🎥 Video 12B Transcript: What Not to Do: Shame, Silence, Infantilizing, or Giving Reckless Advice

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In this video, we are focusing on what not to do.

This matters because one poor response can shut a person down for years. If an adult with a disability finally asks a question about sexuality, marriage, desire, or sexual self-care, the chaplain’s first response matters deeply.

There are four major mistakes to avoid.

The first mistake is shame.

Some leaders react as though the question itself is sinful. Their tone changes. Their face tightens. The person can feel the discomfort immediately. Even if the leader uses religious language, the message comes across clearly: “You should not have brought this up.”

That response often drives people back into secrecy.

And secrecy is one of the biggest problems in this area. Secrecy often breeds shame, confusion, fear, and repeated cycles of struggle. A wise chaplain should not add more shame to a person who is already trying to bring something hidden into the light. 

The second mistake is silence.

Some leaders avoid the issue completely. They change the subject. They offer a vague prayer and move on. They say something thin like, “Just trust God,” without actually engaging the question.

Silence may protect the leader from discomfort, but it often abandons the person asking.

The third mistake is infantilizing.

This is especially important in Adults with Disabilities Chaplaincy. Adults with disabilities are sometimes treated as though they are permanent children. Their sexuality is ignored. Their marriage concerns are brushed aside. Their loneliness is minimized. Their desires are treated as inappropriate simply because others feel awkward.

But adults with disabilities are adults.

They may have support needs. They may have communication differences. They may need simpler language or slower conversation. But they are still adults, and adult dignity means we do not erase their embodied lives.

A chaplain must not talk down to them, laugh off their questions, or imply that sexuality is somehow too mature a topic for them to bring up.

The fourth mistake is reckless advice.

This can happen in two directions.

Some leaders become casual and permissive. They talk too freely. They drift into explicit territory. They give advice beyond their role. They speak as if any choice is fine, as long as the person feels sincere.

Other leaders become rigid and simplistic. They give one-line answers to deeply layered realities. They do not ask whether trauma, abuse, medical pain, compulsive behavior, pornography, relational strain, sensory history, or marital difficulty may be involved.

Both are unwise.

A chaplain is not called to become a detailed sexual coach, medical expert, or therapist. The chaplain’s role is first-response pastoral care. That includes dignity, prayerful listening, biblical clarity, adult-aware language, and wise referral when needed. 

A chaplain also must not ignore warning signs.

If a conversation reveals abuse, coercion, predatory behavior, pornography addiction, trauma, severe compulsive behavior, exploitation, or serious marital harm, the response must move beyond a simple pastoral conversation. Safety, reporting, referral, and appropriate escalation may be needed.

Another mistake to avoid is reductionism.

Sometimes a person asks one question, and the leader begins to define the whole person by that question. Suddenly the adult is no longer seen as a disciple, a worshiper, a whole person, or an image-bearer. They are seen only through the lens of that awkward moment.

Do not do that.

A sexual question is not the whole person.
A struggle is not the whole identity.
A moment of honesty is not moral collapse.
A clumsy question is not rebellion.

Some people ask because they are drowning in shame.
Some ask because they want permission to do whatever they want.
Some ask because they have never had a safe Christian conversation.
Some ask because they sincerely want to honor Christ and do not know how.

A wise Disability-Aware Chaplain learns to hear that deeper layer.

So what should you avoid?

Do not shame.
Do not go silent.
Do not infantilize.
Do not become graphic.
Do not give sweeping advice beyond your role.
Do not assume the worst.
Do not ignore danger signs.
Do not let your own embarrassment become the center of the moment.

The person in front of you needs a calm, mature, biblically grounded response.

That is the better path.