🎥 Video 7B Transcript: What Not to Do: Triangulation, Over-Familiarity, Patronizing Older Adults, and Replacing Real Supports

Hi, I am Haley, a Christian Leaders Institute presenter.

In this video, we are going to talk about what not to do when serving households, older adults, widows, caregivers, single adults, and homebound neighbors.

Many mistakes in community chaplaincy begin with good intentions. A chaplain wants to help. A chaplain feels compassion. A chaplain becomes available. But without clear boundaries and wise discernment, help can drift into unhealthy patterns.

One major mistake is triangulation.

Triangulation happens when the chaplain gets pulled into relationship tension between other people and begins functioning like a private channel in a family system. One adult child tells you one version. The parent tells you another. A sibling calls to “fill you in.” Soon the chaplain is carrying messages, absorbing loyalties, or quietly reinforcing one side.

Do not do that.

A community chaplain must not become the family’s hidden alliance partner. You may listen compassionately, but you should not become the go-between in a way that deepens confusion, secrecy, or conflict.

Another mistake is over-familiarity.

Sometimes a chaplain becomes too quickly woven into the emotional life of a household. The person being helped begins to assume constant access. The chaplain begins visiting too often, staying too long, or communicating too personally. What began as care can slowly become dependency.

This is especially dangerous in ministry with lonely people. Loneliness can create a strong emotional pull. A chaplain may feel needed and spiritually important. But if the relationship becomes exclusive, blurred, or emotionally possessive, it stops being healthy care.

Do not become someone’s only support.
Do not encourage dependence on your constant attention.
Do not let “ministry closeness” become role confusion.

Another mistake is patronizing older adults.

Older adults do not need to be talked down to. They do not need to be treated like children because they walk slowly, repeat stories, forget details, or need help with certain tasks. They are still adults, still image-bearers, and still worthy of respect.

Patronizing behavior includes:
speaking in a childish tone
ignoring their preferences
assuming weakness where wisdom may be present
talking about them in front of them
treating them as ministry projects
or making every interaction about decline

A community chaplain should bring honor, not condescension.

Another common mistake is replacing real supports.

A chaplain is not there to become the entire care network. You are not the family system, the medical team, the therapist, the transportation solution, the financial planner, or the only trusted voice in the room. In some cases, a chaplain may help connect people to those supports. But trying to become all of them is not faithfulness. It is overreach.

You also must be careful not to build ministry on hidden rescue habits. That can look spiritual, but it often creates exhaustion, confusion, and unhealthy attachment.

Ministry Sciences reminds us that households are layered systems. People affect one another. History matters. Shame matters. Grief changes behavior. Caregiving drains energy. Memory loss affects the whole household, not just one person. Because of that, the chaplain must stay grounded, patient, and role-clear.

Organic Humans reminds us that each person is a whole embodied soul before God. That means older adults are not just aging bodies. Caregivers are not just functional helpers. Widows are not just grief identities. Single adults are not just “people we should remember.” Each person carries dignity, agency, and a life before God.

So what should you do instead?

Serve respectfully.
Listen carefully.
Avoid taking sides.
Refuse unhealthy exclusivity.
Do not hover.
Do not infantilize.
Do not overpromise.
Do not mistake constant availability for faithful ministry.

Instead, become known as a chaplain who is warm, wise, steady, and safe.

That kind of presence protects people, honors households, and strengthens trust over time.