🎥 Video 11B Transcript: What Not to Do: Making People Stay Dependent on Online Ministry Alone

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In this video, we are looking at a mistake digital chaplains must avoid.

Do not build ministry in a way that keeps people dependent on you.

This can happen slowly.
It can happen sincerely.
And sometimes it can even feel caring at first.

A person opens up to you online.
They trust you.
They message often.
They tell you very personal things.
They say you understand them.
They tell you no one else knows the real story.

That can stir compassion.
But it can also create temptation.

A chaplain may begin to feel important.
Needed.
Special.
Central.

And without meaning to, the chaplain can begin feeding a pattern that should not continue.

Instead of helping the person grow toward wider support, the chaplain becomes the main support.
Instead of encouraging church connection, family repair, local help, or healthy accountability, the chaplain becomes the preferred secret contact.
Instead of building toward freedom, the relationship starts building toward dependency.

That is not wise care.

Sometimes dependency forms because the person is in pain.
Sometimes it forms because the chaplain enjoys being trusted.
Sometimes it forms because digital communication makes intimacy feel faster than it really is.

A person can tell you very deep things online before they have real support around them.
And a chaplain can begin to mistake emotional intensity for healthy spiritual progress.

But intensity is not the same as health.

Here are some warning signs.

The person says,
“You are the only one I need.”
“Please don’t send me to anyone else.”
“I only want to talk to you.”
“Don’t tell me to talk to my pastor.”
“Can we keep this just between us?”

Another warning sign is constant access.

The person expects immediate replies.
The chaplain feels guilty for not answering quickly.
The relationship becomes emotionally heavy, private, and hard to share with supervisors, mentors, spouses, or ministry leadership.

Another warning sign is hiddenness.

The chaplain begins to think,
“This is too complicated to explain to others.”
Or,
“I’ll just keep helping quietly.”
Or,
“They would not understand our connection.”

That is not a healthy direction.

Holy ministry does not need secrecy to survive.

Now, let’s be clear.
A digital chaplain should be kind.
Available within limits.
Steady.
Compassionate.

But the chaplain must never become a substitute for church, family, counseling, medical care, crisis intervention, or embodied Christian community.

That is especially important in digital parishes, where private messages can quickly become emotionally exclusive.

You are not called to be someone’s hidden savior.
You are called to be a faithful servant of Christ.

So what should you do instead?

First, normalize wider support early.

You can say,
“I’m glad to be one part of support, but I do not want you carrying life alone.”
Or,
“It would be good for us to think about who else can walk with you.”

Second, resist becoming the only channel.

Encourage trusted local connection.
Encourage pastoral care.
Encourage family support where safe.
Encourage licensed help when appropriate.
Encourage church life.
Encourage real community.

Third, keep accountability strong.

Do not build a digital ministry model based on secret private dependency.
If your communication patterns cannot bear wise oversight, something is wrong.

Fourth, do not confuse care with control.

Sometimes a chaplain keeps someone close because it feels like better care.
But real care does not make itself harder to leave.
Real care strengthens people toward health, truth, and support beyond you.

And fifth, pay attention to your own heart.

Ask yourself:
Am I helping this person grow, or helping this person stay attached?
Am I blessing the next right step, or protecting my role in their life?
Am I serving Christ, or quietly enjoying being indispensable?

Those are humbling questions.
But they matter.

The goal of digital chaplaincy is not to create endless private reliance.
It is to offer faithful presence, wise boundaries, and hope that points people toward fuller support.

A good chaplain does not say,
“Stay with me alone.”

A good chaplain says,
“Let’s help you get the support you really need.”

That is not cold.
That is mature love.

And mature love does not build dependency.
It helps people move toward truth, safety, community, and freedom.