🎥 Video 13B Transcript: What Not to Do: Keeping People Dependent on the Chaplain or the Club Social Circle

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

Let’s talk about what not to do when people are hurting in the country club parish.

One of the biggest mistakes a chaplain can make is to let a person stay dependent on the chaplain.

At first, that dependency may not look unhealthy.

The person keeps reaching out.
They feel safe with you.
They like talking with you.
They trust your calm presence.
They say things like, “You’re the only one I can talk to.”

That may sound meaningful.
And some of it may be sincere.

But over time, that kind of pattern can become unhealthy for both people.

The hurting person may stop taking deeper steps.
They may avoid counseling.
Avoid church.
Avoid recovery.
Avoid honest family conversations.
Avoid the harder work of real change.

Instead, they keep returning to the chaplain relationship because it feels safer and easier.

That is not always healing.
Sometimes that is delay.

The chaplain can also get pulled in too deeply.

You may start feeling responsible for the person’s emotional state.
You may feel pressure to answer every text.
You may begin carrying more than your role should carry.
You may feel guilty about setting limits.

That is one reason role clarity matters so much.

The chaplain is not meant to become someone’s private emotional system.

Another mistake is allowing the club social circle to become the person’s whole support environment.

That can happen very easily in this parish.

A person talks to the chaplain.
Then keeps talking only to a few familiar people at the club.
They stay inside the same social setting.
The same routines.
The same conversations.
The same vague support.

But some problems need help beyond the club.

The club may be where the need surfaced.
But it may not be where the whole healing happens.

A marriage in crisis may need counseling.
An addiction may need recovery support.
Depression may need clinical care.
Grief may need deeper pastoral and communal support.
Spiritual confusion may need church life, discipleship, and real biblical formation.

A wise chaplain notices when informal care has reached its limit.

This does not mean becoming cold.
It does not mean backing away harshly.
It means refusing to let the relationship become the substitute for deeper help.

You may need to say,
“I care about you, but I do not want this to stop with just our conversations.”

Or:
“I’m glad we can talk, but I think you need more support than this setting can give.”

Or:
“I do not want the club to be the only place where you process this.”

Those are healthy sentences.

The chaplain also needs to watch for emotional exclusivity.

If a person only wants you,
only trusts you,
or resists all other support,
that is a warning sign.

It may feel flattering at first.
But it is usually not sustainable.
And it is often not wise.

The Organic Humans framework reminds us that people are embodied souls.
They usually need real support in real life.
Not just a repeated private conversation in a socially comfortable setting.

Ministry Sciences also reminds us that vague support can sometimes soothe pain without changing the conditions that keep the pain in place.

That is why the chaplain must not confuse repeated contact with real progress.

So what should you not do?

Do not let the person stay dependent on you.
Do not let the club become the whole support system.
Do not let informal care replace deeper action.
Do not build ministry around being the only trusted person.

Instead, build bridges.
Encourage next steps.
Stay warm.
Stay honest.
Stay role-aware.

In this parish, one of the most loving things a chaplain can do is help someone move beyond dependence and toward deeper, healthier support.

That is part of faithful care.



Modifié le: jeudi 16 avril 2026, 20:16