🎥 Video 8B Transcript: What Helps vs. What Harms: Taking Sides, Triangulation, and Secret Alliances

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In hospice, families sometimes try to pull the chaplain into the conflict. They may not mean harm. They are scared and grieving. But if you get triangulated—if you become “on one side”—trust collapses quickly.

Scripture gives a wise direction:

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”
—Matthew 5:9 (WEB)

Peacemaking is not people-pleasing. It is steady, honest, and wise.

1) What triangulation looks like

Triangulation happens when someone tries to use you to influence someone else.

Examples:

  • “Don’t tell my sister I said this, but…”

  • “Can you tell Dad he needs to forgive me?”

  • “You’re the chaplain—tell them they’re wrong.”

  • “Pray so they’ll finally listen.”

These are secret alliances. They make you unsafe.

2) What helps: clear boundaries and consent

Here is a safe response:

“I want to support you, but I can’t be a messenger or take sides.
If something needs to be said, I can help you think through how to say it directly—if it’s safe.”

You are offering support without becoming a tool.

3) What helps: one point person for staff communication

Families under stress often confuse the team because different relatives give different messages. Sometimes the simplest peacemaking move is to encourage one point person.

You can say:
“It may help if the family chooses one person to communicate with staff, so the care plan stays clear.”

4) What not to do

To protect the patient and your role:

  • Do not carry secrets that harm care coordination.

  • Do not agree to manipulate others through prayer or spiritual authority.

  • Do not diagnose the family or label them.

  • Do not promise you can fix conflict.

  • Do not override hospice policy or the care plan.

5) A simple peacemaking line

Here is a line that works in many tense rooms:

“I’m here to support the patient and the family with dignity.
I will listen, I can pray if invited, and I can help connect you with the social worker for family support.”

That line keeps you in your lane and keeps the room safer.



Остання зміна: вівторок 24 лютого 2026 04:29 AM