the way you look at the situation, the way you see it. That word 'look' there. Said, don't just look at your own needs. Look at the needs of the person you're having a problem with. That word, look is the Greek word scopos. We get the word microscope. You look at little things that you don't normally see. Telescope, you look at stars you can't see up close. Scopos means to focus, and it says your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own. You are most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else, your child, your wife, your dad, your client. When you're focusing on somebody else's hurts and you study your own, that's when you're like Jesus. When Jesus is on the cross dying for the sins of all mankind, he's not focusing on his pain. He's saying, Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing. He's still focusing on us, even in the middle of his pain. So he says, focus, scopos, try to see their perspective before you go mouthing off on your hurt, your need. Those are legitimate, but go ahead and first try to focus on their perspective. How do you do that? By paying attention. There's an old Chinese parable, a proverb that says, seek to understand before seeking to be understood. That's what Jesus is saying here. You see we're so busy trying to get the person we're in conflict with to see our position, we're not listening to theirs. We're so busy speaking, we're not listening to theirs, and as a result, we move further and further away.

Now let's just take an example, the people that you work with, and you have some people you work with, and you think that one person, they one person, they are so irritating to me, every time I get around them, my blood starts to boil. I just don't even like being around them. And the reason why is you don't scopos. You don't see their circumstance, you don't see their temperament, and you don't see their background. The people that you work with, the more you understand them, the more patient you're going to be. The less you understand the people you work with, the more impatient you're going to be. Why? Because it is human nature. When you're working with people, we tend to judge how far people have to go, we look at them and go, Man, they got a long way to go before they start being mature. Instead of looking at how far they'vegot to come, when you look at how far they've come, then you start cutting them some slack. And if you scopos, you actually take the time to get to know that jerk and find out their temperament, their background and and and the things that they're going through, their pressures, you'd cut them some slack. You go, man, if I had had a father like that, I'd probably be irritating too, if I had gone through all the difficulty they went through, if I had experienced that kind of prejudice, if I had experienced that kind of bigotry, if I had understood the hurt, if I had had that hurt in my life, I probably wouldn't be as far along as they are. Stop looking at how far people have to go, and start looking at how far people have come, and then you're listening for their hurt and their perspective.

Now there are two areas, the Bible says that you are commanded by God to be patient with, to be understanding with, and to be considerate of when you're dealing with anybody else. It's in Romans, chapter 15, verse two, we must be considerate of the doubts and fears of others. Circle doubts and fears. Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good, and thus build him up in the Lord. Anytime somebody does something that you go, 'that doesn't make sense. Why in the world are they doing that?' It's almost always a fear, and if you just look at their behavior, you're going to be quite judgmental, but if you look at their fear and you find it out, you're going to be a whole lot more understanding. We are to be considerate of the doubts and fears of others' that will make you more patient. Now here's the problem: my fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal. Your fears are stupid. They're irrational. They don't make sense, and that's the way we feel. My fears. There's a legitimate reason why I'm afraid of this, and you ought to be afraid, too. You, on the other hand, your fears, nah, nah. Just you just poo-poo them away. Husbands. Do you poo-poo the fears of your wife? Honey, you shouldn't fear that way. That's very helpful. Thank you.

Listen, all fears are irrational. All fears. Fear, F, E, A, R: False Evidence Appearing Real. And mine are as irrational as yours are. We just have different ways of rationalizing them. You know what rationalize means? Rational lies. We tell ourselves rational lies. He goes, mine are natural, yours are unnatural. Mine are normal, yours are unnormal. Mine are legitimate, yours are illegitimate. No, we must be considerate of the doubts and fears of each other, and when you do that, the conflict is going to go down in your marriage, and the conflict is going to go down with your kids, and the conflicts going to go down with the people you work with, and your customers and your clients.

Okay, number five, the fifth step after I've admitted my faults, and I've listened for your hurts and perspective, now I speak the truth tactfully. Speak the truth tactfully. The truth sets you free, but you've got to say it with love, you've got to say it with kindness, you've got to say it with tact. People say, Will I just tell it like it is. That's called being rude. Don't be proud of that. Don't ever be proud Well, I just tell it like it is. That means you're a jerk. It means you don't really care about other people. You just want to get it off your chest, speak the truth. The Bible says this: Look up here on the screen, Ephesians 4:15 speak the truth. What in love? The truth is not enough. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it, and if you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. You must always speak truth to your children in love, parents. The moment you start yelling at your kids, they're not listening to a word you say, all they're hearing is the emotion, and they will remember the emotion and will not remember the words. It doesn't work. You are never persuasive, when you are abrasive. You never get your point across by being cross. You're upset with a waitress or the clerk or anything like that. Any time you start acting in an irritating way, they're not listening at all. You must speak the truth in love. You never use truth as a club. People change faster and people change easier when the truth, and it's often difficult to receive the truth, when it's wrapped in love. I call it a 'truth burrito.' You wrap it in love so that people can receive the heart truth. Truth without love is resisted. Truth with love is received. And so it's not just what you say, it's how you say it.

Now the Bible says in Proverbs, 12:18, reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Now, what's he saying? There in a conflict, foolish words hurt and wise words heal. And it's your choice. You never get your point across by being cross. It's all in the way you say it. Yesterday, I was abducted by a group of young men in our church who took me to San Diego to Comic Con. And it was a blast. I wanted to go as Batman, but Kay wouldn't let me. And everybody, there were 100,000 people at Comic Con, and, I mean, everybody's there. I mean all of the superheroes are there, and all the great TV shows and all the science fiction and all Lord of the Rings trilogy and Star Wars and Star Trek and and 100,000 people are at this place, and about 10% of them are dressed up. And it was just a lot of fun.

But as 100,000 people are going into the Convention Center in San Diego, there are two guys, obviously Christians, standing there with giant yellow signs, with frowns on their faces, clearly not enjoying it, not saying a word to anybody, just standing there looking angry. And they were what I call 'turn or burn.' You'll die and fry while we go to the sky signs. Okay? One of them said, Repent, something like repent or go to hell, something like that. And the other one said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved. Now the fact is, both of those are true, but that we're not speaking the truth in love, it's true. I do need to repent. And it is true, I do need to accept what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross. I guarantee you, nobody got saved yesterday from those signs. Not one single person. Why? Because they were speaking the truth, but they were not speaking the truth in love. Does this make sense? It's not just what you say, it's how you say it. Sometimes you watch these preachers on TV, and you know, they've got an anger management issue, and they're out of whack with their wife at home, and then they're angry at their wife, and then they're coming to church every weekend and spiritually vomiting on everybody else. Bah. And they feel really good, but everybody else goes home feel a little sticky, you know? I mean, you take the truth of God's word, but you wrap it in love.

For instance, the Bible says in Romans, 3:23, All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Now I could teach that truth to you two different ways, all of I could shout it to you in anger. I could say it like this, All have sinned and all have come short of the glory of God. Amen. He'd go home. Rick yelled at me. I don't like that. Okay? Is that the way Jesus would quote Romans, 3:23, shouting like he was happ? Like we're all going to hell in a handbag. It's true, or I don't think so. I think Jesus would say it like this kind of matter of factly. I think he'd say it with a broken heart. I think he would look out at the world and go, All have sinned. You know, everybody's wanted, everybody's messed up. Nobody bats 1000 we've all sinned. Everybody comes short of the glory of God. I don't measure up to my own standards, much less God's I think that's the way to say it.

You see the difference? See the difference in that you see the difference between Saddleback and some other churches. It's the same truth. It's the way it is shared. And if you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. Now the Bible says in Ephesians, 4:29 do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed. That's one of the greatest verses on parenting you can ever learn. Or in marriage or in friendship, don't use harmful words, fact in your marriage, to your sinner, your spouse is a sinner. Two imperfect people cannot make a perfect relationship. So you're going to have conflict. You are going to fight, you're going to argue. You're going to have conflict the rest of your marriage. Now the question is, are you going to fight fair or not? And what you need to do is you need to establish some ground rules so you don't destroy yourselves in the inevitable conflict of life. And you need to take some words that are inflammatory and say: sorry, these are off limits. We're just not going to use these words. There are certain words that you can use that trigger your spouse and enrage them. And there's certain words your spouse uses on you that can trigger you into rage or depression that they need to not use. You need to take them off and say, fighting fair. We're not going to use these words in our marriage. One of them is the threat of divorce. You're not going to say, well, then we'll get a divorce. You need to take that one off the table. You need to close the escape hatch of your marriage. You need to lock it with a key and throw the key away and say, we're going to make this marriage work if it kills us. Okay, it may, but it will keep you going further.

During the Cold War between the Communist East and the capitalist West, between the Soviet Union and its allies, and the United States and its allies, even in the height the Cold War, from the 1950s on to about when the Berlin Wall fell, and I think it was 89 even in the worst moments of the Cold War, both sides agreed that some weapons were off limits. We called them WMDs, weapons of mass destruction, and we said, we may fight, we may argue, we may have conflict, but we're not going to use the big one. Neither side is going to drop the atomic bomb because of what was called Mad: M, A, D, mutually assured destruction. And both the Soviet Union and America and our allies all knew that if one atomic bomb was dropped, it was over for the world. That was going to destroy the whole place.

You need to ban the weapons of mass destruction from your marriage. There are certain words that just need to go. Those are off limits. We're not going to use them. And you need to make a list of them. And you need to agree and say, we may be so mad and so upset, but we're just not going to use these words. Do not use harmful words. You need to learn to fight fair.

Now that leads me to the sixth step. Write this down, fix the problem, not the blame. This is the sixth key to resolving conflict and restoring a relationship. Like I said, this is worth 1000s of dollars of counseling. Fx the problem, not the blame. You need to learn to attack the issue, not each other. You need to realize that you're both on the same team. Any time you're busy fixing the blame, you are wasting energy not fixing the problem. If you want Exhibit A of this, look at Washington, DC. The President blames the Congress for everything that's going wrong, and the Congress blames the White House for everything that's going wrong, and nothing is getting done. Why? Because, as I've said many times, you spell blame "be lame," and right now, everybody in DC is being lame. They're blaming each other, and as long as you're busy fixing the blame, you are not fixing the problem, as long as you're attacking each other, you're not attacking the issues.

Now, God is very, very specific about the kind of words that are out of bounds, and you don't say, but you did this, but you did that, but you did this, but you did that, but you did this, but you did that. That blame game is a waste of time. Stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem. You got a problem with sex in your marriage? You got a problem with finances in your marriage? You got a problem with in laws in your marriage? You got a problem with children in your marriage? You got a problem with work schedule in your marriage? Stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem. Now, God is very specific about the kind of words that are out of bounds, Colossians, 3:8 is just one example. I could give you dozens. I don't have time to do this. Let me just give you one. You must rid yourself of these WMDs, these weapons of mass destruction, of all such things as these, anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips. Okay, he says, in your marriage and in your relationships, no angry rage. In other words, you should never try to intimidate anybody with anger. You never make threats; that doesn't work. You don't intimidate with anger and threats malice means you say things that are intentionally designed to hurt, like you're just like your mother,  or labeling or belittling or psychologizing. Well, now I know why you did that! No, you don't. You can't even figure out your own motivation. How in the world would you figure out the motivation of anybody else? There's no way you can know anybody else's motivation, because you don't even know your own half the time. And then no slander. That means no insults, no insults, no belittling, no no labeling. Fix the problem, not the blame.

Finally, number seven, the seventh step is focus on reconciliation, not resolution. Focus on reconciliation not resolution. There's big difference. Reconciliation means reestablishing the relationship. That's what it means re-establishing the relationship. We bury the hatchet. Doesn't mean we remarry. If you're with an ex, it just means we're at peace with each other. I'm not holding on to any hurt. You're not holding any hurt. It's 'we buried the hatchet,' reconciliation, re-establishing relationship. Resolution means we resolve every disagreement, and that isn't going to happen, because the truth is, there's some things in your marriage and some things in your friendship and with other people you're just never going to agree on, because we're all different, but you can disagree without being disagreeable. That's called maturity. That's called wisdom, that's called Christ-likeness, being like Christ, to disagree without being disagreeable. We can have unity without uniformity. We can walk hand in hand together without seeing eye to eye, okay? And I don't see eye to eye with my wife on a lot of different things, but we walk hand in hand, and we're now coming up this next year will be our 40th year of marriage. All right, you can have reconciliation without resolution. And here's what I've learned from counseling marriages, if you focus on restoring the relationship, oftentimes the issue becomes insignificant. How many of your biggest arguments were over the smallest things, and they weren't really about that, and you need to get back to focusing on the relationship.

Now, let me wrap it up. Here's my challenge to you as your pastor who loves you, our world is filled with conflict. I mean, we it's just pick up the newspaper. It's everywhere you go. And in a world where there is constant conflict, wars, division, argumentation, stress between people, where there are prejudices and racism and clashes, where we have everything from violence and tribalism and terrorism and people getting in each other's face and partisanism and people attacking each other constantly, and as a result, we have broken relationships. We have a broken economy. We have a broken government. We have broken marriages and we have broken lives and broken hearts. My challenge to you as your pastor is that you will commit to becoming an agent of reconciliation in a world filled with conflict, that you will become a bridge builder, not a wall builder, that you will look for ways to bring people together rather than tear them up. It is not by accident that the first letter of saddleback's peace plan, P stands for promote reconciliation and plant churches, because this is your ministry.

Let me show you what the Bible says. Last verse on the screen, Second Corinthians 5:18, to 20, says this: God has restored our relationship with Him. In other words, God made us his friends. We were estranged, we were unreconciled, and God has reconciled us to Himself through Christ. Jesus died for our sins, and He says, and now he has given us this ministry of restoring relationships. Your ministry, if you are a Christian, if you're a follower of Christ, if you claim to be a man of God, a woman of God, your ministry is the ministry of restoring relationships. Your ministry is the ministry of reconciliation. Your ministry is doing everything I just taught you how to do. God was in Christ, restoring his relationship with humanity. He was reconciling us to himself. He did not hold people's faults against them, and you shouldn't either. And he has given us this message. What is the message? The message of restored relationships, to tell others. You know what those guys at Comic Con should have had? They should have had a sign that said God has forgiven you and wants you to be his friend. Jesus Christ loves you so much he'd rather die than live without you. He has broken down the barrier and the wall, and he wants you to be reconciled to Him. God wants a relationship with you, and then he wants to give you that relationship to others, the message of restored relationships, to tell others we are Christ representatives. We beg you, on behalf of Christ, to become reunited with God. That's what it means to be a witness. It means to go out in society and say, Hey, man, God's done everything to put you back in in fellowship with him. He's already paid for all your sins. You don't have to be his enemy. He's not mad at you. He's mad about you. Be reconciled to God, be at peace with God, and then spread that peace with everybody else. And if you do that, the Bible says this God blesses those. God blesses those who are peacemakers. They will be called the children of God.

Let's bow our heads and do you need to plan a peace conference this week? Do you need to pick up the phone and restore a relationship that's been starved or strangled or strained or even deeply broken? Take these steps. It takes courage. Just tell God, I want to be a peacemaker this week. I want my prayers answered. I want happiness. I want to be in fellowship with you. So I want to restore the relationships that have been broken. And God, I'm scared to death. Just tell him that. Help me. Do you need to make a peace plan for your home? Make a list of the WMDs as you go. These are off limits for us. Let's agree that we're never going to use these words again in our marriage. Maybe you've never made peace with God. And if you're at war with God, and you've never received Jesus Christ as your Savior, you need the peace of God, so you can have the peace of God. Say, in your heart, Jesus Christ, I admit that I've made many mistakes, and I need your forgiveness. And the biggest mistake is I've tried to run my life without you. I've tried to pretend like I was God, and I'm sorry, and I humbly ask you Jesus to save me, and I ask you to come into my life, fill me with your peace and your love, so I can share your peace and love with others, with their heads still bowed, if you prayed that prayer, let me know about your decision in just a minute. Take the bulletin, and there's a little flap that has a decision card, and you can check the box I committed my life to Christ, and then drop that in the basket, so I can send you some mail this week that will help you with your decision. And I can pray for you, Father, as Pastor, I pray for these people, these dear people, that we would become agents of reconciliation in a world of conflict and where there is strife, that we might bring peace. And I pray this giving you the glory and asking for you to give us the courage and love. I pray this blessing in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.