Video Transcript: Resourcing

Welcome back to mental health integration, week 10, part three resourcing. Now in the last section, we talked about how you can support someone with a mental health issue, and the last thing that we really brought up is this idea that their  stuff is going to trigger your stuff, and you're going to need some tools. So let's  jump into that, because suddenly, suddenly, you are the barrier. What you need  to know is that supporting someone else is going to cost you something. You  need your own tools. So what are those tools and why do you need them? First  off, the person you're supporting, you're in orbit around them. We talked a little  bit about that. Last time everyone orbits around the sick person, not everyone  who's orbiting is helping. In this picture, there are a lot a lot of stars, and that's  the same way when a person is often suffering. There's a lot of people in orbit  around them in one way or another, but a lot of them aren’t unhelpful, right? A lot of them are actually casting blame, blowing the person up, complaining, being  needy. In some cases, they started as supportive, just like Job's friends, and  now they've somehow devolved into being incredibly unhelpful. Whatever it is,  there's a lot of space for somebody to be really helpful and a lot of space for  somebody to be really unhelpful. So what do we do? How do we get our tool  built, tool belt in place so that we can be as helpful as possible through this  process. First, what you need to know is that you need to find or build a support  network for yourself. You need to see somebody on a regular basis who's just a  friend, just for the sake of being friends, you need somebody who is not part of  this problem, who you can decompress with, who you can laugh with, who you  can just be with. You need to drink coffee, if you like drinking coffee. You need to hang out. You need to go, what if, go fishing. Whatever you need to do with this  person. You know what you do with your friends? You need to go be a friend  sometimes, because if you just keep orbiting around this person, you will go a  little bit mad, and if you're going a little bit mad, you are no longer helping very  much. Instead, do your best to be your healthiest person. This does not mean  that you need to go sideline the person that you're helping and say, You know  what? For self care, I need all of my time to myself. It does not mean that at all,  but it does mean you need to start taking a little bit of time to be with your  friends and to be with the people who care about you, so that you can just be  yourself now that you've got someone that you were, that you can be with to be  yourself. What else do you need to do? Secondly, you might need to get  therapy. Okay, this is a hard thing to go through. You are going through the worst part of somebody's life they are, in many ways, their worst person. To you, your  stuff is being triggered because the deal this digs up all of your stuff and starts  throwing it about it's a great time to get some therapy and start working through  some of your stuff. The one of the things I used to tell families on a regular basis is whatever you think the person doing with mental health issues needs to do,  whatever you know your catalog of things that they need to do is look at that and you probably need to do about the same things for yourself. So yeah, do you 

need therapy? Probably, if for nothing else, that this is kind of a traumatic  experience, you need to be able to process it with somebody who understands  what mental health issues are like and how they function and what they feel like, so that you can know that you're not going crazy too. And if you do that, if you  take care of yourself and build these spaces in with yourself, you can be a much more helpful caregiver, and you can just be a much healthier person, because  the goal isn't just for you to help this person. You do not simply exist as a  surrogate for their mental health. You exist as. A person with your own meaning,  purpose and belonging. You are an image bearer. You are good and this, this  problem should not cost you your life too. In the process of helping and being,  being the best person around, the Best Supporter you can, you will also just be  the best person you can. How else do you do that? Practice self care? We had  all those guidelines earlier in the course about self care, about eating and  sleeping and exercising and doing our best around all these things. And we had  all those things about habits, how building those habits creates forward  momentum, where we keep getting better. Guess what you might need to do.  Some of those things you might need to exercise. It burns off cortisol, which is a  stress hormone that your body releases, that is only for the most part, burned off by exercise, you might have some extra cortisol that you need to burn off. You  might have trouble sleeping, so you might need to do some work to try and  make sure that you can sleep better, because it's stressful. You might need to  eat well so that your body feels a little bit better, whatever self care looks like for  you, make sure that you do that a little bit. I play drums. That's one of the things  I do for self care, right? We talked about that in my story, that nothing relieves  more stress than hitting things with sticks for long periods of time. Whatever self  care looks like for you, you know it. The second part about self care that you  must take into account is that sometimes we think things are self care that are  actually addictions. The number of especially 20s boys that I've met that play  video games for self care when they can't stop and the rest of their life is falling  apart in their apart and they're having failure to thrive is pretty phenomenal.  Sometimes you need to do something for half an hour for self care, and then go  back to the rest of your life, instead of doing it for 15 hours and then forgetting  the rest of your life. Self care means you do something to take care of yourself  for a period of time so that you can be refreshed for the rest of your life. It does  not mean that you lose your life because of that thing. As a final note on self  care, you might also need to find purpose and belonging in the reason that  you're caring for somebody. You might have to spend so many hours with  somebody that not having the purpose and meaning behind it, not loving that  work, will make that too much. So you might have to attach meaning and  purpose to the very thing that you're doing. You might have to say, this is  because I love this person. This is because I care about this person. This is  because of something like that. Because if it's not connected to that, it'll burn 

you out. That in itself, that meaning making is self care. Finally, you cannot help  someone else. If you need taken care of, you might be able to be a little bit of  help, but you're definitely not going to be the kind of help they could use. Okay,  orbiting around when everybody's orbiting around like that, you can be a huge  help, but if you are not healthy to take care of yourself, you can actually walk  into somebody's life and be a burden instead of a help so take care of yourself,  make sure that you can actually show up and be present and help. And that  means not that you need to, like, lay yourself down and be a martyr. It doesn't  mean that you need to do everything perfectly. Means that you need to go and  have some fun, and you need to take care of yourself and maybe see a  therapist so you can decompress, practice self care. We also talked last time  about how their problems are bringing out your problems and because of the  need for self care, often, being a helpful supporter will feel selfish. I wish there  was a way around this, but there's not. Being a helpful supporter means you will  need to take care of yourself in some ways, which means you will not always be  present for the person who is going through a mental health crisis. You're going  to have to set some boundaries. You're going to have to say this, this part over  here, this is my time. This is not your time. You do not get access to this time.  This is so I can stay healthy and care for you, and this over here, also my time.  This is where I get therapy, and this is where I exercise. This is where I see my  friends and become a real person. You get all of this. You do not get these. And  in that you can help take care of somebody and still set a boundary so that you  can care for yourself. When you set those boundaries, at first, at first, it will  seem very selfish, because you are saying this portion of your life is completely  off limits to that person. But long term, those boundaries are what keep you  sane enough to be in that fight. So that's not selfish at all. Something that I've  had to come to terms with is that me going for a run in the morning, taking that  time away from my family makes me a better dad. So is it selfish for me to go for a run? No, because I'm a better dad when I do is it selfish for me to take the  time off to go see a therapist? No, I'm a better husband, a better father, a better  everything when I do that, would it be selfish for me to just go in my basement  and play drums all week, next week for 40 hours, and ignore the rest of my life  responsibilities? Yes, that would be selfish. But these elements of self care.  These elements of I'm going to take care of myself so that I can stay healthy and not get burned out by this process, those are not selfish at all. Finally, one of the  things that you need to most is play. You need to go and do things that bring you life. I live in Colorado. So in Colorado, when people play, they go, you know,  they go hiking, they go skiing, they go play in the mountains. But wherever you  are, play is going to look a little bit different. Whatever play looks like to you  might be a little bit different. Go play. The second side of this is not all of your  play needs to happen so that you can care for somebody with mental health  issues, right? I played in bands when I was going through my own bipolar 

journey. I didn't stop playing in bands. I kept playing in bands. There was an  element of play there. And for a while, it didn't matter that I had bipolar disorder,  because I was just a drummer. So go play, whatever that looks like for you. You  want to go play a game. You want to go whatever it is. Go play. Finally, you  might need to build the resource list for the person you're supporting. And those  resources are not just going to be you. You are not the only person who gets to  help them stay together. It is going to take some other people for them to stay  together. So in that it is helpful to build out psychiatric resources. Who is their  team? They're going to need a psychiatrist or a doctor or psychiatric nurse.  They're going to need somebody to help with pills, who's on that part of their  team? They're going to need therapeutic resources. They're going to need a  counselor of some sort, most likely. So who is that resource? They're going to  need community resources. They might need like my friend Justin runs a  nonprofit called project helping that invites people into volunteer opportunities  when they have depressive episodes. That's a really cool place. They might  need some other community activities, like a drop in center or something like  that. Whatever they need. They might need volunteering resources. They might  need self care resources. They might need to know if there are retreats available or whatever there is, right? You name it. There are all sorts of resources for all of these things, all sorts of different types. They also probably need Invitations to  play, to just do something together, right? Not just to be. Together, because in  that case, they can get caught in this cycle of ruminating around their own pain,  but they need to do something. Go build a garden together. Go do something.  Working with your hands when you have depression is really, really important.  The reason it's important is because you work things out through your body  when you're depressed a lot of the time. So you need to, you need to do things.  Finally, the right things are often hard things, the things you need to lean into  most through this process are often incredibly difficult. And I wish it could be  easier. I wish it could get simpler, but it won't. The hard things are often the most important things, and you have to lean into them and it's important to know that  your relationship is in the midst of the struggle. You don't stop being a friend or a family member or any of those things, because this stuff is going on. Your  relationship is still ongoing. It's not like you had it and now it's different, and then it will be back. It's ongoing, it's continuous. So who you were to them is still who  you were. I didn't stop being Eugenia's husband when she was going through  her stuff, I mentioned a family member earlier in this I didn't stop being a family  member. I was just a family member. My friend, Adam, died of suicide. I didn't  stop being Adam's friend until he passed, and then I just couldn't be anymore  that relationship who I was to them. It's still who I am to them. So as you're  walking through this with people, know that that relationship doesn't change. You are no longer. You aren't just like their caretaker. You weren't their case  manager. You are whatever you were. You are their friend, you are their 

confidant, you are their spouse, you are their mom, you are their dad, you are  their son or daughter. Whoever you were, you still are. So just be that, and then  do your work. What you need to know about this is what you do matters.  Sometimes it can feel like what you do doesn't matter, but it does. My parents  showed up every day for me in ways that were incredible. In some ways they  were too incredible. Because I think it just about took my parents out because I  needed more support than they could give. But I can confidently say that if  they're not in my life when I'm 14 to 16 years old, I'm not talking to you on this  camera. I don't exist anymore. I can also confidently tell you that in 2009 and  2010 when Eugenia was going through her hardest times, if I wasn't there, I  don't think she'd be here. And I know a number of individuals who would say the same thing about others. This is the person that made the difference. This is the  person that they made it possible. They're the reason I'm still here that matters  so much. One of the big challenges with being a caretaker, is being able to keep enough of yourself that you can outlast this is a long game. This is not a short  game. This is going to take some time, most likely, and that time is going to wear you down. This isn't just a marathon. This is a marathon of marathons. This is  one after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, and  you don't know when you get to stop running, and you don't know how much  you have, how much resilience you have to run the first one. So I can tell you  constantly, take care of yourself. Do your best. They need you, even if they don't say so. They don't just need you. They need you to be you, whatever that  means for them. So be you and take care of yourself so you can there's a few  final notes I want to give this week about suicide. We talked about suicide  prevention in week two, and we talked about how to do a suicide intervention.  We talked about how you need to talk to the person ask, are you thinking about  committing suicide. Are you thinking about dying? Then we talked about how  they build out a plan, and how we need to ask about that. Do you have a plan?  Do you have a timetable? Do you have the means to complete your plan? Then  we talked about how they might need mental health resources. They might need to go to a hospital in order to do a mental health hold to basically wait until that  suicidal ideation period is over, until they can be released, just so they can stay  safe. But on the note of suicide, a number of comments have been made  recently. What do I do when my friend has attempted suicide, when my family  members attempted suicide. If you remember from week two, there are a lot of  attempts per actual suicide. There are 1.2 million attempts. Last year, there were about 50, between 40 and 50,000 suicides, right? There's a suicide about for  every 25 attempts. So what do we do when someone attempts? How do we be  a decent like friend or family member to them? The first thing I have to say is  you need to be yourself, whoever you were, that's still who you are, right? That's that continuous relationship. You were who you are. The second thing I would  say is sometimes you need to watch out for warning signs. In my friend Adam’s 

case, it was almost always relationships that put in their hard place, and that  started a spiral, and that ended with an attempt, until the last time, when it  ended with a Suicide. You also have the ability to tell the truth, and sometimes  this means taking a risk. I have risked my friendships with a number of people  because I would rather see them alive and know that I did what I can, but that  they never want to see me again, then me not see them again. Part of that is  just how I'm wired. Part of that is that I have lost numerous people in my life to  suicide, and I really don't feel like losing anybody else. And so if I need to risk  that relationship, I will sometimes you need to say, hey, this relationship, this is  going to end badly, and I really care about you as a person, and I don't want it to end badly. I want you to stay alive, and I'm really worried about you, and I'm  scared. And you may be in a position where you have the power and you have  the presence to be able to say those things. You may have the permission, you  may also need to say, I see that things are going sideways. Last time things  went sideways, this is how what happened. What do we need to do to make  sure that's not the case this time? You do have power to make a difference  when someone is considering that, but just like we talked about in week two,  you still do not have the power to control their actions. You may be able to check someone in to a mental health hospital or help them do a mental health hold for  72 hours until they can feel better. But that doesn't mean that long term, you can save somebody we always want to, but in the end, they still have the dignity of  their choices, even if those choices are exactly counter to everything that you  want in their life. So release the expectation that you need to do things perfectly  you don't, but also know that you have the power to show up, and you have the  permission and the authority, in many cases, to say things that need to be said  in order to help that person, so long as you say them in love without judgment,  you can make a big difference here. Finally, the last thing I'll say is, if someone  you know is in that space and you're worried because just like Eugenia, they're  on that edge, and you just don't know what they're going to do. The research is  pretty clear that if there's means available, readily available, that are easy, that  are very, very efficient, that's not a good thing. So if you need to say, hey, we  would it be okay if we asked, you know, one of our friends, to take your firearms  for the next couple weeks, you're gonna look like you're going through a really  hard time. And I trust you, I'm not saying we're taking you away for good, but I  want you to be safe. I want you to be alive after the next couple weeks. If you  need to say something like that, I want you to feel the permission to do it, as  long as you do it in love when you because you genuinely care about this  person, and you are generally trying, and you are genuinely trying to love them  and keep them alive, so that they can experience the life in Jesus that you know they can have, so that they can thrive, so they can experience complete health  and Healing towards the abundance of shalom, absolutely, please say it. This is  a heavy note to end on, but I think it needs to be said because I've had a few of 

those conversations. I know there's at least two people, probably more than two, no, there's definitely more than two people who are still alive just because of  those conversations I've had. I don't know the number anymore, but at least four came to mind immediately. So there's a number of people who are still alive just  because of those. So I will have those conversations with somebody you can  too, just care for them. I will.