Video Transcript: Pitfalls: Triangulation, Secret Alliances, and Becoming the Family Messenger

🎥 Video 8B Transcript: Pitfalls: Triangulation, Secret Alliances, and Becoming the Family Messenger

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter…

In this video, we focus on common mistakes chaplains can make when families are stressed. These mistakes often come from good intentions, but they can damage trust, increase conflict, and pull you outside your role.

The first pitfall is triangulation. Triangulation happens when tension between two people gets routed through a third person. In senior care ministry, that third person may become the chaplain. One daughter says, “Can you explain to my brother that Mom is declining?” A son says, “Don’t tell my sister I said this, but she only shows up for appearances.” A spouse says, “You understand me. Tell the staff they are wrong.”

If you step into that triangle, you can quickly become part of the conflict instead of a stabilizing presence. The chaplain is not there to carry emotional messages between family members. The chaplain is not there to become a secret ally.

A second pitfall is secret-keeping in the wrong way. Confidentiality matters, but there is a difference between honoring privacy and becoming a container for divisive family strategy. If someone says, “I want you to know this, but don’t let anyone else know,” you need wisdom. Some things may be appropriately private. But if the person is trying to recruit you into conflict, you should not accept that role.

A third pitfall is becoming the family messenger. Families may want you to tell the resident something difficult, tell a sibling to visit more, tell staff that someone is upset, or carry emotional content that really belongs in a direct conversation or through proper care channels. Once that starts, your role gets blurred.

Another pitfall is giving opinions outside your lane. You are not the medical decision-maker. You are not the legal advisor. You are not the one who determines placement, treatment, capacity, or financial arrangements. Even if you have personal thoughts, your chaplain role requires restraint.

So what should you do instead?

First, gently redirect. You might say:
“It may be best for that to be discussed directly with your family member.”
“That sounds important to bring to the nurse or social worker.”
“I want to support you, but I don’t want to become the go-between.”
“I can stay with you while you think about how to say it.”

Second, keep returning to resident dignity. The resident is not a symbol in the family’s argument. The resident is a person deserving respect, consent, and careful attention.

Third, slow emotional escalation. If voices rise, you do not need to fix the whole room. But you can lower your own tone, shorten your words, and avoid adding emotional fuel.

Fourth, know your reporting and referral boundaries. If conflict creates a safety concern, neglect concern, abuse concern, or policy issue, notify the proper staff. Chaplains do not hide dangerous situations under the language of family tension.

Scripture gives wise guidance here. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (WEB). Gentleness is not weakness. It is disciplined strength in a pressured room.

What not to do:
Do not say, “I agree, your sister is the problem.”
Do not say, “Leave it with me, I’ll tell everyone.”
Do not make private promises you cannot ethically keep.
Do not become the judge of family motives.
Do not use prayer as a hidden way to shame one side.

A better way is to remain prayerful, calm, and clear. You can care deeply without being captured by the system’s anxiety.

When families are strained, your credibility depends not only on your compassion, but also on your boundaries.