Video Transcript: Prayer Life and Boundaries

Session 6 — Prayer Life and Boundaries

Opening

Bruce:
All right. We’re here at Session Six of this Deacon, Servants of the Church course.

Abigail:
Yeah. And last time we looked at the good news. Boy, that being a deacon and doing that well gives you—yeah, what a blessing.

Bruce:
Yeah. Gives you influence, gives you the joy of impacting people positively. That was rewarding.

Abigail:
In your salvation with Jesus or insurance and seeing them at work and life, it’s fun.

Bruce:
But then we ended on kind of the bad news—that you’ve got to be ready, because there’s likely going to be some kind of personal attack on you or your family.

And so we’re going to look at two things today. You know, one is just looking at your own prayer life briefly, and then secondly, how you have to have some boundaries within your life, because being in a helping ministry is draining.

Those who do this—I’ve got a good friend who’s a counselor—and you just say there are times he had to just take a break, because when you’re dealing with burdens all the time, and sometimes dealing with people who take advantage of your good-natured help, it has a negative effect.

Abigail:
And I think that’s why this session is so important, because the boundaries of that healthy prayer life and the boundaries of—yeah, when you’re a giver, you can certainly over-give to the point of being taken advantage of. And then your giving starts to become a stumbling block for both yourself and the person that you’re trying to help and serve.

Prayer Life

Bruce:
So let’s get to it. How’s your prayer life?

Now, there are a variety of ways of doing prayer. ACTS: adoration, profession, thanksgiving, supplication. In other words, asking.

Using the outline of the Lord’s Prayer and the petition for prayer. Some people like to use devotionals.

You know, I have found helpful—Dick Eastman, years ago, came out with a book called The Hour That Changes the World, and he introduces these 12 facets of prayer and says, you know, if you do each one for five minutes, it’s 60 minutes.

But I don’t do all of these anymore, but I, you know, use praise and worship, confession, Scripture. Watching—where is the enemy at work? I look in the world, and there’s a lot of places to name there. I live in my family, and where is the enemy at work? Intercession. Petition—in other words, what are my needs today. Thanksgiving. And sometimes it’s contemplation.

So I don’t do all of these, but they give me a line for prayers.

Now it’s a challenge. I mean, young families.

Abigail:
I definitely think of that because I was mentioning in a lot of sermon I watched recently. But it’s like talking a lot about that consistency of getting in your kids’ life, that model. And it’s like with the toddler and the baby, we’ve been struggling.

Bruce:
Yes, yes. It’s a lot easier when you’re retired. I can say that. But it’s a challenge.

But my point is, if you’re a deacon, if that’s part of the calling in your life—and it’s a calling on all of our lives—just be able to identify some of those places, those times, that I can, I can make sure I’m connecting to the power in my life.

And so whatever method you use—and it’s different for some people—whatever method it is, I use it and go.

Now in your life, the other thing to note is to have people praying for you.

People Praying for You

Bruce:
Now, it took me a long time, and it was a professor who someone asked him in class, “How’s your prayer life?” He says, “My prayer life is fantastic.” He says, “But I don’t spend that much time in prayer.”

But he had developed this idea of having people praying for him. When a person came to him and said, “I feel God calling me to pray for you.” And he said that was just freeing—to know that I was busy, and he was busy in a teaching ministry, and he was busy in administering several international programs.

But because I knew that every day I was being lifted up by somebody whose gift was spiritual—gift was intercession. And so he found—so he said, I decided to multiply those.

And so that’s number one, is that—to find some person with whom you can share everything.

And now those people are usually, you’re called—they’re called to that. Sometimes it’s an arrangement. My Level One intercessor, I will call him that, the guy that I worked with on a regional and national board, and God knit our hearts together in a passion for the church and the growth of the church.

And so, you know, we still, every month, connect for an hour and a half phone call. And I can share anything with him, and know it’s safe, and know he will be lifting that up daily. And I do that for him as well.

The Level Two—that next outer one—are people that you know generally say, “I’ll pray for you.” Now, my Level Two people were both ones who came to me and said, “You know, I pray for you.” And I said, “Good, huh?” And I, every Friday, I would send out a prayer, a prayer email to people saying, “You know, this is what I’m dealing with this week. These are meetings I’ve got. This is when I prepare for my message. This is when I do this. Pray for me.”

And so that group, you know, in California, it was probably about 30 people. When I came here to Grand Haven, it was probably about 35, because they were ahead of that—they had a group that prayed for the pastor.

And then Level Three is just that bigger group of appreciative prayer.

For me—I never once went to a person when I was recruiting people. Never once said, “Hey, I’m recruiting people to pray for me because I’m dealing with this.” And I have never been turned down by that.

And you know, they were people—some I never dealt with, I didn’t talk with them outside of that, sending them that prayer request sheet every week. And you know, these people faithfully lifted me up in prayer.

And you know, if there’s any accolades that go to my ministry and leadership and preaching—they’re some of those people who were lifting me up.

And I just, you know—October in the United States is a horrible month for pastors, because it’s Pastor Appreciation Month. And those were terrible months, because you think, you hope you’re going to get a bunch of cards or something, but it doesn’t ever pan out quite that way.

But to my joy, this last week in October, I got a letter from somebody who was in my church and was one of my prayer partners, and just saying how much they appreciated that. And yeah, and that they continue to pray for me. I’m in this. And so, yeah, so those intercessors—yeah. And God calls some people to pray for you. It’s fascinating.

The Station Wagon Story

Bruce:
Oh, I see that next slide. That is a 1961 Chevrolet station wagon. Station wagon my family owned when I was 16 years old and just gotten my driver’s license.

Yeah, that’s our decrepit house behind it. Anyway, I found that picture. My brother sent me a bunch of pictures from way back, and I burned my father’s camera when he died.

And anyway, this one has meaning for me, because I was on my way to pick up my date Friday night, and that happened to be the woman who became my wife. So we started dating when we were 16.

And anyway, I’m turning left, so I’m waiting. There’s a light. I’m turning left. It turns yellow. I turn. Somebody was trying to beat the red light, and slammed into the back end on the passenger side.

And I didn’t even hardly—I wasn’t hurt. I just didn’t know what happened. But I tried to put the car in gear and tried to get it to move. It wouldn’t move.

And turns out the fender had been smashed up against the tire on it. Long story short, it was hauled to a gas station where there was a mechanic about a mile away. And I went there, and I’m sitting there. “What do you do?”

He says, “Well, I can maybe get it running.” So he takes a blowtorch, and he cuts away from around the tire, the fender from around the tire.

And he says, “Now drive it down the street so I can see it.” So I get in, drive it down the street and drive it back.

And he comes back and says, “Well, you can drive it to get home. But you can’t drive this car very much. Because everything’s out of alignment. And as a result, it’s going to be fighting itself. And it’s going to fall apart someday when you’re driving it.”

Anyway, that has become a parable for me. Right? And I know—you can take my class at CLI on leadership that I teach on The Dark Side of Leadership. My life has been out of alignment at times, and I know the importance of making sure that to my best of my ability and the grace of God, that it’s in alignment.

So that’s one part.

Boundaries and Alignment

Abigail:
And keeping good boundaries is where we’re going next. A huge part of keeping that life in alignment.

Yeah.

How do you do that? By the way, as a young mother, before we even get into that.

Okay, I—

Abigail:
I think there’s a—I think, well, kids do thrive on schedule. So I think in my current phase, kind of trying to keep that schedule and go, “Okay, you know what?”

It’s a huge blessing me at CLI, because I have my kids on site here. So it’s so encouraging that they’re in a space where they’re being taught the love of Christ. They’re being modeled that while I’m here getting to work at CLI. So that helps kind of keep me in alignment, to an extent.

And then it’s like, you get home and it’s got to be okay. You know, we’ve got our chores that we do. We’ve got all the cooking—this and that. But again, getting done at three, we get that kind of opportunity. We can play with them and then do the little Bible reading or whatever, and try and just keep that. Like—I think schedule is big for kids.

But it’s hard. Every day is a new challenge. You know, all of a sudden, Mike has got two teeth coming in, and he’s just sitting there crying.

It’s hard. But I think keeping those boundaries is important, because one of my struggles as a person has been—I’m an outgoing last-born who loves to say yes. I am totally—I can be a yes person.

And even as a parent, that’s not a good thing. You know, it has its place. I like that I can be an agreeable person. But at the same level, if you don’t have boundaries, and you just say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes—I think I just did that this past week.

I said yes to a ton. I did something every night. I literally got home last night at 2 AM from Chicago because I said yes to doing it on Sunday night, and I said yes to you.

The Need for Boundaries

Bruce:
Yeah. Well, let’s talk about that.

Now, the reason this is included in this training session for deacons is that as you become a helper of people and a servant in the name of Jesus Christ, you’re going to find that there are some people who will take advantage of you.

There are some people who reach out and they will. And like you say, we’re motivated people. We want to help people in the name of Jesus. But that should not be done at the cost of more important things. Right?

So—keeping good boundaries.

Now, yeah—the expert on this is named Henry Cloud. There he is. Boundaries. That’s him. You can look that up and you can get more.

We’re giving you just an introduction today to the idea of boundaries.

Henry Cloud on Boundaries

Bruce:
Now, when Henry Cloud talks about boundaries, he begins with this. He says, you know, well, if you own a home or you live in a house, it’s got boundaries, right? There’s a yard.

My house has a fence around the yard and a gate on each side. And I have control over who gets into my yard and who gets into my house, in many respects. Right?

So we’ve got boundaries.

And the boundaries—who owns it? Well, I do. Who controls it? I control it. Who’s responsible for who comes into my house? I’m responsible.

Now, I can let people in with a variety of ways. So the neighbor wants to come in.

Our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices—there are things that will want to come into our area, our space, our life.

I have control over where I live at now.

I can let in. I’ve got a door in the front. I’ve got a door in the garage.

I’ll tell you—my grandchildren have free access anytime. They’ve got the code to open the garage door and walk in the back. They’re open. My daughter, who lives near me, and her husband—anytime. They’re welcome to come in.

But there are some others who aren’t.

Years ago, a man named Gordon MacDonald defined people with variety of ways. So—they’re the VIPs in your life. Very Important People. You treat them differently than everybody else.

There are Very Trainable People that you want to invest in if you’re a leader.

But then there are other Very Dependent People. And these are people who will—you know the old phrase: if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.

And if you’re a deacon, you’re going to meet some of those.

Now, you don’t have to say no all the time. But you’ve got to make sure that they don’t control your life.

Learning Balance

Abigail:
Balance. Again, life is in alignment. You’re staying in an appropriate relationship with them.

Bruce:
Yeah. It took me a long time—you’re learning it younger than I did—a long time in ministry. Because I thought I had to answer yes to everybody. Right?

Because I was Jesus’ representative on the earth.

And it took me a long time—my wife was very helpful in this—to realize that other people’s emergency didn’t necessarily have to be mine.

And I remember the day when I got this call from a woman: “Could you come over and talk to my son? He’s here, and he’s doing this, this, this and this, this.”

And we were sitting down to dinner as a family. “Will your son be there tomorrow?” “Yeah.” “Okay, you can come into the office. I’ve got an open hour at 11 o’clock.”

Now, that’s defining my boundaries. You’re not going to interrupt my dinner with my three young kids. I’m still going to try to meet the need, but not at the expense of family.

This is tough to learn. Just tough to learn for those of us with soft hearts. For some it comes easily. I’ve got friends in ministry for whom this was not a concern—it wasn’t a concern.

And you don’t want to push people away, but know that these people are going to be out there. And when you open that door a crack, they’re going to be wanting to plow in.

Saying No Can Be Loving

Abigail:
And one of the things that’s really helped me—as again, a person who likes to say yes a lot—is to realize that if I’m all about trying to love and help people, sometimes saying yes again and again and again is just harmful.

It is harmful to them. It is harmful to you. And in the end of the day, saying no is the more loving choice in that moment.

And I think that’s something that really has to be understood. Again, for someone, like you said, who has a soft heart for wanting to be there immediately for people, wanting to do this and that. But again, it comes at a cost that it’s not worth saying yes in that moment.

Bruce:
In fact, we’re going to have a session later in this class called When Helping Hurts.

And you’re exactly right. You say yes all the time—that’s not helpful to what you want to build in people.

And so this is just making you aware that you know—you’ve got control of your feelings, your attitudes, your behaviors, your choices. Make sure that you exercise that control. Say yes when you can, but not always.

Now here’s a quote from Henry Cloud:

“Saying no is hard, right? But you’ve got to set your priorities. That comes before you can say yes. So let your priorities be the strategy that tells you when to say yes and when to say no. Say yes to people and activities that help you realize and fulfill your dreams, relationships, and pursuits that you have prioritized. Say no to the people and activities that push you further away.”

Now, as a deacon, you’re going to have a priority of being a helping voice and a helping hand to people. It is going to be part of your priorities.

But your family is a higher priority. Your own spiritual and physical and emotional health is a higher priority.

And so—draw your boundaries. Hold to them.

It was very hard for me to say no the first few times I started to catch on to this. It gets a lot easier.

Boundaries and Priorities

Abigail:
Once you see the benefit of doing that. It even goes back to, you know, thinking of the deacons that were appointed to care for the widows.

It’s like, well, they could easily start all of a sudden trying to do this. And now all of a sudden these girls aren’t being cared for again. They’ve moved away from the priority by trying to maybe say yes to things that really were not what they were called to do and the priority.

And like you said—of course, that stress on your family being priority, your spiritual well-being being that priority.

Closing

Bruce:
So we’re going to continue this next time. I hope this is a good interest for you at this point, but these are things—we’re just talking about: What will you do as a deacon?

Well, this is part of it. Explore more next time. See you soon.

Abigail:
Bye.