Video Transcript: Unit 11, Video 3

So welcome back. We are now on segment three of this week, and things are  flying by, so I hope that you are getting your cumulative project all in order and  getting ready to submit that. I'm really excited to go through that and see what  

you have been learning, what's happening in your community, who in your area  has disabilities, and what that looks like, and what they are bringing to your  community, and how this course is maybe shaping or reshaping what your  worship experience looks like, what your children's ministry looks like, and how  you interact with those that you have learned about in your community. So now I want to talk about some of those strategies for when behaviors are occurring.  And so let's get going on this strategies for when behaviors are occurring or  have occurred, so sometimes when they've already occurred. And now you have to go in and kind of figure out what has happened, and how do we make things  right again? So first, let's talk about when a situation is kind of in progress, if we  can say that, and so things are escalating. And so that might mean that that  person who's on sensory overload, so say the music was too loud, and there  were smells that caused this person a lot of sensory overload. They are they are now signaling that they need to get out. They're flapping, they're loud, they're  moving around a lot. They might be starting to throw some things, and you're  going, we need to de escalate this situation. We need that person to calm down. And maybe there's some other people within this situation as well who are  starting to get upset. And so things are escalating quickly. How do you de  escalate? Right? That is a question that I get asked a lot. And so this can apply,  again, thinking about that idea of universal design. This can apply to people with disabilities, that might be physical, that might be cognitive, those could be  mental health challenges. This can also simply apply to people who come into  our churches, who are angry, hurt or scared, or a myriad of other things. And so  consider these few strategies, and consider the resources that are in this week's links for some ways to de escalate situations before something gets what I  would just call messy. So de escalation talks about our appearance, and so we  shift from a forward stance to a bit of a side stance. So if I am sort of squared up at you, we are literally sizing one another up. And this is a pretty aggressive  stance, but if I tilt my body slightly to the side and relax my shoulders, and even  if I'm standing, and you can picture that my hands are down by my side, not  tucked in a pocket, but leisurely down by my side. I'm relaxing. I'm a little to the  to the sort of on a diagonal at my side, so that I can quickly move if I need to.  But I'm not threatening in any way. And so my stance, my appearance is not  threatening. I'm curious. I'm trying to find out what it is that's causing you to have these big behaviors coming at me, right? And I'm thinking about this so that I am not escalating the situation by saying, Stop. What are you doing? Right? I am  just curious. Of I can see that you are upset. All right, so let's talk about the  language that we can use, the communication once we're in a side step, kind of  stance. The best thing to ask is, How can I help and then simply listen? So if I 

can approach you and say, How can I help, and let the person they're going to  vent, if they have words, they're going to let you know what it is that they are  upset about, what is angering them, and simply listen and say, I'm sorry when  they express what it is that has upset them. And if you just start with that, keep  that as your script. That's not going to escalate what they are sharing, and you  might need to just simply let them vent for a while. Let them get out that big  energy. Let them get out all the frustration. Now, if this is someone who is  nonverbal, who does not use words, I would still ask the question, How can I  help? And then be willing to let them show you they may want to show you  something that might mean they're going to come towards your hand and want  to put your hand on the food item or something that they're communicating, or  try to get you to come with them somewhere. And now be smart about this,  right? Make sure that you have other people around you. In fact, that's another  thing to think about in terms of this de escalation is, do you have someone that  you can tag and you can team up with so that you're not alone in this situation,  that you have another person so that if you're not connecting well with this  person who is aggravated, escalated has these big behaviors, you can sort of  tap out and let your teammate take over, or one of you. Be pulling up a resource or going to get help or making a phone call, or right, sort of as I envisioned  Jesus drawing in the sand when he was confronted with some angry individuals, and he just wrote in the sand until, sort of, they blew off their scene, and then he looked up and said, Hmm, do none of them condemn you. Neither do I go in sin  no more. And so I think sometimes having that other person who can kind of be  doing something in the background while, while you're working, and then you  trade off and say, oh, you know what? I'm going to let them help with you with  that, or, or if I'm, if you, if you're sort of being directed, right? And this person is  trying to show you something, you can make sure that that other person is  watching and coming along with you, so that you're not alone or getting into  further danger. So anyway, the communications piece is a lot of just saying, How can I help? And I'm sorry, and letting them blow off their steam and get out their  energy. And then the E is for engagement. So active looking and active listening, so eyes on the person, watching their face, watching their body language, active listening. So you show that you are paying attention to what they're saying.  You're saying, I'm sorry. You might offer some little signals of curiosity. It sounds  like that was really hard. Tell me some more, right? So allowing them to share at their own pace, but active listening. So it sounds like and then offering a little bit  of a summary of what you heard them say, right? It sounds like it hurt when this  happened. Am I hearing you right? Asking those kinds of clarifying questions, so that it shows that you are truly engaged in listening with them, and again, having that other person with you, so that if there is some more leadership that needs  to take place of the rest of the group, someone needs to continue teaching a  lesson, something like that, and you are going to focus on the individual whose 

behaviors are right now really big. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe you need  to take over the lesson so that that other person can handle the behavior right?  So that's why that tag team can be helpful, because you do need a person who  is going to focus their attention on this person's big behaviors until they get  

calmed down. Otherwise it will probably continue to escalate. And I am speaking from experience here. There are a few behaviors that I think you can deescalate by ignoring them. Sometimes individuals are just trying to get attention, but  oftentimes it's so much more helpful to simply give your full attention for a  moment, and then you can also say, You know what it sounds like that's really  upsetting to you. Why don't we talk about that after this session? And then  you've acknowledged them. And sometimes that is enough to help them to calm  down, so that after the session is done, after you're done teaching, preaching,  worshiping, whatever, then you can say, talk about what it was that was  upsetting. You tell me some more. And at that point, they may not have that  much left, because the moment has passed. Their heat has cooled, but maybe  they do, and you just need to actively listen. So giving full attention, I think, can  really help de escalate those big behaviors quite often. So full eye contact and  big ears for listening. Now I again want to remind you, do what calms the person you learned, what calms this individual? So now do that thing. So when this  person is getting frustrated, you have something in place that will calm them  down. So you've got that painting corner, you've got the beanbag to get things  squished. You've got sound blockers or music that you can turn on. I have used  this many times, especially with individuals living with dementia when they're  getting very agitated, because what is what they are thinking is happening right  now, and that may not be what is happening in our actual setting, but their  memory is telling them that something is happening. They're very upset about it, or they really want something to happen. And so I can redirect them by bringing  up something that's very calming for them, or I can simply start coloring and  invite them here, would you like to use the blue while I use the green? Or turn  on their favorite song? Or right simply step out of the room together and see let's get some fresh air as we talk this through. So redirecting, but knowing what it is  that calms them. So knowing that maybe piano music is wonderfully calming for  this person, start singing a hymn together, those kinds of things, whatever it is  that calms this person. And again, you've already found this out because you  know that person now you've gotten to know what calms them. So do that thing  to help to de escalate and redirect. Now I have mentioned a few times that I  don't come at this just from a ministry leader's perspective, but I have learned  from special education and I've learned from special educators. So here are a  few tips from special educators who've been working with children with  disabilities in a. Variety of settings. And here's some things that they suggest  that I have also seen work really well be calm and move slowly. So we call this  CO regulating when I am sort of bringing the calm to the situation, and that 

might mean even pointing out. We will talk more when your voice is as calm as  mine, and so we're going to talk together and get to a point where we're both  calm like this. If I'm rushing and yelling as well, that's probably going to keep  escalating the situation. So I need to bring the calm model. It move slowly and  intentionally, so that I don't rush into things, so that I don't cause more damage  and so that I don't escalate further notice and use protection. If this person is  kicking, biting, screaming, I might wear long sleeves. I might get protective  sleeves if I know that this individual is prone to biting, right? I might actually  even have some padding or grab a blanket to wrap around myself, or in some  cases, around the other person. For protection, there are some ways to know  how to safely contain a situation, so use protection when necessary. And I will  suggest in here to empty the room when things are really escalating and there is someone who's maybe throwing things or that biting and kicking kind of  situation, so have everyone else exit the room so that this individual can kind of  blow off their Steam without hurting anyone else. And sometimes that might  mean having a room that is pretty much empty of everything else, so that it's a  space for someone to blow off steam, not that you force people into this, not that you lock anyone away, not that you segregate. Don't hear me say that, but  sometimes it's helpful to simply have an empty space that can be used to calm  down right that calming corner, a space where they can kick the beanbag a few  times, if that is what is needed, but a place where it's safe, so use protection  when necessary, and know what's there, teach instead of react. I worked with a  preschool teacher who was amazing at this. She would say, You know what? I'm sorry I forgot to teach the proper procedure for how to do this. And she would go back and she would teach the entire group once again. Here's how we do this  step that I forgot to talk about, and so that just eliminated frustration in the kids,  and it was incredible. What can you teach instead of reacting when they are  screaming? Can you say, You know what? I need to teach us all how to take our  turn. So let's let me show you, when you have an answer to give, here's how  we're going to do that. We're going to raise our hand and put our hand over our  mouth, and then when we've gotten permission and we've been called upon by  name, we can take our hand down from our mouth, put our hand down and give  the answer, right? So how can you teach the response that you're looking for  rather than react? Stop doing that. Don't do it that way, right? How can you be a  teacher in this sense, instead of, or in this context, instead of just a reactionary  component, redirect, and I already talked about this a little bit that has huge  power, simply bring up something you know this person enjoys, say, Would you  like to try this instead and offer maybe they get to go into snack instead, or try a  different song. Or if music is continuing, would you like to try doing it from over  here, where it's quieter? Would you like to sit instead of stand? Would you like to stand instead of sit? Shall we just take a walk and get a drink of water? Right?  Something that will redirect them for a moment, to break that up, and that can 

also help them now to just refocus and settle down think alongside the person.  And I'm going to spend a few minutes going through these two techniques for  doing that. One is called mind to the gap, and one I'll just call boxes. So these  are some techniques for you to think through behavior with this person and help  them to know that they actually have choices. And it's like if you've ever been in  London, in England, and been on the underground or the tube, the tram that  runs through the city, they have these signs everywhere that say, Mind the gap.  And it even says it Mind the gap before you get onto the tram. And so the idea is that you stop and you look at where your feet are before you get on to the train.  And I think this is so like what we're doing when we get into our behaviors. And  an educator thought about this when he was on a trip in London, and he brought it back to his classroom in the United States, and he would work through this  with students, and say, We need to mind the gap before we act on something,  and then we actually have a choice of how we behave. And then each behavior  leads to a consequence. And I'm kind of coming back to that ABCs concept,  again, right? What comes before it the behavior and then the consequence that  comes after it. So he did. This for some students, and one student created a  visual with him, and so they would work through this together. So you notice the  signs of what's causing the behavior. The gap is where you choose your  destination, and you choose your behavior that's going to get you there, and  then the where that takes you. In this student's case, it took them either to the  Wicked Witch's castle or to the Emerald City. So this student must have been a  fan of The Wizard of Oz, but you create this with them, so you find out again,  some of their favorite things. So what are some things that they enjoy? What is  maybe a movie or a show or, you know, a superhero, or something that's going  to engage them in creating this with you. And so you create this alongside them, and I've kind of flipped it upside down here, but if you notice the sign, and then  there's that gap where you're going to choose the destination, and then there's  the action. You have two choices for the action, name what you're going to do,  and each action leads to a destination. And you name and you show where that  leads. One is positive and one is negative, right? So that each action leads to a  consequence. So for example, I give instructions you're upset because you don't want to have the story before the snack time. So your choices are to get up and  throw the snack around, or to eat the snack and then listen to the story. So the  good consequence is, you still get to listen to the story and have the snack. The  upsetting consequence, or the not so fun consequence, is, if you throw the  snack now, you don't get the snack, and the story is going to be delayed  because you threw the snack, and now you have to clean it up, right? So can  you hear what I'm saying about having two different choices, and those actions  each lead to a different outcome, and so that's what you do, but you're drawing  this with them and creating this sort of map, like this one came out with  something based on the Wizard of Oz, but you create one with the person as 

you think with them about their action and the consequence of it. So if that  seems a bit complex and imaginative, and maybe you're just not quite that  creative, or you want something that's a little simpler visually, here's a technique  I just call boxes, and so it's a little simplified. It's just, here's the behavior, here's  the consequence, and each one has an arrow to it, and where it says behavior,  you simply write in what the behavior is, and where it says consequence, you  simply write or draw what the consequence is. And so one is again, that positive, the other is that negative. So you know, if you steal things, you don't get to keep  them, and you have to make restoration, and you might even have to go in a  timeout, or right, if we're talking in legal senses, right, if you steal something  from someone else, you're probably going to do some time in jail. And that's just  a myth. That's That's how these things work. That's one of the consequences of  it. So that's the kind of thing we're talking about. Is simply a behavior leads to a  consequence. And so we can do this in a lot of ways, and it's a really great  teaching tool, even just as you're setting the tone for a class or a study together.  And to say our behaviors have consequences. There's all kinds of great  theological things we could talk about with that as well, and examples from  scripture that we could talk about. I actually did a session on Abram and  Abraham and his choices in trying to fulfill the promise of his family. So you can  think about right, the conflict, the behavior of trying to do it himself and have his  son Ishmael led to these consequences, and letting God do it, and having a son  through Sarah led to Isaac and these other consequences. So I think there's a  great potential there, that you can talk about this in a lot of ways, but then use  this as a tool when those behaviors are happening. Now, here's a tip from  scripture, when those behaviors are really erupting and happening, pray, spend  time inviting the Holy Spirit and asking for God's intervention in the situation.  Use the name of Jesus right out loud to say, Lord, help us through this, and to  bless the person, their big behaviors, their emotions, these things that are  spilling out of them, those are not God's best for this person. So pray God's  blessing over them. And I would just encourage you to do that all right. So pray  God's blessing, and I'll talk about that a little bit more in a minute. But first I want to first I'm going to just talk about when behaviors are causing harm, a great  policy that exists in the organization that I currently work for, where we have  adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities around us. A lot we talk  about first thing is to establish safety and stop harm. So I'm thinking about, you  know, when one person is maybe causing harm to another reactively, they're  upset or maybe unintentionally, and it's just their body is out of control, right? So  stop harm. Get medical assistance if it's needed, and then once you've got  safety, the harm has stopped, and medical assistance is on its way, then you  focus on preventing. A reoccurrence of this behavior, and then in the  organizational setting, it's important to report on the incident and to follow up  with those involved in that as quickly as possible. So just a good kind of 

overview of a policy to keep in mind. But I just want to again, focus on, bless the person. Pray over them. Have some scriptures in mind that you're going to  speak over them some truth, some biblical truths of the Lord has said you are  fearfully and wonderfully made, right? God says that all have fallen short of the  glory and that He has redeemed us in Christ, we are new creations. Just  speaking some of those things over a person as you pray with them. And I  suggest you ask for permission. Can I pray with you? And if they don't want  prayed with Okay, can I pray for you? I'm going to pray for you, even just silently in my head, but you need to know I'm praying for you, or have that person who's your tag team person, be the prayer person, right? But engage the Holy Spirit in  this process and keep everyone safe. Now, before we totally wrap up, I want to  talk about when behaviors have caused harm, some things that you can do, and I've learned this from restorative practices. So the International Institute of  restorative practices has set up the set of questions you can ask whether the  person is going to give full answers or not. These are great questions to engage  everyone after harm has happened. And so here's what we ask. We ask the  person who caused harm what happened, and listen to their side of the story.  Again, remember eyes and ears showing active listening. Ask, what were you  thinking at the time, not in a condemning way, but literally. Curiously, what were  you thinking at the time? What did they think was going to happen from this,  right? What was the consequence they thought was coming? What were they  looking for? What were they thinking at the time? What have you thought about,  since this is a really important question, they have maybe had a moment to  reflect since then, and maybe this conversation happens a bit of time after all of  the incident has been wrapped up and finished, right? So what have they been  thinking about is their regret? Have they thought through how they might have  done it differently? Have they thought about the people that it impacted that kind of thing? But simply ask the question, What have you thought about since and  then, who has been affected by what you have done in what way this can  sometimes be a mind boggling question to ask many of the individuals with  which I have interacted. I get to this question and they start to realize how many  people it impacted. One young man I was working with had no idea that now it  was not only part of his day and the person that he had harmed, but also my  day, his parents day, a lot of his other friends, right? Those who were preparing  the meal because of what time this happened and where it happened. So it  impacted a lot of people, and this person had no scope to think about that.  There were even other people engaged in this. For him, it was all taking place in his own mind. So this question was really impactful, just to realize how many  other people were actually involved in the situation. And then the final question  is, what do you think you need to do to make things right now? This is a set of  questions that ask, first, what happened, so we focus on the past. And then what were you thinking about since who's been affected and in what way? And so 

we're talking about the present, now and then we move into the future and talk  about what needs to happen to make things right. And notice it's not about how  much punishment should you have, what do you deserve? It's about how do you make things right? Because behaviors that harm are breaking community, and  what we need to do is restore community, hence why these are called  restorative practices, and why I'm such a fan of these things, and I think it's  really important for them to deeply consider, what can they do to make things  right? Whether it's put the object back together that they smashed, or maybe  replace it? Is it repair a relationship? A set of individuals said to someone that  they were actually hitting physically, said, I'm going to stop doing that. And  actually, I would like to take this person for lunch and ask them to sit with me at  lunch if they're willing, so that we can start to build a positive relationship. So  things like that. What do you think you need to do to make things right and let  them answer that fully and honestly and ponder on that a while. Now, once  you've asked these questions of the person who caused harm, talk to the person who has been harmed, and similar questions, but slightly modified. So what did  you think when you realized what had happened? Sometimes we don't realize  right away what has happened, and then after it's all done, we realize how much harm has been done to us. And so this question is worded very carefully to say,  what did you think when you realized what had happened? And again, we  focused on the past, first, and then we move into the present and into the future. What impact has the incident had on you and others? And again, right, realizing  this is not just about you. Yes, you. Been hurt, maybe you have bruises, or  maybe you have scratches, or maybe there are emotional scars, or maybe you  are missing something now that was really valuable to you. Maybe you missed  out on a time that you were really looking forward to. But you're not the only one  impacted, and this is important, because I think isolation can be the work of the  enemy, and this is a place to bring restoration back in by realizing there are  others who have been impacted by this as well. So that one, your suffering is not alone, but also there are others impacted. And so what needs to be done to  make things right is a bigger situation than just you. So I just think it's a really  helpful thing to think about that you're not alone in this. So what has been the  hardest thing for you is a question that allows them to really vent and express  what's been deeply hurtful, what's been hard, what they've been working  through, that kind of thing. So active listening here is really important, as well as  a leader. And then finally, again, what do you think needs to happen to make  things right. And what this person says as the one who has been harmed, what  they are thinking needs to happen to make things right is incredibly important,  and the person who did the harm needs to know what this person's response to  that question is. So what the person who is harmed thinks needs to be done to  make things right is, is what that person who did the harm needs to follow  through on and the community then holds this person accountable. Now asking 

these questions does not mean that now this person doesn't have  consequences like a timeout or even maybe going to jail. If this was a legal  situation, right? It might mean that there are some disciplinary actions that the  church has put in place depending on what has happened. So it doesn't, it  doesn't trump those things. It doesn't take away from those kinds of  consequences, but it does come alongside them in a way that says we give you  a chance to make things right. So these are some ways that you can handle  escalated, aggravated, big behavior situations, and you can lean into some of  the other experts. So look into the resources from that jump to response  teaching for de escalation. Look into some of the resources on the International  Institute of restorative practices. And also, again, lean into those already in your  community, those special educators, those people who are working with people  with disabilities, who know what calms them, what triggers them, and that kind  of a thing, so that you can create an environment in which everyone is in  relationship, everyone is understanding and working together.