All right, welcome back. We're in a little mini series here on the book of  Philemon, how to influence friends and tactfully get along with people. We're in  part two, where we're talking about how to use the relationship that we built in  part one. Number five. Suggest what you prefer, but leaving the decision up to  them. Philemon 13-14, Paul writes, I considered keeping him, that is, Onesimus, the slave of Philemon. I considered keeping him with me, so that he might serve me in your place during my time in prison because of the gospel. So remember,  Philemon made his way to Rome. He somehow bumped into the Apostle Paul.  Becomes a Christian, ends up serving the Apostle Paul. And so the Apostle Paul here is letting Philemon know what he really would like? Okay, he's not coming  right out and asking, but he's saying, Philemon, your former slave, the runaway  slave that you probably want to punish, that one has become very important to  me, and what I'd like is for him to stay and to support me, maybe in your place.  However, Paul says I didn't want to do anything without your consent, so that  your act of kindness. What act of kindness? Well, if you let Onesimus stay with  me, that would be an act of kindness without your consent, so that your act of  kindness would occur willingly and not under pressure. If you're in a position of  power you know at work or at home in a group, in other words, that's what a  manager is. You can demand that people do things your way. If you're a  manager at a company, you can just tell people, Look, this is what I want you to  do. If you're in charge at church of some area of church, you can just tell people  what to do. At home, if you're one of the parents, you can just tell your kids what  to do. Where in your life, has this strategy not worked that well? My guess is it's  not worked well in almost every area of life. Certainly, there are times when you  tell people what to do. You have authority over them. There's something that has to be done, and you can just tell them what to do. But in sensitive areas, if you  just run around telling people what to do, they may do what you tell them, but  they will not go the extra mile. They will not own it. They will do it because you  told them to do it. They will not do it because that's what they want to do. So  what this is all about, what management really is all about, is getting people to  do what you want them to do, but somehow they have to want it to so you have  to give up ownership, probably for most of us that are leading anything the  easiest thing to make things happen, to have things go the way we want them to go. The easiest way would be to just do it ourselves. If we could, we'd just do it  ourselves. If you want something done right, then do it yourself. The problem is,  perhaps the area that you're managing is too big. You can't do everything  yourself, so you need other people in your life, and not only that, if you could  replicate yourself, if you had like, three of you, you could probably do everything  that you really want done, and it would be done the way you want it done. But  the problem would be, it would be done only with the skills and abilities that you  have. Other people have different skills and abilities that you want to use, but if  you order people around, they will use their gifts and abilities to their best to 

their best. Paul makes it clear what he wants, but he totally leaves the decision  up to Philemon. He's giving away the ownership. This is what I want, Philemon. I want Onesimus to stay, but I'm not going to order you. If you agree with me, and if you give in to what I want, then it's because it's what you want to do. He  leaves the decision up to Philemon. Of course, Philemon can go one way or the  other. Well, how often do you do this with your kids? If you have small kids, you  don't just let the decision up to them. You want to play in the street or not. That's  up to you. No, they could get hit by a car. You can just take your bike and go  wherever you want, no because they could get into trouble. So when you have  young kids, you tend to be more directive. This is what you must do. But as kids  get older and you want them to start taking ownership, and they want  ownership, and if you don't give them ownership, they give you trouble, they  start rebelling, they start lying, they start doing things without your knowledge.  And it's because they want to live their own life that's it's sort of a built in  mechanism. By the time kids are 17, 18, 19, 20, years old, they want to leave  the house, and you want them to leave the house, why not have them leave  taking responsibility for their own lives. So how do you how do you do that? How do you do that with the people at work, your spouse, your friends? How do you  give up control and yet not give up on managing their lives, not giving up on  managing whatever it is that you're trying to do. So the best way is through  choices. You give people choices. Look you can do this, or you can do that. I  had a father come up to me. I had dinner with him a couple days ago, and he  has a teenage son, who's 17 years old, son said, I don't want to go to church  anymore. And the father was telling me that I just make him, you're in my house, you're going to go to church. That's just what it is. And I think that's a great  strategy. When a kid is 9, 10, years old, a 9, 10, year old doesn't he can't make  a lot of these big decisions. A 10 year old doesn't decide what he wants to do for a living for the rest of his life. 10 year old doesn't decide whom he's going to  marry or what college he's going to go to, but when they start turning 17, 18,  years old, they're starting to own their own lives. And so instead of always  fighting, always pushing, always treating your 17 year old like He's 10. Give him  a choice. Give him a choice. So I told that to my six year old. You could keep  forcing him to go to church, but he's just digging in his heels, isn't he? He's  going to church, but he spends his whole time on his phone, searching for  things. Why not just give him a choice? Look, you tell them what you prefer, just  like what Paul did. You know, I'd really prefer that you go to church. You're in my  home. We take care of you, and we love taking care of you. This is kind of what  our family does. Well, I don't believe that. Well, that's fine. Could you? Could you do this for me? I do all these things for you. This is one thing I'd like to ask you  to do, but you know what it's up to you. You don't want to go, then don't go and  then walk away. Now that's hard, because you might not get what you want.  How do you do that? With the people at work. Tell them what you really want. 

Give them choices like you, you can, you can do this. But then if you, if you, if  you, if you don't want to do this, then it means extra work over here. So it's up to you, your spouse, your friends, give away some of the authority. Even Jesus did  this. Matthew 26:36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called  Gethsemane. Then he went a short distance farther and fell on his face and  prayed, My Father, if it's possible, take this cup of suffering away from me.  However, not what I want, but what you want. I'm saying what I want. I'm telling  you why I want it, but I'm leaving the decision up to you. What would happen if  you started giving up total control over the people in your life, when people take  advantage and trample over your wants and desires? Well, that will sometimes  happen. Sometimes people will do the opposite of what you want them to do,  but more often than not, when you let the other guy make the decision, he will  respond in gratitude for the confidence and trust that you have placed in him,  and in gratitude, he will then be inclined to do what you prefer, or at least give  your suggestion serious consideration. In short, they will seek ways to please  you. They will treat you like you have treated them. So you're really treating  people with respect and honor. And if you want to manage people, and you want them to own what it is that you're giving and not just do things, because you tell  them, you have to get to this point where you give up control and let them use  their gifts and abilities. Okay, part two, use it. Number six, see and communicate the potential good in the problem. So this is what Paul does in Philemon 15-16.  Maybe this is the reason that Onesimus was separated from you for a while. So  he's trying to Paul's trying to explain to Philemon. Look, let's try to figure out  why, in God's providence, that Onesimus may have escaped, he came to Rome. He found me. He became a Christian. I mean, this is an incredible, unbelievable  story. Can you not see that God's hand is in the middle of all of this? And what  good might God be seeking through? Maybe this is the reason that Onesimus  was separated from you for a while so that you might have him back forever, no  longer as a slave, but more than a slave, that is, as a dearly loved brother. Think of the broader picture, Philemon. He was just a slave before, and now he's a  brother in the Lord saved by what Jesus did on the cross, just like what Jesus  has done for you and I. This is an this is an amazing story. He is especially  dearly loved brother to me. How much more can he become a brother to you? In other words, I've gotten to know him as a brother in the Lord, and you haven't  had a chance to do that. Can you imagine getting to know him as a brother in  the Lord, not just a slave? How much more can he become a brother to you,  personally and spiritually in the Lord. Notice again, He's emphasizing there's a  bigger picture here. Philemon, you're thinking, slave, run away. What's fair the  law. Let's go beyond that and think about God, and what God is doing with all of  us who are, who, who are the people in our lives, spiritually, by the way, that's  not a bad way for you to think too. The people that you're managing, the people  that are connected to you, are not just people. They're not just people who do 

things and make things happen. Each one of them is a child of the living God.  And even those that you manage that don't believe in God. They still are made  in the image of God. They matter to God. They count Paul and Philemon have a  sensitive problem to solve here. The runaway slaves merited death in that  culture. But Onesimus is now a Christian, a brother in Christ. Philemon is a  Christian, the brother in Christ. So now what Paul is trying to help Philemon see  the good that can and still might come out of this situation, when two people are  faced with a sensitive issue, why is there the tendency to focus on the  negatives? And people do? They look at the problems. Okay? Our church right  now is a little bit behind in the budget, and we print, you know, where we stand  in our bulletin. Every Sunday, people see it. They notice it. We say something  about it, and I tell so we say something about it. Why do we focus on those  negatives? Well, it's easier, it's it's the negatives. Are what are in front of you?  Okay, we're short of this. Here's the problem. People see the problems on these  slides sometimes, you know, I don't catch all the spelling errors as you as you've read through, or in any of the other classes you've taken at CLI and you're  reading through and I bet you spot, hey, that's spelled wrong. Why does that  grab our attention? There were 50 words around it that were all spelled right.  We've never gotten an email from any student saying, hey, really appreciate that you got most of the words spelled right, what you hear is that one word that is  spelled wrong. It's like we're trained to find the negative. It's easier to see. So in  our church, we're a little bit behind in the budget, so we focus on that, and we  forget that we own our building, free and clear. We don't owe a dime on the  whole thing. Most churches have some kind of mortgage. We don't have a  mortgage at all. We had some deal where we sold some of our land and  Walgreens came in and they had to give us a house over on one of the streets  we own that free and clear. I can go on and on and on about all the blessings  that we have. And when you're done, it's like, what problem do we have? But we end up focusing always on that negative number two, we often focus on the  negative of the other person. If we have a problem with somebody, we focus on  their. Negative. Why do we do that? Well, it's easy to it's an easy way to feel  superior to the other person. When you can find something wrong with  someone, it makes you feel better. Number three, it's a way to vent our  frustration, our hurt and our anger. When we have an issue with someone, we  think about how they've dropped the ball, you know, how they were late to the  meeting, how they didn't do what they were supposed to do. If they would only  do what they were supposed to do, this whole project would go better. We see  all the whole list of the things that they've done. You know, Paul could be looking here, and he could have been really frustrated with Philemon. After all,  Philemon, you had Onesimus in your household. You have a church that meets  in your household, and you didn't even help him become a Christian. He has to  run away from you, go all the way to Rome, find me to become a Christian. Why

didn't you disciple him? I mean, Paul could have said all those things, but he  doesn't he? He turns it around and says, What are the positive things we can  find here? There's something good here. Philemon, don't you see that this? You  know, this problem is, is really not even a problem at all. This is the hand of God  in our lives, you know, bringing something to our attention. Now, how are we  going to how are we going to go forward when two people are faced with a  sensitive issue, what does it take to focus on the positives? I think number one,  it takes discipline. You have to have in mind that you're going to focus on the  positives. Let's, let's focus on the good thing that comes out of this. So that guy I was meeting for supper that had a problem with one of his sons. He has a  problem with one of his sons because he and his wife have a problem with each other in fact they're separated. Now, he had a he had an anger issue and control issue, and finally, this wife couldn't take it anymore, and she booted him out. I  mean, his whole world is is been upside down, but what's come out of it? He told me he's finally reading his Bible again. He's going to not only our church  services, but he's going to other churches. He's trying to have some church  connection every single day of the week. Why? Because his world crashed  around him, his marriage, his family everything he stand. He's standing at the  brink of losing everything. Now that's a lot of negative. That is a boatload of  negative. He has not faced all this this kind of negative before in his life. But  what is he doing? He's concentrating on the positive. What what positive has  come out of this? He's getting reconnected to God. He's discovering that it truly  is by grace that you are saved. He used to have this idea about prayer. Why  pray? God already knows everything about your life. He's a hyper Calvinist. You  know, God has it all under control. It's all figured out. My prayers don't make any difference whatsoever. So he didn't guess what he's praying now. He's enjoying  a closer relationship with God. Now, what's going to happen? He doesn't know.  Is he going to be able to save his marriage and his family? He doesn't know  there's a lot of boatload of negatives still out there. But what positive can  become, what can come out of all this negative stuff. Number two, I think  creativity how you're you're faced with negative things, and that really brings out  creativity. In fact, I'm reading a book. It's called inventology, or something like  that, and the author is talking about how people have come up with things like  Twitter and and Facebook and and Microsoft, all the, all the these, these digital  leaps forward into our world and our culture and and if you follow the stories, it  was generally because someone bumped into a problem. They couldn't figure  out something. And this author talks about how people are inventing  everywhere, and the reason that they invent is because they have a problem.  We can't solve this thing, we can't do it, and so we need something faster. You  know, people couldn't do what they wanted with computers. So we need faster  ones. So we got faster ones. People figured out how to do it. Creativity. You  know, we didn't have the money for our renovation of our sanctuary, so 

someone suggested, well, why don't you use pallet wood? Pallets are, you  know, at least the United States. You know, they're they're hard wood, and they  make little squares. And you put all your boxes and you put them on a truck, so  they're just shipping things really well. We got 100 of them. We tore them apart,  we stained a different colors. It's incredible. It's beautiful. And it was all free. The  problem led to something that became better than we would ever thought of.  Number three, when you're faced with a sensitive issue, instead of going to all  the negatives, go to the positives, that makes you forward thinking, what can we do with this problem? You know, really, all of life is about a problem. The major  story behind everything that's happening is a problem. God created a good  world, and then human beings fell and sin came into the world. There's a sin  problem, and all the solutions that people have tried to figure out to answer the  sin problem and the brokenness problem, marriages, families, churches,  companies, countries falling apart, and so people are trying to figure out, how do we put it back together? Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a  great fall. All the king's horses, all the king's men, Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty  together again. It's a children's rhyme. We're trying to fix this thing, this problem, this sin problem, and so God comes with an incredibly creative solution. Human  beings sin, human beings must pay, but human beings can't pay. So God  becomes a human being in the person of Jesus. God can pay, but human  beings need to. Jesus is both God and man, and he is, I mean, it's incredible,  incredible solution that God comes up with is behind everything you go to, any  movie that you watch, it's only, it only becomes something that people watch,  because there's some problem in the movie. There is some problem that that  can't be solved, and the whole movie is about trying to solve this impossible  problem. And then you know, some unlikely hero shows up, and then he ends  up winning the day number four, what does it take to focus on the positive? I  think it takes maturity. I think as one of the signs of immaturity is is looking at  things and seeing the problems, listing out the problems, and then sitting there  with this, you know, what can we do about it? Attitude, I see this so often in  people that I deal with that we'll sit around at a table and we'll talk forever and  ever and ever about all the problems, and no one will suggest a solution. You  know, we all get the problem. A mature person goes, Okay, we can talk about  this problem forever. What are we going to do about it? Let's do something  about it. That's what a manager does. He doesn't just, you know, wallow in the  problem. And number five, I think it takes love. I think if there's a problem,  especially between people, and there always is, if you're managing people,  there'll be problems with those people. There'll be some disconnect. And you  can focus on the problems. You don't do this right? You don't listen, you don't or  you can sit down in a creative disciplined manner, forward thinking, problem  solving. Look, we have this issue between us. It could be it might not even be  you. It might be me. I'm not managing well, not prepared, I haven't 

communicated clearly what I want done. But we have this issue. It's just not  working. It's not going well. Let's sit down and make this go. Well, who knows  where it will lead? Maybe it will lead to something we never even thought about. 



Last modified: Monday, March 10, 2025, 7:30 AM