All right, how to influence friends and tactfully get along with people. We're in a  we're in a management course. Management is all about leading on the one  hand, but helping people reach the goals of an organization on the other. And so you have to get along with people on the one hand, but you need to be helping  them go forward. We looked in part one of Paul's letter, the first few verses,  we're talking Paul. His main goal was building some rapport with Philemon. It is  a difficult thing to deal with, but he wants to start with the relationship. You know, we're friends. We're on the same team. We both need God's grace. Neither one  of us is perfect. There's some of the things I appreciate about you. There's  positive things I've heard about you. All the things that Paul says are about  building the relationship. Well, part two, Paul sort of moves very gently into  taking the relationship that has been built and now using that to influence. So  Paul is going to use what he has built, use the relationship to sort of go a little bit forward. So now he's starting to talk about the issue, but he's doing it in a very  gentle way. He's building on what he's done and moving towards his goal. So  how do you do that? Well, you start out by appealing to a higher motive. That's  what he does in verses eight through nine a therefore he says, although in  Christ, I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I prefer to  appeal to you on the basis of love. So Paul starts out, I could order you to do  what you should do, and that is one way to influence someone. That is one way  to manage, and it works fast. You want something done, you want to get  somewhere. You want someone to move in a certain direction. Just tell them  what to do. Bosses like to do this. Coaches like to do this. Parents love to do  this, just do this. It's very clear, you know, I'm telling you exactly what it is that I  want you to do, go clean your room, do this report, have it on my desk by  Monday. So force is a motivating tool. It works fast. It's very clear. But number  three, you must have the authority, you know, to order someone, and the power  you know boldness to do it. If you don't have authority over someone, you can't  just tell them what to do. They can just not listen to you, and you may have the  authority to tell someone what to do, but if you don't have the power So, so  maybe in an organization, there's someone that's sort of under you, and you're  trying to lead that person. You're trying to help them do something for the the  organization, and you tell him that he must do that, but if you have no power  over him, you can't fire him. You can't reprimand him. You can't there's nothing  you can really do. Then he doesn't have to listen to you. Force is a motivating  tool. You must be present. Number four, you must be present. You have to force. The Enforcer has to always be there. If you're not there, there's a saying, if the  cat's away, the mice will play, because the force is not there. Number five, it  must be constant. If you're going to motivate people by force, by just simply  telling them what to do, people are going to wait to be told what to do. They're  not going to think ahead. They're not going to use their own minds to figure out  what it is. They're just going to sit around and wait. And that's a trap that parents

often fall into. They tell their kids what to do, and it works fast, it's quick, it's  easy, but now the kids have been sort of mentored in that, and they sit around  waiting. They don't just go clean their room on their own. They don't go one day  say, you know, I think the garage is a little dirty. I think I'll clean that up for dad.  No, they got used to being told what to do, and that's what they'll do. Only what  they are told when what you really want is a is a team player, someone who  sees the problems and acts someone you don't have to constantly. You don't  have to be on their on their backs, pushing them and shoving them to get them  to do what they should do. So Paul says, I could do this. I have the authority.  Maybe I have the power even, but I don't want to do that. Guilt is. Another  motivating tool. If you don't have the authority and you don't have the power,  then guilt is something you know, I'm just going to make you feel guilty. Parents  often will do this. You know, after everything I've done for you, the least that you  could do for me is to clean up your room or to take care of this. Bosses will do  that. I pay your insurance, I give you a good wage, I give you something to do,  and then, you know, and then how do you treat me? How do you you know,  what's your response to everything I've done for you? Pastors and church  leaders will use this same motivation after everything that God has done for you, He sent His Son to die on a cross for you, and you can't even show up for  church on Sunday for one hour. I mean, I, you know, I've used that on people.  But the problem with guilt is it, it it works, and it works fast, but it number two,  has diminishing returns. People, people get used to that feeling and and they  don't respond anymore. And number three, guilt turns into something. The  problem with guilt is you put some guilt under somebody, and it doesn't stay guilt very long. People feel bad at first, but then they generally take the guilt they're  feeling and they turn it into anger. And the anger goes two different directions.  The one direction is out. Anger out. So you come and you make me feel guilty  about something, something that I should have done after everything you've  done for me. My dad used to do that. You know, he'd give a whole list of  everything that he's done for us, and we can't even clean the garage because,  you know, we saw it's dirty, and we didn't do anything. And he'd lay the guilt on  us, and then he would go on and on and on and on, and we'd start feeling like,  well, this is unfair. We very quickly would take the guilt that we're feeling and  turn it into anger, and anger out means I'm angry at you. I get angry at whoever  is putting the guilt on me, and that's what often happens. You can go with the  people you're trying to manage and you're trying to leave. You can try to make  them feel guilty, and they feel guilty for a little bit, but then when they get to the  back room and they talk among themselves, they start saying, Well, who does  he think? He didn't even notice what I had done? And on and on and on, and  they start getting angry at the person who made them feel guilty, so it  boomerangs back at you. Or sometimes, people will take the guilt they feel and  they'll turn it into anger in anger on themselves. Yeah, you know, I am guilty. I 

am I am so worthless. You know, I always do this. I feel at everything that I do.  And they just take the anger and they turn it in themselves. And anger in is  depression. So instead of motivating someone to go out and do something, all  you do is make a person that's either angry back at you or they turn into their  anger at themselves. So Paul instead, he doesn't he doesn't use the power. He  doesn't command Philemon what to do. He doesn't guilt Philemon, but he  appeals to a higher cause. What does that do? What is appealing to a her?  What even is that appealing to a higher cause? Paul says, let's I want you to do  something out of love, not because you have to, and not because I tell you what  to do, but because you want to be a loving, caring person. It's a it's a bigger  thing. It encompasses more than what we're just talking about. It's, it's the kind  of thing that, you know, a soldier joins an army and he fights for a country, but in  reality, he doesn't fight for the whole country. He fights for the group of people  that he gets to know he he's willing to die for his friends and his the group of  friends is a bigger cause than just himself. People are looking for a bigger  cause, or people will work really, really hard for a team that they've joined. They  wouldn't work that hard for anything else, but because they're on this team,  they'll put in the practices of my time. People will work for a company when they  feel like that company is actually doing something that may change the world.  Or the church. You know, when you're involved in a church and you really feel  like, hey, what we're doing could could really put a dent in the devil's kingdom  and propel God's Kingdom forward. It's something bigger than what I'm doing,  something bigger than what you're doing. And the commitment, number one,  actually grows as the project grows. If you appeal to a higher cost, hey, we're  trying to do something important here, and people get on board. But.  Commitment to it grows. We did a renovation in our church, and it was hard at  first, and people don't see the vision, and they don't see what it could be. But as  it went along, more and people are in the end, everyone wants to volunteer and  everyone wants to do something. Number two, it's self sustaining. You don't  have to keep commanding people. You don't have to keep telling people what to  do. You don't have to keep, you know, laying down a fresh layer of guilt. When  you appeal to a higher cause and people start contributing to this higher cause,  they catch on, and they get motivated in and of themselves, and they start  motivating other people. So number three, it generates enthusiasm. The team  gets excited about what it's doing. All right, so that's the first one of part two. Use it to influence. Number two is, communicate your own needs in the language of  the other others needs. This is kind of a complicated one, but listen to this  Philemon 1:9b-10. It is none other than Paul. Okay. Paul is writing this. He says  it is none other than Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ, Jesus,  that I appeal to you for my son, Onesimus, who has become my son while I was  in chains. Okay, so Paul, you know, Onesimus has been returned to Philemon  as a prisoner. So he comes back. He had escaped, but he comes back. He's 

now a prisoner. What to do with Onesimus, the prisoner? That's the question.  Paul here speaks of himself to Philemon as one who is a prisoner as well, in a  negative and positive way. Negatively, he's a prisoner of the Romans, but  positively, Paul is a prisoner of Jesus Christ. So Paul, in a sense, speaks about  the issue, the problem that they need to deal with. But he uses the language of  of Philemon, the language that that Philemon is immersed into here. Well, why is it important to speak to someone you're trying to influence in the language of  their own interests and concerns. Philippians 2 Paul wrote to that church in  Philippi, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather in humility.  Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of  you to the interests of others if you go into a conflict situation, and as you talk,  the person that you're talking to has the sense that all you care about is your  own situation, your own language, What you lack or don't lack, what you're  going to get or what you're not going to get, how the whole thing affects you. If  you constantly talk about this situation from your own perspective, then that  person will get that sense that all you care about is you, and that you don't care  about the other person, and you don't care about where they're coming from.  But if you take the time to try to see things from their point of view and actually  speak to them from their point of view, if they're hurting, you speak about hurt. If  they're into something, you speak, you know, if they use a metaphor, you know,  switch metaphors if there's if they start talking to you about, you know, how they  feel, they feel like a maid. And, you know, all I do is, you know, pick up after you  and so on. Well, don't switch the metaphor and start talking about sports,  because you happen to be into sports, because that says you didn't hear a thing about what they said about being a maid. If you're going to respond. You  respond using the same metaphor. Stay in the same genre to say that you're  actually listening to them. Well, how do you speak to someone you're trying to  influence in the language of their own interests and concerns, learn their  appreciation language. I mentioned this before some people feel appreciated  when you give them words. They're word people they need to hear. I appreciate  you. I you know, what you did for me made a big difference. They need to hear  those words. Other people, they are more sort of they have the language of  gifts. When they want to communicate that they care about somebody, they buy  a little gift. If you want to communicate that you appreciate them, you have to  speak in their language. You have to buy a little gift. For some people, I think I  mentioned myself as an example. My appreciation language is challenge. If you  appreciate me, then you will challenge me, or you'll give me. Be a challenge.  Hey, we'd like you to be responsible for this, because we know that you do well  with these kinds of things. That tells me that you appreciate me. So when you're  dealing with people, learn their appreciation language next, learn their hobbies.  What are they into? Are they into quilting? Are they into stamp collecting. Are  they into sports? If they're into these things, talk about these things. Use the 

language of sports as your metaphor. If they're into that, learn their trade  language. What are they into? What industry are they into? And if you're going  to use analogies and metaphors again, then pick something from something that that that they're into. And what does that do? It just tells them that you are trying  to figure this whole problem, this conflict, this thing you want to deal with. You're  trying to figure it out from their point of view, and you're listening and you're  open to their view. You're not just stuck on your own. 



Last modified: Monday, March 10, 2025, 7:27 AM