Henry: So today we're going to talk about discerning the moment. And this, in a sense, is dealing with what it means to function as a chaplain. What are some of our thoughts? How do we basically think about it?

Let's talk about this. A chaplain once gave a perfect prayer, but missed the moment. A grieving teen said, "I wish somebody had asked how I was doing." He officiated, but he did not discern the moment. That is the heart of this session.

In some ways, we could look at it like: What happens if you miss something? Because we're not going to be perfect. So what? Let's approach this as a kind of self-care question. At this point in the message, I could be thinking, "The last thing I want to do is be a chaplain. How can I learn all this? I should have done this. I should have done that." I felt that way when we were talking about the last session. Various suicides have happened in my ministry. We were both reflecting—we didn't have this at the seminary we attended. In fact, we don't yet have a class specifically on suicide to help ministers. Some classes deal a little with it, but in general, what happens when we were not what we wanted to be? How do we address that as we look back?

Tom: Yeah, you keep coming up with heavy topics here.

Henry: Well, it's ministry training, right?

Tom: Yeah, ministry training. One of the things is that we should show ourselves the same grace we show other people. There will be times when we fall short of our mark. We don’t understand all the dynamics of what’s happening. We miss the signals. Perhaps if we had been more alert, we would have picked up on something and responded to it. But we’re not always going to get it right. So, we do our best to prepare for the situations we might encounter. 

Depending on what kind of chaplain we are and what kind of institution we’re working in, we probably focus on certain kinds of things. If I’m a hospice chaplain, I’m going to focus on preparing people to die and preparing their loved ones to say goodbye. I’m not going to be focusing on that if I’m a chaplain to a motorcycle club. So, what are the things I should be preparing for? And when something totally outside that realm happens, I need to give myself grace and say, "There’s no way I could have predicted that."

Henry: Right. And even when you make a mistake, you are— 

Tom: "Yeah, I make mistakes." And people are gracious. I don’t find that people are angry because I didn’t do a perfect job of caring for them. At least, that’s what I tell myself. When I can’t be fully prepared—because it’s impossible to be ready for everything—then I focus on being present. What can I do in this situation right now, even though I may have missed some dynamics or not asked the right questions?

Something helpful in hindsight is to get together with other chaplains. Just like any other profession, you come together with people in the same line of work and debrief. You talk it through: "This is the situation I encountered. This is what happened. I wish I had done this. I didn’t realize that." You ask, "What advice do you have for me that would help in the future?" We can't help but make mistakes. But we can learn from them.

Henry: In many ways, it comes down to developing discernment. Jesus in the crowd: "Who touched me?" He's interested. He’s engaged. Philip with the eunuch. You see this openness to understand and respond. Ministry happens where prepared wisdom, Spirit-led listening, and presence meet. Watch for who hasn’t spoken. What's not being said? When to pause and pray. There’s a journey of curiosity in being a chaplain.

Tom: Sometimes I think of chaplains as detectives or investigators. You try to figure out the pieces. And you can’t beat yourself up because you’ll never figure them all out. But you ask: Who hasn’t said anything? Why hasn’t anyone brought this issue up? What might be holding someone back from sharing it?

In critical incident stress debriefings, used by police, fire departments, and Coast Guard chaplains, you gather the people involved in the incident and walk through it. What you pay attention to most is not just who spoke, but who didn't say anything. That quiet person might be the one who needs personal follow-up. And you might notice nobody brings up a certain issue. That might mean it’s unsafe to say it in front of the group. But you might ask people later, one-on-one.

Discernment takes time. So slow down. Be patient. Look around the room. Use your ears, your heart, your eyes. What do you see? What don’t you see? Be gentle. Don’t try to solve everything. Let the process evolve. Follow the Spirit. Follow Scripture. Try to bring people around to hope.

Henry: You don’t need to perform. Just be present. You represent Jesus. You represent compassion. Like Job’s friends, before they started talking. Like the Psalms. There is a language of the soul in silence and tears.

So let’s think of some practical calls to action:

  • Pause 10 seconds before speaking.

  • Ask, "God, what are you doing here?" without trying to control the answer.

  • Write down what you discern. Reflect on it.

Have you done practices like that?

Tom: Yes. And I’ll throw a lot of pastors and chaplains under the bus—we like to fix things. People come to us, and we want to help solve their problems. So I’m still working on that 10-second pause. Because you might tell me something, and I think I know what the issue is. And I start giving you advice. But maybe that wasn’t even the real issue.

Especially in trauma. It takes time for people to feel safe enough to say what they’re really thinking. If we respond too quickly, they may never get to say it.

One of the biggest things people are afraid to tell me in trauma: they’re very angry at or disappointed with God. And when they finally say it, sometimes even with profanity, and they look at me like, "What is the chaplain going to do and say?" And I say, "I understand your anger. And from what I read in Scripture, God understands your anger." That surprises them.

Then I say, "Look at how many people in the Bible complained to or yelled at God. He never zapped them with lightning. He listened. He let them vent. And He didn’t give up on them."

Someone will say, "God let me down." And someone else will say, "I would never say that." And I say, "Do you think God didn’t already know that’s how you felt?" 

God can handle it. He can handle our questions, our disappointment, and our anger. Despite all those things we think or say to God, He doesn't give up on us. 

If they don’t say it, it will come out in other ways. The pause is important. My wife says I should make it 20 seconds.

Henry: And what’s so interesting is: it’s conflict with God. And that’s normal. There’s a whole spectrum of reaction. It’s like any human conflict. Nobody wants to be told to forgive right away. There is a timing to navigating human and divine conflict. And it can be complicated.

Tom: Yes, it is complicated. And we should expect it to be. I love the prayer: "Help us be chaplains who listen to heaven before we speak on earth." Listening is that presence, physical presence. And presence is the most important thing in chaplaincy.

آخر تعديل: الأربعاء، 18 يونيو 2025، 11:10 ص