🎥 Video 9B Transcript: What Not to Do: Triangulation, Side Deals, Resentment, and Hero Complexes

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter…

When families begin caring for an aging parent, conflict often grows quietly before it becomes obvious. Very rarely does resentment appear all at once. More often, it builds through unhealthy patterns that families do not address early enough.

One of the most common patterns is triangulation.

Triangulation happens when two people talk about a third person instead of talking directly with them. For example, one sister complains to another about their brother but never addresses him directly. Or a sibling talks privately with the parent to gain influence instead of bringing concerns into the open.

Triangulation creates confusion, mistrust, and emotional alliances. It makes family care harder because people stop dealing with truth directly.

Another common problem is side deals.

A side deal happens when one sibling makes private arrangements with the parent or takes on responsibilities without clearly communicating with the others. Sometimes this starts innocently. A daughter begins paying bills online. A son starts handling appointments. Another sibling starts making housing calls. But when these actions are hidden or only partially communicated, suspicion grows.

Families begin asking:
Who decided that?
Why wasn’t I told?
What else is happening behind the scenes?

Even when the intentions were good, secrecy weakens trust.

A third problem is resentment without honest limits.

One sibling often becomes the primary caregiver or organizer. At first, that person may step up willingly. But over time, they may become tired, under-supported, and bitter. Instead of naming limits early, they keep overfunctioning until they explode.

Then they say:
“No one helps.”
“I do everything.”
“You all disappeared.”

The pain may be real, but the silence that came before it made things worse.

There is also the danger of a hero complex.

A sibling with a hero complex begins to believe they are the only competent, loving, or responsible person in the family. They may carry a lot, but they also begin controlling information, rejecting input, and making decisions alone. Sometimes they secretly enjoy being needed, even while complaining about the burden.

This is not healthy burden-bearing. It is family overfunctioning.

If you are the aging parent, these dynamics can be painful. You may feel caught in the middle. You may feel pressured to side with one child over another. You may also be tempted to use one child as your “safe” person while avoiding the harder family conversations. But that can deepen division.

If you are the adult child, this topic calls for humility. Ask yourself:
Am I speaking directly and honestly?
Am I hiding information?
Am I doing too much and then resenting everyone?
Am I using concern as a way to control?

This course offers broad Christian wisdom and practical preparation, not legal or clinical family intervention. Some families may need outside help from a counselor, pastor, chaplain, mediator, or social worker. But many conflicts improve when people simply stop feeding unhealthy patterns.

Ephesians 4:25 says:

“Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak truth each one with his neighbor. For we are members one of another.” (WEB)

Family care requires truthfulness.

What Not to Do

Do not triangulate through private complaints and alliances.
Do not make side deals that affect the family without communication.
Do not carry too much in silence and then explode in resentment.
Do not act like the hero who must control everything.
Do not keep the parent stuck in the middle of sibling conflict.

Instead, aim for direct communication, shared clarity, and honest limits that preserve both love and sanity.