Video Transcript: Pitfalls: Triangulation, Secret Alliances, and Becoming the Messenger

🎥 Video 8B Transcript: Pitfalls: Triangulation, Secret Alliances, and Becoming the Messenger

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In family crisis ministry, some of the biggest chaplain mistakes do not begin with bad intentions. They begin with a desire to help. You want to calm things down, support the hurting person, and reduce confusion. But if you are not careful, you can get pulled into unhealthy patterns that actually make the family crisis worse.

Three of the biggest dangers are triangulation, secret alliances, and becoming the messenger.

First, triangulation.

Triangulation happens when tension between two people gets redirected through a third person. In crisis settings, that third person may become the chaplain.

One family member may say,
“Can you tell my brother he needs to stop upsetting Mom?”
Or,
“Please explain to my sister that we should not leave yet.”

This may sound small, but it is not small. Once you begin carrying private conflict messages between family members, you are no longer simply offering spiritual care. You are being drawn into the family’s emotional triangle.

That is dangerous because triangles often increase confusion, resentment, and emotional pressure. The chaplain can quickly become part of the instability instead of a calm presence beside it.

Second, secret alliances.

This happens when one person tries to recruit the chaplain to their side of the story. They may speak quietly to you away from others and say things like,
“Between us, she always overreacts,”
or,
“You can see I’m the only one thinking clearly,”
or,
“I need you on my side.”

When this happens, the chaplain must be very careful. Even if the person sounds reasonable, a private alliance can damage trust with the rest of the family.

Your role is not to become one person’s spiritual backup against the others. Your role is to serve with fairness, dignity, and clear boundaries.

Third, becoming the messenger.

In high-pressure family settings, people are tired and emotionally overloaded. It may feel easier for them to send messages through you.

They may say,
“Can you tell Dad we are leaving?”
“Can you let my aunt know she needs to stop saying that?”
Or,
“Go tell them I’m not changing my mind.”

This is a common trap. Once the chaplain becomes the family courier, conflict often increases. Words get distorted. Emotions rise. And the chaplain may get blamed by multiple sides.

Here is the key lesson:
The chaplain is not the family go-between.

So what should you do instead?

When someone tries to pull you into triangulation, answer gently and directly.

You might say,
“It would be better for you to say that to them directly.”
Or,
“I want to support this family well, but I do not want to carry private conflict messages.”

Sometimes a helpful alternative is:
“I can stay present while you talk, if that would help.”

That allows you to remain a calming presence without becoming the carrier of the conflict.

When someone tries to create a secret alliance, respond with calm fairness.

You might say,
“I hear that this is very frustrating for you. I also want to stay in a place where I can care well for everyone involved.”

That shows empathy without taking sides.

When someone wants you to become the messenger, keep your boundary clear.

A simple phrase like,
“I think that is best said directly,”
is often enough.

Now, if safety is at risk, that is different. If someone is in danger, follow proper protocol. But do not confuse ordinary family tension with a need for you to carry emotional messages.

There is also a spiritual danger here. Chaplains can begin to feel important when trusted with private information. But mature chaplaincy resists that pull.

You are not there to become central.
You are there to serve wisely.

So here is what not to do:

Do not repeat one person’s version of events as if it is settled fact.
Do not tell one family member what another “really meant.”
Do not pressure reconciliation in the middle of acute crisis.
Do not act like you can fix the whole family system.
Do not confuse compassion with over-involvement.

Instead, stay grounded.
Stay fair.
Encourage direct speech when appropriate.
Protect trust.
Keep your role clear.
And let your presence bring calm, not more confusion.

Families in crisis need many things. But from the chaplain, they especially need someone who does not become another layer of tension.

That is your ministry.

Do not triangle.
Do not form secret alliances.
Do not become the messenger.

Stay grounded, stay fair, and serve the family with calm presence, clear boundaries, and humble wisdom.