Video Transcript: Building Relationships with Institutions, Families, and the Public

Building Relationships with Institutions, Families, and the Public

Practical Insights for Volunteer and Part-Time Chaplains

Henry: Okay? Today, we're going to discuss building relationships and offer practical insights for volunteer and part-time chaplains. Let's first discuss why relationships matter. Okay, so in a lot of ways, we're talking here now—we've shifted in our class—to get into some practical skill-based soft skills of chaplains.

So why do relationships matter? Chaplains serve institutions, families, and the public. In a sense, there are three distinct audiences. And access follows trust, influence follows relationships. Let's go down to that Ministry Sciences quote there: "Access follows trust, influence follows relationships."

Tom: Yeah, that's a great quote. I assume it's from you—that's because it was so good.

Henry: Thanks.

Tom: People need to know that the chaplain is someone that they can trust if they're going to go to them and talk about the deeper things in their lives. They're not going to bare their soul to just anybody. And the way that they're going to learn that you are trustworthy as a chaplain is when they get to know you, right? You're not going to be this person who comes swooping down and prays at a ceremony and then disappears, right? You're going to be somebody who they see on the job, that they see around their workplace, that asks them questions about their life, and cares about them.

And what’s that other saying? "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." So asking questions about their work... I do not have a mechanical bone in my body, okay? But when I would go visit a ship and people would say, "Would you like to go to the engineering department?"—on the inside, I said, "That’s the last thing I want to do." Right? And on the outside, I said, "Yeah, I would love to see that." And then some 18-year-old guy, 19-year-old guy, would give me a full tour of all the engineering department stuff that I did not care about, right? But that person realized-or thought correctly—that I cared enough about them that I wanted to know about their life.

Henry: Even if you’d been on that tour like 25 times.

Tom: Oh, at least. Sometimes I'd go from one ship to the other and get the same tour, right? But hey—he cares, he’s interested. And then when you're having that tour, you ask: Where are you from? What are you hoping to do in the military? Are you married? Are you in a relationship? What can you tell me? The more that you get to know them, the more that they'll trust you, because they'll see that you care, not just that you're an official, paid, kind person, but that you actually care about them.

Henry: That brings us to building institutional relationships—so that you have a relationship with people that you're ministering to, but you also have the institution that you maybe are volunteering for, working for, whatever. So it’s just some common sense here, but it’s essential—even for volunteers.

Tom: Very important. And in some ways, more important. Because when I would show up as a military chaplain, I had built-in credibility because I was a military chaplain, right? This was my job. This was my profession. And so people—rightly or wrongly—assumed this guy knows what he's doing. He has experience. He understands our life. He understands us. And he's one of us, which was sometimes more true and sometimes less true. But I had some built-in credibility.

If you're a volunteer with the local fire department, the local police department, or the local ER, you're not going to necessarily start with that built-in credibility. You're going to have to earn it. Because they don't know who you are. They don't know anything about you. And the way that they will learn who you are is if you show up. If you do your role. And you learn, as appropriate, to speak their language.

So when I was a volunteer fire department chaplain—on occasion, I didn’t have a ton of time—but on occasion, I would just hang out at the fire department, right? And I’d get to know people. I would help around the station. I would do things with them. When they had a call, I would go on the call. But I never pretended to be a fireman. I never pretended I knew much about it. But I asked a lot of questions. So I learned their language. I showed up as consistently as I could. I stayed in my lane. I stayed in my role. I tried to learn as much as I could about them. And I continued that. When there was a ceremony, like a picnic for the families, I would always attend those.

Henry: Oh boy. There you go. You are just way ahead of me. Listen first. Speak second. Use names, and we learn names. Ask permission. Follow up. Presence before proclamation. Again, we're seeing the theme. At this point in the class, it's a very common thing: listen and learn.

Tom: Yes. And now, if you were a fireman yourself, you're going to have some built-in credibility, yes. But if you weren't, you can earn that credibility—it just takes a little bit longer. Like if I were a country club chaplain, I'd get thrown out in a day after people saw me, oh no, with a golf club in my hand. But I could probably get quite a ways at a Coast Guard unit, because I have credibility and experience there.

Henry: Well, that's what's so exciting about the chaplain program here at Christian Leaders Institute and Christian Leaders Alliance: the area that you have an interest in is an area where you can do ministry. If you've been saved from something traumatic, you understand and associate with those who went through it, or you have a ministry to reach those who went through what you went through. There’s a commonality. And the chaplain opportunity allows you to minister.

You know, like for me, in a fire department station, I would not be very practical there. But I would be very impractical on a ship. I would have no idea about any of that stuff.

Tom: But if the opportunity presented itself, you could learn.

Henry: I could learn.

Tom: You would have to build that credibility, where somebody else gets their army in there the day they show up.

Henry: That's really so true. Okay, serving in public spaces—represent the gospel without losing the neighbor. Be visible, not the center. Build local relationships. Stay gospel-centered, not culture-war driven.

Tom: Ooh, yeah. That last one is fairly loaded.

Henry: Yeah, these are all loaded.

Tom: You want to represent the gospel in a way that doesn't alienate people. And how I talk as a Christian chaplain to non-Christians will be a part of that. I have to talk in such a way because when you're the chaplain, you're the chaplain for everybody. You're not just the chaplain for people of your same faith group. And I can't build artificial barriers that keep a person who has no faith, or maybe is Jewish or Muslim or whatever, they need to be able to come to me as their chaplain as well.

I also like to be visible, not the center. When there's a ceremony and I have a chance to train the chaplains who are going to do it, I’d say, “You’ve been asked to give the opening prayer and maybe a benediction. That’s a privilege, but people did not come to hear you pray. They came for whatever the event is.” And so keep what you say appropriate and timely. You're not preaching a sermon, don’t use this as an opportunity to.

Henry: Don’t have, like, a prayer that is a secret hidden sermon.

Tom: Oh yeah. Or, you know, or like we sometimes do when we're preaching, where we preach the whole sermon over again in our prayer. Be visible, but you're not the main attraction. You're not the main event.

And local partnerships are essential. You may be the chaplain of the fire department in your community, but there are pastors in your community, too, to whom those firemen go. You want to get to know those pastors. In fact, what I would do with the Coast Guard is—when I'd visit, if I was visiting an isolated unit, like let's say Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan—I’d say, “Where do you go to church?” And if there were two or three people who named the same church, and I were there over a weekend, I would attend that church. Or I would have coffee with the pastor. And I would say, “I don’t know if you know this, but this guy, this guy, and this guy all go to your church.” And they usually knew. And I said, “So you have a pretty big opportunity to influence the Coast Guard people here. Let’s talk about how you might be able to assist. Because I live 500 miles away. If something happens, can I call on you to help out in a time of need?”

And very seldom is a pastor going to say, “No, you can’t call on me in a time of need.” However, having coffee with them, taking them out to lunch, or bringing them to the Coast Guard station for a boat ride went a long way toward building those partnerships.

And the gospel-centered, not culture-war—I think that is important, especially in this day and age. Focus on your realm, which is the sacred, not getting involved in political discussions or trying to score points by bringing up—

Henry: Well, it's interesting. When I was in Illinois, the chairman of the Republican Party's Central Committee lived down the street from me. She was approximately 78 years old and served as the chairman. Interesting gal. So she said, “Will you be chaplain of the Republican Central Committee?” That was the committee that chose—very powerful.

Tom: Oh, sure.

Henry: And I remember committing myself to being not political, no matter what—even to the Republican Central Committee. But it gave me—she trusted me. So, because I was ordained, I had access. This gal saw me in action. And sure enough, I prayed for many of the Republican politicians, but they would never have thought that I had picked sides. And even when I prayed for the Democratic politicians—because we lived in almost predominantly all Republican areas. But I generally—you'll find that at Christian Leaders Institute—I am not a political creature in this sense. Yes, I vote and all of those things, but my whole point is that you bring the presence of God. We are part of the Heavenly Kingdom even though we are on Earth.

Tom: I think your instincts were spot on—that your job there is to provide spiritual support to those people, whoever they are. And if you had made it overtly political, it would have gotten in the way of you being able to do your role. They didn’t need you to be a cheerleader for this party—they could handle that themselves. What they wanted was someone who could represent the sacred, perhaps add a little dignity to some of their celebrations and events, but who understood their role. And I think that was on a more recent slide—about remembering your role.

Henry: And the 3Rs of chaplaincy relationship are: Respect: Honor boundaries and differences with others. Reliability: Be consistent and trustworthy. Reverence: Bring presence over performance. Again, we see these similar realities. “We were gentle among you, not only the Good News of God, but also our souls.” Share your soul, not just your Scripture. In other words, just—

Tom: Be authentic. Authentic.

Henry: Final takeaway: Angela turned to the ICU in a time of crisis. The family remembered their mother and the chaplain who created space. That story illustrates it all: show up, build trust, love deeply.

Yes—we have a few more presentations to go, and these are very brief, so please stay with us. We look forward to returning.