🎥 Video 2B Transcript: What Not to Do: Pity, Infantilizing, and Talking Past the Person

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In this video, we are going to talk very plainly about what not to do in Adults with Disabilities Chaplaincy.

Sometimes people have sincere hearts and still create harm.

They do not mean to be disrespectful. They do not mean to be condescending. But their habits quietly damage dignity.

Three common problems are pity, infantilizing, and talking past the person.

Let’s start with pity.

Pity is different from compassion.

Compassion says, “I care about your pain, and I want to honor you.”

Pity often says, even if not out loud, “You are unfortunate, weak, and beneath me.”

That is why pity usually feels heavy and uncomfortable. Adults can sense it. It may come through tone of voice, facial expression, exaggerated praise, or overly emotional reactions.

Pity does not create belonging. It creates distance.

Now let’s talk about infantilizing.

Adults with disabilities are adults.

That should not need to be said so often, but it does.

Infantilizing happens when people use childish tone, oversimplified speech, unnecessary babying, or controlling behavior toward adults. It can also happen when people assume an adult cannot decide, cannot understand, or should always be managed by others.

Even when support is needed, adulthood still matters.

Dignity still matters.

Agency still matters.

An Adults with Disabilities Chaplain must never drift into treating adults as permanent children.

The third problem is talking past the person.

This happens when others direct the conversation to the caregiver, family member, support worker, or friend while the adult is sitting right there.

It also happens when someone answers for the person too quickly, finishes every sentence, or assumes the adult cannot speak for themselves.

This is one of the fastest ways to communicate, “You are not the real person in this conversation.”

That is deeply damaging.

A good rule is simple. Speak to the adult first whenever appropriate. Listen for their answer. Make room for their pace. Respect the conversation as theirs, not merely about them.

James 1:19 says, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

That verse is very practical here.

Be swift to hear.

That means do not rush ahead of the person.

Do not fill every silence.

Do not assume your job is to make the interaction move faster.

Another harmful habit is overhelping.

Sometimes people jump in so quickly that they never discover what the person can do, say, or manage with a little space. Overhelping may look kind, but it can quietly communicate weakness, incompetence, or helplessness.

That does not mean never helping. It means helping wisely.

Ask before stepping in.

Respect pace.

Notice what is actually needed.

Also avoid public embarrassment. Do not put adults on display as examples of courage, sweetness, or ministry inspiration without care. Do not force participation in ways that expose reading struggles, speech anxiety, or social discomfort. Do not use someone’s visible difficulty as a sermon illustration.

That is not care.

That is using the person.

Luke 14 speaks about bringing in those often overlooked, but the spirit of Christ is not token inclusion. It is honorable welcome.

In digital settings, these same mistakes can happen in new forms. People may ignore slower responses in chat. They may move on too quickly in video conversations. They may address the helper and not the person. They may assume someone online is disengaged when the pace is simply too fast.

So what should you do instead?

Replace pity with respect.

Replace infantilizing with adult honor.

Replace talking past the person with direct, patient engagement.

Replace assumption with observation.

Replace control with dignity.

That is the way of wise Disability Ministry Chaplaincy.

And when you practice that way consistently, people often feel something powerful.

Not just helped.

But seen.