🎥 Video 8B Transcript: Pitfalls: Triangulation, Secret Alliances, and Becoming the Messenger

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter…

One of the quickest ways a chaplain can get pulled into conflict is through something called triangulation. That’s when two people in tension pull in a third person—often you—to carry messages, take sides, or validate their story.

In hospitals, triangulation happens constantly because stress is high, decisions are heavy, and family histories are complicated.

This video will help you avoid three major pitfalls and give you replacement phrases that keep you safe, helpful, and in your lane.

1) Pitfall one: becoming the messenger

A family member says:
“Go tell my brother he needs to leave.”
Or, “Tell the nurse we want different treatment.”
Or, “Explain to dad what the doctor really meant.”

If you become the messenger, you become the conflict carrier. You also risk stepping outside scope.

A better response:
“I hear what you want. I’m not the right person to carry that message. Let’s talk about the best way to communicate that directly—or involve the care team if it’s a clinical issue.”

2) Pitfall two: secret alliances

A family member pulls you aside:
“Don’t tell anyone, but…”
Or, “You agree with me, right?”

If you accept secret alliances, you lose trust with the rest of the family and you may violate patient-centered consent.

A better response:
“I want to support you, and I also want to be fair and safe for everyone. I can’t hold secrets that affect the patient’s care or the family’s trust. Let’s think about what can be shared appropriately.”

3) Pitfall three: letting prayer become a weapon

In conflict, someone may try to use prayer to control the room:
“Let’s all pray right now,” when others don’t consent.

Your role is to protect consent:
“We can pray if the patient and family want that. Would you prefer a short prayer, or would you like quiet right now?”

Prayer should comfort, not dominate.

What helps instead: the chaplain’s boundary phrases

Here are simple phrases you can use:

  • “I want to support everyone without taking sides.”

  • “I can’t speak for the medical team, but I can help you ask your questions.”

  • “Let’s keep the focus on what the patient wants.”

  • “Would you like me to request the social worker or hospital chaplain to help with family support?”

  • “I can stay with you while you have that conversation, if you want.”

What Not to Do

Avoid these mistakes in family conflict settings:

  • Do not pass secret messages.

  • Do not validate one person’s accusations as fact.

  • Do not undermine staff or policies.

  • Do not pressure prayer, confession, or forgiveness moments.

  • Do not promise confidentiality without limits—follow safety and reporting policies.

When you avoid triangulation and secret alliances, you become a stabilizing presence. You help families stay connected enough to make decisions with dignity—without you becoming the conflict.



पिछ्ला सुधार: रविवार, 1 मार्च 2026, 7:47 PM