🎥 Video 4B Transcript: What Not to Do: Gossip, Side-Taking, and Becoming the Spiritual Go-Between

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

One of the fastest ways to lose trust in motorcycle club chaplaincy is to mishandle words.

A chaplain may think the greatest risks are dramatic moments, conflict scenes, or crisis events. But often the deeper damage comes through ordinary conversation. A few careless comments. One repeated story. One side conversation too many. One attempt to “help” by carrying messages between people.

This video is about what not to do.

First, do not gossip.

Gossip is not only spreading lies. Gossip can also be passing along true information that is not yours to share. It may sound concerned. It may sound spiritual. It may sound harmless. But if it exposes private struggle, feeds suspicion, or lowers someone’s dignity, it is doing harm.

A chaplain must never become the person who always “knows what’s really going on.”

Second, do not take sides too quickly.

In tight communities, conflicts often come with history. There may be hurt, loyalty, anger, misunderstanding, and old wounds underneath the current problem. If a chaplain listens to one person and then begins speaking as though the full story is already clear, trust starts breaking immediately.

A chaplain can care deeply without becoming a partisan player.

That means resisting the urge to signal, “I’m with you against them.” It means staying grounded enough to hear pain without turning pain into an alliance.

Third, do not become the spiritual go-between.

Sometimes a person will say, “Can you tell him this?” Or, “Maybe you can talk to her for me.” Or, “You’re the chaplain. They’ll listen to you.”

This can sound important. It can make a chaplain feel needed. But very often it creates confusion and dependency. Instead of helping people speak honestly and directly, it places the chaplain in the middle of a relationship that is not actually theirs to manage.

A wise chaplain does not absorb every relational burden into the chaplain role.

There are exceptions. In crisis, in de-escalation, or in early support after a shock, a chaplain may help create space for calm conversation. But that is different from carrying private narratives back and forth over time.

Fourth, do not use prayer as a way to spread information.

This happens more easily than people realize. Someone shares something painful. Then later, that struggle appears in a public prayer circle, a vague group mention, or a ministry update. Even if names are not used, people in close communities often know exactly who is being discussed.

That can feel like exposure, not care.

Fifth, do not confuse access with authority.

A chaplain who is welcomed into meaningful moments must stay humble. Just because someone told you something does not make you their manager, interpreter, or spokesperson. Listening is not ownership.

What helps instead?

Slow down.
Listen carefully.
Keep your speech clean.
Encourage direct conversation where appropriate.
Name your limits clearly.
Refuse to feed speculation.
Decline to carry stories that are not yours to carry.

You can say things like, “That sounds important. Have you told them directly?” Or, “I want to be careful not to stand in the middle of something that belongs between the two of you.” Or, “I’m glad you shared that with me. I will treat it carefully.”

Ministry Sciences reminds us that under stress, people often look for quick relief. Sometimes that relief comes through venting, triangling, or pulling others into the emotional system. A chaplain’s job is not to intensify that pattern. A chaplain’s job is to bring steadiness.

In motorcycle chaplaincy, this matters a great deal. Communities shaped by loyalty and memory can be strengthened by wise speech or harmed by loose speech.

So do not gossip. Do not take sides too fast. Do not become the spiritual messenger between people.

Stay clear. Stay humble. Stay safe with words.

That is not weak ministry. That is strong ministry.