Video Transcript: Step Three: Commitment - Do it! (1-2)

All right, we're still in our series. We're moving along how to influence friends  and tactfully get along with people. Part three, Part one was build the  relationship. So Paul spent a lot of time building rapport with Philemon. Then in  part two, he started using the relationship that he had built up, and now part  three is where you start asking for some kind of commitment. We have  relationship. We've used it to some degree, but now we're moving into actually  solving a problem or making something happen. If you're a manager, you need a relationship with the people that you're managing. Then you move into using  that influence that you have. But finally, you you, you want something done. So,  so do it? Ask for it. Number one, make your requests or suggestion with humility. Philemon 17, so if you consider me a partner, so he's talking to Philemon, if you  consider me a partner, a partner in the Gospel, welcome him. Onesimus, as you would welcome me. Paul has told Philemon what he really would like, okay, in  the previous verse. He really wants to keep Onesimus as his helper. So Paul  hinted at that, this is what I like. This is what I prefer. But I don't want to make  you do it. I don't want to command you to I don't want to just do it. I want you  know if that were to happen, it would because of your it would be because of  your kindness to me in this situation. Alright, Paul is not pushing for this desire,  but now here in this verse, he spells out, in no uncertain terms what he is willing  to push for, and what is that that Philemon accept his runaway slave Onesimus  as if he were Paul himself. So finally, after so many verses, Paul says what he  wants. Notice, Paul makes his request only after he spent a considerable  amount of time building up his relationship with Philemon. In fact, I think there  are 25 verses in the whole book, and Paul uses the first 16 or 17 verses to build  the relationship. And so it's not until almost at the very end of the book, the end  of the letter, that Paul finally says to finding that this is what I am uncategorically  asking for. Well, why is this a good idea? Why build a relationship before asking  something from it? Number one, cooperation is more certain if you don't have  much of a relationship with someone, and then you ask them a difficult thing. I  would like you to invest in my company. I would like you to volunteer for this  committee in our church, but I don't know you. I don't have a connection with  you. Your cooperation is less likely. The more I know you, the more rapport we  have, the more of a connection, the more you're probably willing to say yes to  whatever it is I ask people in our church, I wait until I have a relationship with  them before I either ask for money or I ask them for, you know, willingness to  lead something you know, would you be willing to leave the whole renovation of  our outside of our building? I don't just ask anyone that I ask people that I  already know have the gifts and abilities, but also I have a connection with them, they're more likely to say yes. Number two, why build a relationship before  asking something from it? You're more likely to the compromise is more likely.  Generally, moving forward with anything, there has to be some compromise.  There's there's things that I want. This is how I want things to go. But now I'm 

asking you to be involved. You have your own ideas, and maybe I'm the maybe  I'm kind of a control freak. I would like things exactly the way I would like them. I  would like you to do things exactly like I would like them done. I'm incredibly  knowledgeable on this subject, but I just don't have the time, so I'm asking you  to do it. Okay, maybe that's exactly what you'd really, really, truly like, but you  won't get it. You will not get it. People will not own it exactly like the way you  want it. And the price that you have to pay, if you're a control freak, the price that you have to pay to get someone else to do this thing that you don't have time to  do, is you have to give up that control. And part of giving up the control is letting  them. Have some of their in ideas influence what it is that you ultimately want  accomplished. So there has to be compromise on your part and on their part.  They're not going to be able to do it exactly like they want to, too. In order for  them to be given the responsibility by you, they have to compromise. Well, if you have a good relationship with someone, both parties are more likely to  compromise. Number three, why build a relationship before asking something  from it obedience to commands are more cordial. As a manager, there are times where you have to say, this is exactly what it is I want from you. As a parent, you have to do this with your children. You have to, you know, this is how we're  going to do it. This is how we're going to manage our household. This is how  we're going to manage the church. This is what we're going to do in this  situation. There are those times that you have to step in like a like a benevolent  father, and dictate what's going to happen, but people are more likely to go  along with it, and actually, you know, obey and do it with a good attitude, if you  have a relationship with them, if you've encouraged them, if you found good  things in them, if you've communicated that you've been praying for them all  along, If you have always had in mind mutual benefits. I'm trying to help you.  You try to help me all these things that we've been talking about over the last  several videos. If you've been doing all of that, when those times come when  you have to make a command, they'll be more cordial. They'll be more open to  to following what you said. Number four, why build a relationship before asking  something from it? Follow, follow. Follow through is more thorough. A lot of  times, people will do what they've been told to do. I once worked for air  compressing presser company. They they made air compressors. They sold air  compressors. I was a teenager. I knew nothing about air compressors, and I  started working there. And I would go to the boss, and I'd say, What do you want me to do? And he'd show me something, and I'd work on it for three hours, and  I'd get it done, and when it was done, I came back to him, and he would always  be disappointed, because he really didn't want to manage me at all. He just  wanted to do whatever he was doing. So then he had to figure out something  else for me to do, and I'd get it done quickly, and I'd come back and he got so  tired, the fact that I was going fast actually hurt me, because I had to keep  coming back to him. He'd rather have me just do whatever and just not bother 

with him. So finally, he found something that I could just do without his  interference, without his helping me at all, but he had spent a little time with me.  One day he finally, you know, we had lunch and he had nothing to do and I had  nothing to do. And we started talking. We started talking about sports and where we're from and all those things. And from that day on, it was like there was a  connection. And so then he gave me stuff to do, and I took more interest in it. I  got more involved in the company. I actually learned about air compressors that  I didn't really care about before. And I only did that because we had a bit of a  relationship. You have a relationship with someone, they end up caring about  the whole enterprise that you're involved in. Give people space to come around  to your way of thinking. That's really the humility part. You want to ask what you  want to ask from somebody. I want you to do something, but you do it in humility, and you do that by giving people space. Well, how do you do that? Number one, don't counter someone's ideas and opinions, no matter how strongly stated, with a strong opinion. When people do that, they cut off communication. So let's say  you're talking about, you know, some problem. What are we going to do in our  sanctuary, our carpeting is old, and we have to, you know, rip it out. Or how are  we going to do this? So we had a committee people sit down, and someone  who, you know is in that business, think they know everything about it. The first  thing they said is, this is what we have to do. I work in this industry, and this is  we have to rip this out. We have to do this. We have to do this. We have to do  that. They said it in a powerful, strong way. That's the first thing that is said, first  thing that goes on the table. Everyone else just sits back. Because what am I  going to say? I maybe I have a different opinion. You know, my opinion might be, well, I think we should look into this. Let's go check out a few churches. Let's  see what the possibilities are. Who knows what we might do? I mean, there's  cost, is one side of the thing, but there's the cool factor. What works? You know? What? We going to do with the space. There's a lot of questions here, okay, but  this person started off by, you know, you know, putting a strong opinion out  there. And there were some people on the committee who aren't very strong,  they're talented, gifted people, great ideas, but they're not going to share them,  because in order to share them, they're going to have to put the same strong  opinion back, well, I think you're wrong. See, now we gotta fight, and most  people don't want to fight, and so why start off with a strong opinion? Number  two, give people space with words like, in my opinion, we should do this with the floor, or, it seems to me, or as I recall, it went this way. You know, if you're talking about some event in the past, you know people will know this. You know, I  remember Joe said this. Well, maybe, maybe you remember that, and maybe  it's exactly correct how you remember it, but maybe someone thinks Joe said  something else. Give them space to to give their opinion. If you don't give them  space to say what they think, they'll they'll be less likely to buy into what you're  thinking. They'll be holding on to that thing. Well, that's not how I think, and 

they'll just keep it to themselves, and your opinion will sway the day, but they  won't buy into it. But if I just say as I recall, even if I know for sure, I know this is  exactly what happened, no, as I recall, this is what happened. Now, if you recall  something different, you can put it on the table, and when things get on the  table. We can talk about them. If they stay in someone's head, then we can't  resolve it. If I could give my opinion, see if you just start off now, maybe you're  knowledgeable. Maybe you know everything about this subject, and everyone  else in the room doesn't. So what you're still giving your opinion? Let's say  someone gives their opinion, and let's say they make it really strong. Counter  with you know, you make a really good point. So in other words, I agree with  you, but here's another way to look at it. I'm not saying your opinion is invalid.  I'm not saying it's not a good idea. I'm just saying that there might be another  way to look at it. Do you mind if I share that, most people are going to say, Okay, so just you see, you have an opinion about stuff, you have a feeling about  things, and you've had it for a long time, and you had personal experiences that  have brought you to the place where you are, and then somehow you just think  that if you say it, you give your opinion, that somehow everyone in the room is  just going to jump on the bandwagon and say, well, that's a good opinion. They  haven't been thinking about it. They don't have all the different experiences that  you have, or if they have experiences it's different than yours. So allow people  space to throw their feelings out. Allow them time. You know people's people  what they think is like a big ship, and if you want them to turn around with their  way of thinking, it takes a long time to turn around. And one of the best ways to  get them to turn around, or consider turning around, is for them to put all their  thoughts on the table. You want everything on the table, because once they put  it on the table, they feel like they got it off their chest. They feel like they've been hurt, and now they're ready to be educated one way or the other. Remember, in  the end, if you're a manager, you can insist on your way, okay, in the end, you're the one in charge. So people can talk about it, people can have all their strong  opinions. And in the end, you can just say, Well, you know, this is what I think  we're going to do. In other words, you can pull the authority card any time in the  process, if you're in charge, if you're the manager, you can pull that card  anytime. So why throw it out early? Why play your ace? You know, if you're  playing cards, you know the ACE is a high card. Why not let people enjoy the  game for a little while? You can always throw the ace in and win. So why not let  the process go on for a while? Maybe you don't have to throw your ace. Maybe  someone in the group will give the exact thing that you really want to happen,  and they'll say it, and everyone will be convinced, and they'll all go along with it,  and you didn't have to, you know, use your authority in any way. And then  someone else in the group starts owning this problem, rather than you owning  all the problems. Okay, the next verse, Philemon, verse 18. If he Philemon has  done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. And. Part Three, 

commitment. Do it? Ask for it. Number two, offer to help where you can. That's  what Paul does. Paul is asking, you know, remember, Paul is saying to  Philemon, what I'd really prefer is to keep Philemon, okay, but what I'm what I'm  going to insist on, is that you accept him as a brother in the Lord, accept  Philemon as you would accept me. So that's his true ask. Now, what is that  going to mean? Does that mean Philemon is going to be set free, or is Philemon going to stay in Rome? Paul is now saying, Look, I know this is going to be a  hardship for you. If there's a problem, I will make up the difference. I will offer,  I'm offering to help in this situation. If Philemon sets Onesimus free, it will cost  Philemon the price of the slave added to this will be the cost incurred by  Philemon to hunt for him after he escaped, perhaps another slave was bought to replace Onesimus. That would be an added cost. Paul sort sort of puts himself  out on the limb, offering to pay any and all costs. Me, there's a lot of cost he  added up all up, it might be considerable. And Paul saying, Look, if this is going  to be a problem for you, Philemon, I will pay this is kind of put your money  where your mouth is number one. Get your hands dirty. If you're a manager, the  tendency is to sit back. I've hired all you people, or you've been hired by the  company or the organization. I need you people to go out there and do it. We're  going to do in a renovation in our church, I could just get people to do it, and I'm  the pastor. I preach on Sunday, I do the counseling, I do the leadership things. I  don't do the hammer. See if you're going to be a manager and you don't pick up  the hammer, you're not going to get people that really want to take the hill that  you're trying to take. You get to grab the hammer. You got to grab the, you know, when we were doing this renovation thing, there was a guy visiting from  Germany, and he really wanted to paint way to paint all the walls. And they were, you know, 12 foot walls, or in big rollers and sticks and, you know, so I got all the paint, and I said, All right, you let me know when you can do it. Well, I was on  vacation. It wasn't too far away, and he picked a day that I was on vacation. I  drove back. If this guy is willing to spend 16 hours in what on one particular day,  if he's willing to do that and come in and start painting, I will be there. I will get  the rollers, I will get the thing and I will go side by side with you, and we're going  to get this thing done. Took us one day we got the whole thing done. If you want  things done, you've got to get your hands dirty. You can't just sit on the sidelines  and let everyone else I had a manager when I was planting a church. He was a  church planting manager. I guess he'd visit every couple months. We'd go out to  eat. He'd pay for lunch. We talked about things. He'd go back. You know what  he should have done? He should have come once a month and said, Hey, let's  go and visit all the stores, or all the shop owners. Do you have a place where  there's a lot of shop owners and stuff? Yeah, why don't we go there? Do you  have any cards from your church? No, let's go make some. And then he should  have just taken we should have visited, you know, like 20 shops, and walked in  and said, Hey, I'm starting a church here. And here's my card. If you have any 

prayer needs whatsoever, something comes up. Don't hesitate to call me. He  could have taken my hand and went down, and we'd have just done that. And  instead of having lunch together, we would have done something. I would have  walked away going, Wow, this guy is on the ball. I'm willing to follow this guy. I'm willing to do stuff. I'm excited see you got to get your hands. You got to get it in  there. If you want people to do something, you got to do it. Number two, go the  extra mile. Don't just get asked people to do things help them. People have to  get the idea that you care more about them than what it is you're asking them to  do. I want you to succeed in your whole life, not just in this project, and you want people will go the extra mile. Number three, pay the price if you want, if you  want to, if you want people on your team, and you want the team to help  towards the goal, you have to pay the price. No one's going to pay a higher price than you if you're not willing to put in the time, if you're not willing to put in the  effort, then no one else will. Number four, roll up your sleeves and get to I guess  I'm saying the same thing over and over again. You gotta You can't just sit back.  The job of a manager is not like, well, I got it easy because I don't have to do  anything. And I'll have these people who will do it. You know? I. Church, you  know, that's a tendency. You know, I got to teach Sunday school. You know, as a pastor, I've already done that. I've taught Sunday school, I've taught catechism,  I've done the young people's, I've, you know, I've painted, I've done the  sermons, I've done the leadership things, I've done the small groups. You know,  there isn't a single thing that I haven't already done a million times. So why  should I do any of these things? Now I am getting leaders to do these things, but if I'm not, if people don't see me doing them, if I don't show up and teach a  Sunday school class. So I show up. Wednesdays are our program thing. We  have kids things going on. I show up. I play the ball hockey with the kids. You  know, I'm not going to be the aloof person that sits in some office. I got to get in  there. People have to see me caring about every little asset. I don't control it. I  don't run it, but I'm going to be in it. I'm going to be a participant, just like them. If there's a church camp out, I'm there. If the church is doing something, I will be  there. I'm not going to ask people to go to things that I myself don't go to. If a  manager is not willing to sacrifice for the cause, no one will sacrifice for the  cause. John 3:16 God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son  that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. God got his hands literally dirty. First of all, he puts his hands in the mud and forms a human  being. And then God Himself comes down to earth and becomes one of us,  becomes flesh and blood lives among us. Is a child, is a teenager, grows up,  teaches, gets crucified, is buried, is raised again. I mean, so God has done this,  and that's what it's going to take if you want people to be involved. That's what  it's going to take you.