Video Transcript: Step One: Relationship - Build it! (3-4)

All right, we're sort of following this book how to influence friends and tactfully  get along with people. We're looking at what Paul did. He wrote a letter to  Philemon, and the first whole part, first section of that letter, Paul builds the  relationship before he deals with the conflict or the potential conflict. So we're at  number three, communicate that you both need God's grace. Philemon 3, Grace and peace to you from God, our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Now perhaps this was a greeting. Paul used it several other places. You know, we see  someone and we say hi, or how are you? A lot of times it's just a greeting. It  doesn't really mean what it says. But I think Paul specifically puts this here  because of the word grace he's highlighting to Philemon that, look, we're both  saved by grace, and we need to understand that before we get into this,  implications of grace. Grace number one, I'm not perfect, and so I'm bringing a  problem, and I might, may skew it. I may, I may see a problem when there is no  problem, or I may communicate in some ways, that I think you're the problem,  but I could be wrong about that. I'm not perfect. But number two, you're not  perfect. Either. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. So we have two non perfect  people who need the grace of God in their lives discussing an issue. Or number  three, who am I to criticize you? And number four, who are you to criticize me?  Nobody likes unwanted, unasked for criticism. So Paul just came in, you know,  with his letter, and said, All right, I got a problem with you and Onesimus. And  here it is, no when we say something, a lot of times, when we give someone  criticism, if we're asked why we did it, we would say, Well, I'm doing it for their  own good. When we talk to our kids, you know, hey, do this. Don't do it this way.  Or the boss talks to his employees, and he's sort of directing them, or a coach,  or a person in church, or a person will come up to me after a sermon. I  remember a couple years ago, someone came up and said to me, you may  want to rethink that whole sermon after you read this book that I just read now,  they could have said it in a nice way. They could have just said, Hey, great  sermon. In fact, I just read a book that's on that that you might be excited to read about. I mean, they could have done it that way, but instead they said, you might want to rethink your whole sermon. I mean, you know, so I've just spent, you  know, 10 hours making it. Now, I've delivered it. I've done the best that I can,  and the first thing I hear is that I should just start all over. It feels when you get  unasked for, unwanted criticism, it feels like sabotage. You know, you've worked  hard at something, you think, you know, perhaps that it's good, or you've done a  good job, and then someone torpedoes what you just did. Number two, it's often  in public which is embarrassing. When, when that person said, I should read this book, there were three people standing around, the three people that I know  well, and they just roll their eyes at this person because, you know, we're all  embarrassed because of it. Number three, it automatically triggers a defensive  attitude. A person isn't ready for criticism. It comes out of the blue, and all of a  sudden, it hits you, and the first thing you want to do is defend yourself. Number 

four, it kicks in the part of the brain that controls one's lawyer instincts. Someone says something, I want to say something back generally, because a person,  when they criticize someone, they just say what the criticism is. They don't give  their whole thinking. They don't give the ground. They don't give the whole  history behind it, things that they have seen and known before. Otherwise, they  don't give you any of the background to their thoughts. They have, like a like  they have. They have judged you and they have condemned you without you  even being there for the trial, and all you get is the verdict delivered. And so of  course, you're like, hold it. I When was I even on trial? And number five, at  worst, it takes away motivation to change. When people criticize, when they're  told what they've done wrong, it just brings out anger, and now all my energy is  going to anger. It's going into my defense, and I'm not really thinking about what  I should do or what I should change. So people don't like unwanted, unasked for criticism. Why do we do it? Why do we criticize people? Number one, it's been  done to us by parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, spouses, children, pastors,  members. People do it to us all the time. As a parent, you're constantly telling  your children, put your clothes on, do this, do that. No, don't do it that way. You  get your shoes on backwards. You know, we're constantly correcting and  directing our children at almost every step. If you were to just listen in a day to  all the words that you say to your own children, most of it is correcting and  directing. So we've grown up with it. Then you go to school, and teachers are  telling you, you know, you make a report, you do a test, and their red marks all  over the test are telling you that you did it wrong. You go on the playing field,  you join the team, and they tell you, you're holding the bat wrong. You're kicking  the soccer ball wrong. This is how you do it. Now, all these people are trying to  help, but we grow up with a constant barrage of people telling us that we're not  doing it right, so we live under constant criticism. So we do the same with the  people around us. Number two, why do we criticize people? It's easy to think  that I am right and you are wrong on most any topic. I mean, whatever I think  about a topic is what I think. And why would I think a particular thing on a topic  something that I think is wrong? So of course, what I think about every topic is  right. Now, I might not be as confident as some might be on a particular topic,  but in general, people tend to think that they're right with the way they're  thinking. They grow up a certain way. They grow up with certain expectations.  The people around me think this. So when you meet someone that doesn't think  that way, it's like you must be wrong. Number three, we genuinely want to help  someone, and we feel we can quickly help them with a few words of correction.  No big deal. So I had a friend back when I was a teenager, just learning how to  drive, and I had to we'd go somewhere. He lived one direction. I lived in another  direction, and we'd always meet in the middle, and then one of us would drive,  and he was late every time. I mean, if we were going to meet at one o'clock, he  would get there at 1:30 So finally just, you know, I thought we should just clear 

this up in a minute. You know, look, you're always 20 minutes late and and I  thought, you know, we're going to have a 30 second conversation. But he got all  defensive. What do you mean? Sometimes I have to wait for you, and we had  this big thing, and it didn't correct your thing. And even to this day, he's a half an  hour late to whatever it is that we do. So I'm thinking, this is no big deal. I'm  thinking, I can just offer my two cents. I see something wrong. I see that in  sports all the time, you're playing a game, and I can see that you're struggling.  And so let me give you a helpful hint or a helpful tip, and you didn't ask for that  tip. And generally, people it becomes more of a deal than we think it's going to  be. Number four, what the other person has been doing has been bugging us for a long time. And finally, we can't take it anymore. So you know, my friend, he's  late, he's late, he's late, he's late, he's late, He's late. And finally, I'm, you know,  I'm sitting there waiting for 20 minutes, half an hour, and I can't take it anymore,  so I'm a little upset, and so I can't help but communicate that to it. Criticizing  others. Number five, criticizing others puts us into the superior role in a  relationship, and often makes us feel good about ourselves if I'm the one  correcting and directing you that I am the one that's sort of in charge, I am the  leader. So we end up criticizing people, even though it doesn't really work. Why  criticism does not help correct anything and often makes relationships worse  than before. Number one, though you've been thinking long and hard about the  criticism you want to give someone, the receiver of your criticism is in no way  prepared to receive it. So you know, if I have a problem with something, I've  been thinking about it. I've been praying about it. I've rehearsed conversations in my mind over and over about this, and all of a sudden, you know, finally, I let you in on all this thinking. Now, you haven't been thinking about this, you haven't  rehearsed it, you haven't prayed about it, and I just come in with all my thinking  and, you know, all. All my criticisms towards you, and I'm ready, and I'm  prepared, and I have grounds and I have reasons, and I have examples ready to go. And you're like, you haven't thought about it, and you want to hold it. I want  as much time as you've had to think about this, to think about it, and give you  my response number two, unless you've communicated to this person a whole  lot of encouraging words previously, the person receiving your criticism will  doubt your motives in the giving of your criticism. I think you know researchers  have studied this, that for every one word of criticism or or correcting or directing that you give to someone that you should have seven positive things that you  have said in the past. It's a seven to one. Probably it's the other way around. We probably criticize and direct and tell people, you know, our thoughts all the time,  probably seven times to every one time we say something encouraging to them. Number three, people do not see themselves as needing correction. Dale  Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, he starts the  book off with a story of two gun Charlie or some gangster from the 20s who you  know, had killed people, and, you know, rob banks and all of this. And he was in 

a house, and he was surrounded by all the policemen, and they were shooting  their guns. And so he thinks he's gonna get killed. And so he writes his last will  and testament, and he writes, you know, you know what he's going to give to  who, and so on. But in the end, he says, you know, in all this, to a person who  never would hurt anyone. I mean, he had killed people, but he didn't see himself  that way. And Dale Carnegie made the point. Now, if a guy like this doesn't see  that he is guilty of anything that he needs correction. Someone like this doesn't  think that. What does the average person? Average person think of themselves? The average person does not see that they need all kinds of correction. Well,  when does criticism work? Number one, when you have a relationship with  someone that you've built up over a long period of time, because they know that  you care about them. Number two, when it is done with the sense that I could be wrong. So I, you know, I'm a pastor. I went to school for college for four years. I  went to seminary for four years. I've been preaching for 30 years, and yet I'll still  have someone come up to me after a sermon sometimes, and they'll, they'll  start telling me how I missed the point and how I got it all wrong. And they will  say it like, this is the way it is, like this is fact. Now I understand that this is what  they think. And of course, people can think anything, and you know what, I could be wrong, but they're coming to me is, if there's no question about, you know,  this is what they think, and they think I'm wrong, and that's the way it is. And it  always amazes me. Why have you gone to seminar? Have you studied all these it doesn't mean that I can't be wrong, but just a little humility, like, you know, I  could be wrong, but this is what I think I mean just that phrase alone would help. Number three, criticism works when it's done with humility. Look, neither of us is  perfect, and both of us stand in need of grace. I need grace. You need grace.  And so there's this thing. It's come up this. It might be a problem. I don't know.  Can we talk about it? See if you come in with a little bit of humility. If you come  into a problem or a potential problem, a conflict with someone with a little bit of  grace, I could be wrong. I could have misinterpreted everything. I could have  missed the whole point. You could too. So, you know, we have to talk with each  other. We have to sort of go back and forth to sort of figure this out, and  probably it's just a big misunderstanding. It's not that you're wrong and I'm right.  We don't have to play that. We don't have to be competitors. Number four, when does criticism work? It works when the ground rules of a relationship have been  established and agreed upon ground rules that give permission for correction,  suggestion or even criticism, if it's done with respect and honor. You know when  you join a team, you know a sporting team, in a sense, when you join, when you sign up, you're saying to the coach, look, I give you permission to criticize me. I  give you permission. I expect that when you see something that I'm not doing  right, I give you permission to call me out on it. See now I'm ready. And I think  we have that sort of understanding with maybe teachers, in some ways, with  parents, but it has to be said we have to understand that I am asking for it. If you

just give unwanted criticism where there's no expectation of it, people will often  not listen. So Philemon, so Paul goes on in verse four, I always thank my God,  as I remember you in my prayers. So he talks about God's grace. Then he goes  on to say, I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers. We're still in part one, build a relationship. Number four, communicate that you thank God for  the other person. Paul did this a lot in his letter to the Philippians. 1:3, I thank my God every time I remember you. Colossians 1:3, I always thank God the Father  of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, I Thessalonians, We always  thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. II  Thessalonians, we ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and  rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love of all you  have for one another is increasing for II Timothy 1:3, I thank God whom I serve,  as my ancestors did with a clear conscience, as night and day, I constantly  remember you in my prayers. So this was a thing that Paul constantly did. Well,  why does thinking What does thanking God do for someone? Number one,  thanking God for someone helps you start to think of positive things about this  person. So if you start thanking God for someone that you don't like very well, or someone that is in conflict with you, they don't like you very well. It's easy to  think of all the things that separate you and all the problems and conflicts and  potential conflicts that you have. That's what you know goes back and forth in  your mind. You see this person, and right away, you think, I wonder what they're  going to say. They start walking towards you, and you wonder what negative  thing they're going to say. It's easy to think of all these negative things, but if you go to God in prayer, and the first thing you have to do is somehow, thank God  for that person that's hard and you have to start thinking of positive things. Well,  he seems to treat his kids, okay? I thank God he's a good parent. You have to  work at it. Generally, we work at thinking of the negative things. But here you're  forced the thanking of God for this person forces you to start thinking of the  positive things that this person has. And if you could think of a few of those,  maybe something good will happen in the relation relationship. What does  thanking God do for someone? Number two, thanking God for someone forces  you to humble yourself before God in regard to this person, when you're thinking negatively about someone, they have problems that should be corrected, and  you stand as the judge over them. Whenever you start thinking negatively of  people, you rise up above them. But when you have to thank God for them and  you think of positive things for someone that you don't get along with very well,  all of a sudden you have to humble yourself before God the thanking process.  Number one, pray for the people. Pray for people on a regular basis. If you just  pray for people in general on a regular basis, you'll have a more positive  relationship with them. So pray for your family, your friends, your organization. If  you're in a church, pray for your church director, just haul out the directory every  day. Pray for a list by name. Think about each one of these people. Number two,

pray for problem people in your life. These are the people you don't like very  well. These are the people that you have conflict. These are the people that are  maybe negative on you pray especially for them. And number three, pray for  people you want to resolve things with. You have these issues. There's potential  problems. That's what Paul's doing. He's writing to Philemon. They have this  problem Onesimus. How is it going to go? I don't know, but I want you to know,  Philemon, before we get into all that, that I thank God for you. I pray to God for  you. And I thank God. I'm telling when, when people know that they're being  prayed for, it makes a big difference. So the thanking process, so number one is  pray for the people on a regular basis. Number two, communicate in some way  that you are praying for them. It is there's praying for people, and you can do  that privately, but somehow you need to let the people in your life know that you  are actually praying for them. In the church plant that I did in Vancouver, we  moved to a new place, we got a new office, and it was below a sound booth. I  write that in this book, example of Tom. Tom was the owner of this sound studio,  and I was fascinated with that whole process and and I liked him. He didn't want  to come to church. He wasn't a believer, but we talked often, and one day he  was telling me how his sister was sick and she we had to go to the hospital, and  there were some tests, and she was he was quite worried about her, so I said,  Oh, okay, well, I'll put her down in my ACTS. And then I didn't say anything, and  he didn't dare to ask anything, so I just left it there. My ACTS was a little book  that we had made, and in that little book was my to do, list, everything I was  going to do for the day, but also my prayer thing, which was ACTS, adoration,  confession, thanksgiving, supplication. And every day, I would write down my  prayers in this little book. And I called it my ACTS. So I prayed for Tom and his  sister every day, and I wrote that down a week later, I saw him, and I said, So  how did that thing with your sister go? He said, Oh, the reports came back. It  was something else. It was something fixable. And were greatly relieved. And I  said to him, Well, I'm not surprised, because I put you and her in my ACTS. And  he finally had the courage to say, well, what is this ACTS thing? I didn't know  what you said a week ago, I still don't know what that is, so with me, so I  showed him, I said, Well, it's my prayer journal, and every day I write things  down. And so last week, when we talked, I wrote, you know, under supplication,  a prayer for you and your sister. And the next day, I wrote it again, and the next  day I wrote it again, and then I just showed him the whole week with his name  right there in my prayer journal. Now I'm telling you, you know, people say, Well,  I'll pray for you, but you don't really know, and you don't really expect that they're going to do. But when you're reading your name in someone's journal and you  see it every day, then you know that they were actually praying. And because of  that, he said, you know, what do you have copies of that? Because I'd like to try  that too. And eventually he ended up coming to our church. You can pray for  people, but people need to really know that you are actually praying for them, 

and what does that do that makes them more inclined towards you? What does  bringing up people's names before God communicate to these people? Number  one, that you deem them worthy of mention before the creator and sustainer of  

the universe? You see, you're you're building them up when they find out that  you've been thanking God for them in your prayers, it's like, wow. It's like, you  know, if I met the Queen of England, and you know, I had a little time with her,  

and I ended up talking about you number two, that you seek to honor them. My I honor you as a child of God. So so get out a list. Start praying for people. Write  down, especially the people that you struggle with, or people that you might may 

have a conflict with, before you go into the conflict, before the conflict arises,  before you deal with a thing that, you know there might be some hard feelings,  but you know you have to do it. Maybe it's someone at work that you work with,  and there's this thing, and then there's tension, and it's building, and you have  to, you know you're going to have to do something before you do that, start  praying for them, thank God for them, and then communicate that in some ways, and then somewhere down the road, you can talk about that.