Video Transcript: Influence - Use it! (3-4)

All right, welcome back. How to influence friends. We're following this book how  to influence friends and tactfully getting along with people as part of the  management course, dealing with the people that are close to you, motivating  them, encouraging them, leading them, but doing it in a tactful winning way that  actually accomplishes the purpose of your organization. We looked at building  the relationship. Part two is where Paul sort of slides into using the relationship  to that that he has built to communicate something and to deal with the tricky  situation that he and Philemon are facing. So how do you do that? The third way is by appealing to mutual benefits. So you're trying to get someone to do  something, some think about something, something that they maybe don't want  to think about, that they don't want to do. And you do it by appealing to mutual  benefits. Philemon 11, formerly he, that is, one is the slave. Formerly he was  useless to you. How was he useless? Well, he ran away you. You invested in  him, you perhaps paid a price to get him, and then he ran away. He became  useless to you. But now he has become useful both to you and to me.  Remember Philemon? I mean, Onesimus had run away to Rome. Somehow  met Paul, became a helpful person to Paul, and now Paul has sent Onesimus  back to Philemon. And so Paul is saying, look, he was useless to you, but now  he's become useful for both of us, or at least it could be that way. So Paul is sort of appealing to mutual benefits. We could probably figure out something that  would be good for you and good for me before it wasn't good for you at all. And  now there might be some good thing that comes my way and your way, if we just think about this and try to deal with this tricky situation, what does the name  Onesimus mean? The name Onesimus means useful. So Paul is doing a play  on words. Onesimus has become what his name is. Again, the main concern of  Philemon was the loss of a slave who was useful, was useful useful, but after he escaped, became useless because, but because of Paul's influence, he's  become useful again for both Philemon and Paul. So in some ways, Paul is  saying you should be grateful to me, because I've taken something that is  useless to you and made him useful again. Ways of saying the same mutual  benefit, what is? What are? What are we saying? When we say mutual benefit, I get something. You get something. I scratch your back. You scratch mine. What  is good for the goose is good for the gander? Do unto others, and you, as you  would have others do to you. Give and take 50/50. Win. Win. Why is it easier to  get buy in from someone you're trying to influence when you show them what  they might gain in the bargain? Number One, people don't care until they know  you do so by telling someone that if you go a certain direction with my thinking,  that you'll get something, and I get something, it's like I'm getting outside of just  myself. Usually, people, in some ways, are angling to get something for  themselves. We live, at least in the United States, we live in a capitalist society,  and in capitalism, it's I am trying to win, and if you lose, then so be it. My  company is competing with your company. People are self absorbed. They are 

thinking about what they want, and how things benefit them. And that's true in a  family, that's true in a marriage, that's true in a church. People inherently think  about, well, how does this affect me? And they think of that first. So if you're  trying to motivate someone and you're trying to move them in a certain direction, it would be wise for you to think about what they're thinking, what do they want,  and is it possible that you could give them something that they want, and maybe you get something too. How are friendships built on mutual benefits? Number  one, friendships are built on shared interests. Friendships get started because  people have a connection something that interests both sports or hobbies or  work, or something that they can share. Number two, shared interests are fun  when both parties involved contribute. When I'm involved in it. You know, if I'm  into playing tennis and you're into playing tennis. We're both working hard at  this, and because of that, we both get something out of it. Number three, if one  party does all the contributing, the result is not friendship, but dependency. So if  I take someone out to eat, and I have more money than they do, and so I end up paying for lunch every single time. I don't have a friendship. I have a  dependency. I am the person who you know supplies what you want, and that's  the only direction it goes. This really relates to two different forms of love that the Bible talks about, agape, which is a Greek word and Eros, which is a Greek  word as well. Agape is unconditional love. I love you with no strings attached.  Eros is conditional love. I, for example, I love my wife unconditionally. Doesn't  matter what she she does or doesn't do, and I love her unconditionally because I made vows to her. I made a promise that said, I will love you no matter what  happens in our future. Now, before I promised her unconditional love, the way  we got connected was through conditional love. Eros, we fell in love with each  other because we both saw something in the other that we liked, you know, I  liked spending time with her. I liked the fact that she was, you know, gifted in  music. I liked the way she looked. There were all these things that I liked about  her that did something for me, and apparently it went the other way too, that she liked some things about me, and because we benefited from the relationship, we kept dating and courting, and eventually we we we promised unconditional love,  but conditional love is really how friendships evolve. So if you want your spouse  or your kids or friend or someone at work. Or do you want your spouse, your  kids, a friend or someone at your work to do something for you, instead of  badgering guilty and manipulating them to doing what you want, spend some  time figuring out what those around you want. What does my wife really want  from me? What would my boss really get excited about if I did? How can I be a  positive force in the wants and needs of those around me? How might these  things help me get what I want? There's a famous saying, If you help someone  get what they want. Sometimes you can get what you want. Sometimes our  wants line up. We both get what we want. Sometimes it just takes a little  tweaking. If we change this or that, we can both get what we want. Sometimes 

we have to compromise, compromise. Let's meet in the middle. Neither of us  gets exactly what we want, but it's close enough. Sometimes it will be an  exchange. You do this for me, and I will do that for you. Appealing to a mutual  benefit is not just some technique that one can employ to get the other person to give you what you want. You must actually care about the other person's benefit, because this could turn into a manipulation kind of thing. I just try to think about  what you want, and I package a deal where you're going to get what you want,  but really I'm trying to manipulate you into giving me what I want. And that's how it can feel. And if it feels that way, it probably isn't going to work. You have to  actually care about what the other person wants and what the other person gets. If you do sort of a deal where I'm going to make this deal look good, but in the  end, I really get what I want and you don't, then you're not going to have a long  term relationship, and the whole thing will boomerang on you, and the person  will end up resenting you. The only way this really works is that you have to  actually care about what that other person wants. In fact, when you go into the  deal, make sure that they get a little bit more of what they want than you getting  what you want. Okay, moving on to number four. Part Two use, we're using the  relationship that we've built. Number four, share your heartfelt feelings in the  matter Philemon 12, Paul says, I am sending him Onesimus, who is my heart.  Very heart, back to you, not just it just seems like a little sentence, and you  know, what does it really mean? The word translated heart is literally bowels or  one's insides. Paul is telling Philemon that he is hurting to the very core of his  being in sending Onesimus back to Philemon that He's trying to communicate to Philemon that this whole thing is turning his insides upside down. He's losing  sleep over this whole thing. It just the whole thing is like, you know, number one  on his mind. And maybe Philemon didn't know that. It's just, you know, for all,  Philemon knew it was his problem that, you know, I had the slave. He ran away.  Now he's coming to back. So Paul is really trying to share how he really, truly  feels inside. We want to influence someone, maybe a son or a daughter, a  spouse, a friend, a co worker, a church member. And we often do it poorly. We  often do it in anger, maybe with a demanding attitude, perhaps some guilt,  topped off with an argument, argumentative spirit. A better way might be to  share your heart, to tell the person the situation, what the situation is doing to  you on the inside, the fear, the love, the pain. This is how you do it. Number one, share what happened or what the issue is, without anger or blame. In in the  book, I give an example of a Secretary that I had that was working for me years  ago, and she was communicating to me how her son, you know, got married,  stopped going to church, had some kids, the kids aren't going to church, and  how painful that was for her and her husband. You know, they're praying about it all the time, and they just, they're just sick about it. But then so I asked, well, you know, how have you communicated to your son that this is, you know, an issue  for you? And they she said, Well, you know, we don't know what to say. We don't

want to push him away. And so once in a while, you know, my husband jokes  about it like, you know, we didn't see in church today, or boy, it'd surely be nice  to see our grandkids in a Christmas program like we used to see you, you know, little comments, little jokes, little ways, little hints that are designed to put a little  pressure or a Little guilt, and so that usually doesn't work. It just people just  keep going farther and farther away. They're not going to be guilted into it. Then  they're not going to take little hints. They're not going to be sarcastically brought  into your way of thinking. So instead of doing so, I you know, she described it,  and it was a, it was a constant prayer request at our at our staff meetings. So  finally, I just sat down with her, and I said, Have you ever just sat down with your son and really share your heart, not not anger, not blame, I said. So I sat down  and asked her, and I go through that in the book into great detail. But I said, you  know, what? What do you really, what's your, what's your really feelings about  this? I mean, why do you, why is this a thing for you? And she said, Well, you  know, I picture, you know, one day standing before the throne, and my son isn't  there, and my grandkids aren't there. So, so I said, so you're afraid that they're  not going to go to heaven? Yeah, I said, if you ever said that, see what they're  getting is anger and blame what you know we raised you well, and how come  you're not doing how we raised you instead, share with the issue is, here's the  issue we raised you in the Christian faith, and it seems like you've walked away  from it, and and, and we're concerned for your soul and for the souls of our  grandkids. Number two, let them know that you could be wrong and that you are that maybe you perhaps have misread everything. So I said, you know, when  you communicate to him, don't come off like the judge and the jury. You know,  this is just our observation. Maybe you have a great walk with God. I don't know. We're just observing from the outside. I could be wrong. I'm not coming in as the judge. All I'm trying to share is my heart in this manner, number three, share  your hurt, your pain in the situation. So I asked Esther, you know, what is your  real hurt? Can you share that the fear the you know, tell them how you wake up  at three o'clock in the morning and your heart is pounding and you're sweating  because you're thinking about this and the pain and the hurt of it, you're just hurt by it, and you don't know what to do with it. It's, of course, a person coming to  Christ and coming to church. It's their personal decision, and they have to  personally decide. So I'm just, I'm just laying here hurt because of it. In my  concern number four, share your fears for yourself and for them, you know, let  me add one more. Number five. I don't have it on the screen for you, but share  perhaps mistakes that you've made that have maybe contributed to this  situation. So when she shared with her son, she ended up calling him, saying,  I'd like to meet with you and talk about some things. They had lunch together,  and she shared her heart, her fears, her concerns, but she also apologized. She said, You know, when we raised you, your dad and I, we had a walk with God,  but it wasn't that close. We didn't really live it, and now we're reading our Bibles 

every day. We're living it, and it makes a difference. And we're so excited about  our walk with God, and we're we just apologize we didn't give you that same  experience and so, but that's why we're hurting now too, because we made  mistakes and we feel like we contributed to this. And so I just wanted to let you  know that this is how we're feeling. I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm not  trying to get you to do anything. I just want to share my heart. Well, he listened.  He listened. It touched him. And they started small, little steps, coming back to  church, and now they're back to church. They're enjoying it. The family's there  and and and the grandkids are in the Christmas programs.