Video Transcript: Paradigms for Helping

Welcome back to mental health integration. We are in week 10 part two,  paradigms for healing. I'm excited to be back with you. In this section, we are  going to be talking about how to help other people. Last section, we talked a  little bit about the things that get in the way, and how we can actually throw  shame on somebody. In this section, we're going to be talking about how we can be there and the barriers that get in the way and how we overcome those  barriers. So are you ready? Let's jump in one of the issues with trying to support  someone is we often believe, the barrier to a person's wellness is knowledge.  We believe, if they know more, they will do the right things, and all they all they  need is for us to fill their head with knowledge. When they get enough in their  head, then suddenly they will be able to step forward in right belief and move  where they need to move. But that's not quite how it works. Instead, it often  ends up looking like this, someone who's standing everyone around her, saying  all sorts of things. We explain about what the Bible says, about getting well,  about getting help, about getting a team in place, about keeping a positive  attitude, about diet, nutrition, about self care, about abusive relationships, meds, keeping at work and grades the implications of self care, and we place a  different expectation than before on this person. We don't place the expectation  of you are clearly wrong and you're clearly bad because you're not doing  something. Instead, what we say is believe all these things, and it will be better.  Cram all these things in your head, and it will be better. Believe these things, do  these things, and it will be better. There's a big problem with this, though, it's the  big problem that we talked a little bit about last time, which is, do they have the  capacity last time? We spent a lot of time talking about stress tolerances  window. People can hear what's in that stress tolerance window, but if they're  already above their stress tolerance window, you're trying to give them  information here when they can handle what's here. Because of the stress  tolerance window, you can actually hurt somebody, because you'll keep  judgment or shame on them. What's interesting is, when we look at somebody  who's going through something like this, when we believe these things, and  they'll be right, do all of these things, and that's going to be right, we have the  same basic problem that we did when someone's already existing with a mental  health condition, and that is, everything is linked to capacity. Can you do  enough? Can you be enough? Do you have the capacity to do all of this on top  of everything else you were already trying to do? And the answer is, No, you  don't. You are already maxed. Your Capacity is above what you can handle.  That's the reason that your capacity is shrinking. It's because you couldn't  handle everything that you were doing before, on top of life. Now, all of a  sudden, you're trying to do a mental illness on top of all these things. It's too  much. So the capacity, in some cases, shrunk. So what else do you do? Well, if  you ask someone, why don't you just do this? Why don't you just be this? Why  don't you just understand this? Why don't you believe this? If you do all these 

things, it will get better, and all they hear is shame. It's not good. Instead, they  can feel silenced. They can feel alone. They can feel like nobody hears them.  They can feel like they are all alone, and in that, they can feel like silence is  violence, because they've been left to their own devices. They've been left in a  place where they cannot succeed because of that, a place where they are  ultimately sitting alone, just waiting for everything to fall apart. So with that said,  what do you do? What on earth can you do? You can't just tell someone the right things. You can't tell them to believe the right things. So what can you do? Well,  we're going to go back to II Corinthians 1 and talk about and see what Paul  says. Paul says, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the  Father of all compassion and the God of. All comfort who comforts us in our  troubles, so that we can be comfort to any in any trouble, with the comfort we  ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, is for  your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort which  produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our  hope for you is firm because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. It continues. We do not want you to be  uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the  province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to  endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the  life sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves,  but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such deadly peril,  and He will deliver us again on him, we have set our hope that he will continue  to deliver us as you help us by your prayers, then many will give thanks on our  behalf for the gracious favor granted in answers the prayers of many. So what  does Paul do in this space where there needs to be comfort? In some ways, he  offers his own sufferings and his own afflictions, and says, May the God of all  comfort comfort you, just as He comforted us. So what do we do about these  knowledge barriers? This is a big question, right? What do we do about them?  How are we going to get rid of these things? What are we going to do? Because we can't just barrel through them. We're just loading shame on top of people  when we do what we can do is listen. Now I love this picture because it has Big  ears, because it fits how we should think about this. Have your ears out and  tuned to what people are hearing or what people are saying. Rather, what you  need to know is that their knowledge gap might not be a knowledge gap at all.  There might be something else going on, and unless you're listening to find out  what is the basis of that gap. You won't actually get to the bottom of it. But if you  listen carefully to their story, if you listen carefully to what's going on with them, if you help them see by just watching and helping them understand the narrative  that they're telling you, you might be able to see some things. And one of the  things we often see is that knowledge barriers are about belief. Knowledge 

barriers often have nothing to do with the thing that is in question. When you're  saying, why don't you go see a therapist? It's not a question of, is the therapist  good? It's a question that's different than that. It's often not a question of, can I  actually do self care? It's a question that's different than that. It's often not a  

question of medications or seeing doctors or doing the work to get well. Often,  there's beliefs behind those things that are actually impacting whether someone  moves into that space or doesn't move into that space. And those are the  questions we really have to listen for, because that's actually what's causing  somebody to get hung up. So what does that look like? Those could be  questions like, am I worth the work? Am I good enough? Can I make it through  all of this? How do I do this? On top of everything else I was doing, am I going to lose my job? How am I going to take care of my family? Am I defective? Is this  all there is to my life from here on out? These are really big questions, and  they're not questions of, can you see a therapist? They're questions of, I'm  wrestling with the very nature and the fabric of my life right now, and I don't  know how it works, and I need to know how it works so that I can engage my life and engage the healing that I need to engage. So in this space, we have to pull  back a little bit and say, Okay, why aren't you seeing your therapist? Why aren't  you taking your meds? Why aren't you exercising or doing self care? What are  you feeling right now, not just the depression, but what else are you feeling?  What expectations are you feeling? What are the things that are overwhelming  you? What are you afraid of and as we begin to name those things and they  become concrete, we can actually start to work through them and see what the  answers to those things are. But can you imagine being in a spot where you're  depressed and you're broken and you're anxious and you're worried about  losing your job, and you don't know how you're going to pay your bills, and now  you're getting all of these extra. Expenses because you need to see a therapist  and psychiatrist, and now you're slowing down saying I'm going to lose my job,  and if I do, I can't pay for anything. If I can't pay for anything, I can't get better.  And if I can't get better, I can't get another job. And if I can't get another job, I  can never get better. You see how this is instantly hopeless based on one belief, and there's a lot of them here. Am I worth the work? A lot of people believed they weren't worth the work when I was working with them, and so struggling to  engage the work itself, just from a perspective of, Am I worth it? Was incredibly  difficult. The second question, am I good enough? We've talked about this at  length. We're not falling apart. How do you help someone reintegrate into that  space? Can I make it through all of this once again, this is that rock and that  river that's being worn away. We don't know how long this process is going to  last. We don't know if it's going to be about some breakthrough in therapy or  some breakthrough in meds, or all of the above with self care and everything  else included. We don't know how this is going to work out. It could be that it  takes three months and they are put back together, and they are great this could

be three years that they're struggling every day to do anything. And so the  question, can you hold out that long? One, we don't know how long it is that you  have to hold out. And two, we don't know what the process of holding out is  going to be. How can I do this on top of everything else, especially this came  across with parents, because you have all these obligations with kids and with  family and with job and how you pay for things, houses and mortgages and bills. And we built this life and now it's not sustainable. How are we going to hold this? How am I going to take care of my family? That's the big question. And then is  this all there is to my life from here on out, it's really easy, after being a river rock for a while and being worn down by that stream to just say, I don't know if there's anything more than this. What's interesting is, were any of those problems?  Were any of those questions about necessarily seeing a therapist or seeing a  psychiatrist? No, they're not, but they're the things dominating people's minds  and thus their behavior, this frantic movement to try and make sure that  everything is covered that oftentimes fails to take care of the one thing that it  needs to which is, how do I take care of myself so that I can get better?  Because me doing this frantic movement to try and make sure everything is  covered is not actually helping me. I'm not actually progressing or moving  forward. I am just not dropping the ball. And the harder my mental health  struggle gets, the less like I am to be able to keep up all of this? How am I going to pay my bills? What something happens to me? What if? What if? What if  these questions keep rolling and keep coming, because there's always another  reason to question. And so your job is pretty simple in this space, your job is to  listen, right? Look at those big ears. Your job is to listen so that you can hear  them and you can help them know that they are good and they are enough. Like the app line, people don't know how much you care. People don't know how  much you know until they know how much you care. Your job, when you start  with something, when you start with somebody, like when Eugenia was  diagnosed with clinical depression and then she was going through her hard  time. My first job is just to care, nothing else. I don't need to help her do  anything. I don't need to solve problems. I need to care. Then I might have an  immediate need. I need a therapist. Okay, I can take care of that immediate  need. I need to care. I need to be there with her, and I need to listen. I don't  need to say anything. I don't need to give her advice. All that she needed to hear from me was I get it. Unfortunately, the suicidal thing I understand I've been  there, and when we do that, listening gives dignity to another person. This is  really important, the person that you are sitting with, no matter who it is, whether it's your mom, your daughter, your spouse, a friend, whoever it is, they feel like  their world is coming apart, and they feel like they're not a real person in some  ways anymore. They feel separated from themselves. But when you sit with that  person, and you listen to their story, and you do not judge, because if you judge, that ruins all of this. When you do not judge, it sets them up where they can 

listen and know that you value them as a person, that you still see them as that  Genesis 1-2, they are still an image bearer, that you still see them in Ephesians,  where God says you are my adopted sons and daughters. You still see them in  Isaiah 61 but you still see that part of them that is valuable and good, not just  the twisted and broken parts, but the value and good that's underneath and that  lends dignity to a person, not just because they see that you care, but because  you actually see them as someone who matters. Now there are other things that are going to come up. There are other things that you have to get through, but if  you can do this one thing, everything else will get so much simpler, listen and  give them the dignity of being human. I remember hearing story after story of  people who said, I feel like you heard me and in your homework. The video from Andrew Solomon. He clearly states that. So if you didn't watch that yet, go watch it. So what are some of the other barriers that you need to know the person  you're talking to? They do not know what they need to get better. You walk  through and they're like, I just need to. I just need to muscle up and make it.  You're like, No, you don't. You're trying that. Is it working? How does this result?  Is it great? Or is it not great? Because it looks not great. Sometimes people just  don't know what they don't know, and sometimes they don't know what they  need in order to get better. So what do you do in that in that case, one ask the  question, Are you the right voice to tell them? Just because you have the power  does not mean you have the permission. Anyone who's married will understand  this instantly, or anyone who has kids, sometimes you will be the person who  says the same thing over and over and over and over and over again, and then  anyone else will tell your spouse or your kids the same thing, and will go, ah,  that's brilliant. I have never thought of it that way. And you will just put your palm  on your forehead, because you've said this a dozen times, just because your  power, you have the power doesn't need information. It could be that you are  going to set this person off because you're too close to them. It could be that  they just can't hear it from you. It could be that they need another voice with  credit more credibility than yours to say the same thing, whatever the reason. It  doesn't matter, just because you have the power doesn't mean you have the  permission. So ask the question, Are you the right voice to say this, you might  know everything that needs to happen. That's great. You might also know who  the voice is that they need to hear it from, and that's great too. That said that  does not mean you don't have the permission. Oftentimes, I have found that  people will turn to me and say, Brandon, I need you to say this, because they'll  listen to you, in which case they're handing me the permission and saying you  need to do this. It could be that you're a friend or a family member, that when  you're one step further removed, right and you're the right person to say this.  Great. Go say it. This is love made manifest. So do it. Tell the truth. And if you  don't have the permission, if this is not the right space for you, that's okay. Make  sure you know who it is the right space for make sure they follow through so 

they're not doing what they need to do in order to improve. Uh oh, you've got a  bad case of somebody's not actually doing the right thing. Now there's a  bummer part of this. That bummer part is who is in charge of their life. This is  about the dignity of choice, even if you know all the right answers. You know  what to do. You know how to like work this thing through. You know how it needs to turn out. That does not mean that you get to control another person's  decisions. When you're a parent, you have some ability to direct your kids, but  with adults, man, you just wish you did sometimes, because you don't, they're  their own person. They make their own decisions. They move their own way.  And because of that, you don't have the ability just to say you must do this, and  they will exactly do what you say. Instead, they're going to make their own  decisions, and you can help them push in the right direction. You can find them  the resources they need. You can give them the nudge, but ultimately, they  make their own choices, and it's your job to give them the dignity of their own  choice. We used to talk about the dignity of choice a lot, especially when people  were building their support networks for caregivers, because a lot of people  would put a name down. This is the person I want to support me. And then they  would basically do one of two things. One is they would say, No, that person's  too busy. They'll never actually support me, and they would cross the name off  the list. Or the second is they wouldn't tell that person that they were counting  on that person, and they would just expect them to show up perfectly when they  needed them. And both of those things just go so horribly wrong when you're  dealing with any other person, you need to give them the dignity of their own  choice. They have the right to say yes. They have the right to say no. You do not to get to say no. For them, you do not to get to say yes for them, they make their decisions. So that being said, when you're talking to another person, you are  horribly frustrated because they just won't do the right thing. You're not  responsible for their decisions. That is their choice, and I understand it doesn't  feel good, but it does not change that that is theirs and not yours. What happens when you run into an expert and they say they just need to do this. They just  need to do this one thing. They just need to call this therapist. They just need to  stay on their meds. They just need to take the pills every day. They just need to  exercise so that they can actually sleep, so that their meds will work. They need  to stop drinking 17 cokes a day. They need to stop drinking coffee like it's going  out of style. What are they doing? You are not in control. This is one of the  hardest things as a supporter, is you have to let go of control, even when you so badly want to control everything. We talked about this posture earlier in this  class, the posture of receiving, well, in a Quaker prayer, receive and release.  The second part of this is put your hands down and let the things that you are  holding that you need to let go of fall. I release these things, and in this case,  you have to let go of control. Now my guess is that the person that you're talking to is probably aware that you know what they need to do and that they're not 

doing it. My guess is you've probably told them at least once or twice. If you  haven't told them, maybe you should. If you have the permission, you should  definitely say it. It's better than getting frustrated on your own because you  haven't, that's for sure. But if they're not doing it, and you've told them, and you  don't have the power to change it, you're not in control. You have to release. I  know it's hard, because in some ways, it feels like letting. Go of someone you  love because you desperately want them to get better, and you are grabbing on  so tight to the hopes that they can and why aren't they taking it as seriously as  you are? And I know it feels like mourning them because you're having to let go,  but I will tell you that trying to control the situation will burn you out and hurt you. There's a statement in counseling, you should never outwork your clients. I find  this really helpful in this space, especially when we're talking about control, and  especially when you're talking about helping somebody move into a space that  they're not moving into, and that is, I am willing, when I'm walking with  somebody in a mental health crisis, to do as much work as they're willing to do.  If they're willing to give 100% then I will give 100% and I will help in every way I  can. But if they're fooling around with this thing and they're willing to give 15% if  I am willing to give 100% and they're willing to give 15 there's this huge  mismatch. And will actually happen is with that mismatch, I will build resentment  against them because I'm giving it all and they're not. I become the martyr in this face, and I resent them for it, and then they resent me for trying to control them.  So that turns out great, doesn't it, we both resent each other, and the crisis still  exists exactly as it did before. Yay. No, that's terrible. Instead, we have to  release control, not outwork the people that we're talking to, and know that as  much as they might want our help, we can only give the help to the level that  they're willing to receive and act on it. That's it. If you can do that, you can set a  really healthy boundary to help you move forward. Another thing that you can do is educate yourself, be patient, listen empathically. There's a second level of  education that is really helpful. In this case, the first level is to know what to do.  It's how to know how to find the right therapist, how to find the right psychiatrist,  how to do all those things. We'll also talk about most of those resources next  week when we talk about churches and what they can do to help somebody with a mental health issue, the other thing that you can do is you can listen to stories  and educate yourself on what it feels like, what's going on inside their head,  what they're going through. You can also read stories of friends and family  members that have gone through the same sort of disorder, because in that you  can discover what it is that they're feeling, what it is that you're going through,  and you can find someone that understands you. And when that happens, you  can begin to have a lot more empathy, because you understand more what the  person that you love is going through, and you feel validated because there's  somebody who understands what you're going through as well. We can go  through that level of knowledge and understanding, there's just so much more 

hope, because you understand the situation more fully. And in top of going and  understanding the situation more fully, you are being validated, and you are  more eligible to validate the other person. This isn't just about knowledge. This is about the presence that you bring into the room. You become a presence of  healing, instead of a presence of judgment, because you understand. So  educate yourself and listen and be patient, you can't control the situation, but  you can control how much you know and your disposition towards how you're  going to act in that space. So do the work to do that? Well, what do you do when they don't think they can make it? This happens all the time, right? This is Robin  Williams' 10,000th day. This is the person who is losing hope. That slow, slow  loss of hope. What do you do? Well, Father Richard Rohr is a Catholic priest in  New Mexico, and he has something he talks about called Father energy. And the way he talks about it is really beautiful. He says, Father energy is that we  believe in someone until they can believe for themselves. It's that we have the.  Ability as people to help someone else when someone has no hope, we can  literally hold hope in our hands, and we can hold it for somebody until they're  willing and able to hold it for themselves. The way I used to say it as I will  believe and hope for you until you can hold it your own, on your own. And when  we do that, they still feel like there's a lot of love and power that they feel coming out of that. And as well, because there's this hope being held here, when they're ready, they know they can take it for themselves. This is also the same energy  that allows you to do things you didn't know you could do, that allows you to play sports in ways you didn't know that you could do, or build things the way that  you didn't know you could do, get the job that you didn't know you could do, get  in the school that you didn't know you could get into, it allows you to move into  all of those spaces because you have someone who believes in you, and when  you have someone who believes in you, you can do things that you otherwise  could not do. So if someone's losing that battle with hope. Hope for them. You  can't give them hope, but you can hope on their behalf, and you can tell them  that you're hoping for them and that you don't expect them to hope on their own. That's a statement free of judgment and full of love, and if there's anything that  somebody wants when they're going through a mental health condition, it's to be in a space where they are met with love free of judgment, and where that love  free of judgment pushes them towards healing. Is it hard being a supporter? You bet it's hard. It's so hard. It's crazy. I told you, it's just as hard as going through a  mental health issue. Yeah, it's really hard, super hard. Is it frustrating? Yes, it's  often frustrating when you tell your spouse that they need to see a therapist and  they're like No, when you try to get someone help and they say no, when you  work your butt off and they say no, yeah, it's frustrating when you have all the  right answers and you're not able to help in any way, shape or form. It's  frustrating but does that mean you're not doing a good job or not doing the thing  you need to? No. The other thing about this is their problems will bring out your 

problems. We've talked about how when someone is in the middle of a mental  health crisis, everyone else orbits around them. Well, welcome to the mental  health crisis. You are now in orbit around them and all of these things, these  hard pieces, these frustrating pieces, these are triggers to make sure that your  worst self comes out in the most important moments, because you will be so  anxious and tired and broken and frustrated. So how do you bring your best self  forward when you have been doing everything and you are getting nothing  back? Right, their problems will bring out your problems, your frustrations, with  whatever it is, with your job, with anything, they'll rise to the surface. Your  trauma straight up to the surface, your control issues straight up to the surface.  Everything that you're dealing with right now will begin to rise in this situation  and will come to a point where you need to deal with it. So as a supporter, your  issue is not only this person who you're trying to help, but now your own self,  because you're going to have to deal with your own stuff in order to be sane  enough to help them. Now remind you, we all build our life around our capacity,  right? You did, too. You may have had a little bit of margin around the outside,  but you did not have the capacity to take all of this other stress on and stay  intact exactly the way you were. Your Capacity is also going to be diminished a  little bit because you're helping out in so many other ways. You are doing more,  and it's going to cost you something, and you're going to have to do some work.  There's no way around it. You get to do the work on yourself to make sure you  can be a good support. I put up. Please forgive me, because as a supporter,  you're not going to do it perfectly. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to say unloving things, and he doesn't mean to you're going to say loving things  that are taken wrong. You're going to try to care, and it's going to come out  crooked. You're going to do your best, and unfortunately, you're going to learn  how to do the right thing by doing the wrong thing. But if you if you show up  every day in love, without judgment, you can be a really good support person.  You can help in really beautiful ways. Next week, we're going to talk about or in  the next section, rather, we're going to talk about resourcing, and I'm going to  take a few minutes to talk about how you can help yourself. This is just as  important as any other space. I will see you then.