🧪 Case Study 2.3: “I Don’t Know Enough About My Family to Draw This”

🧪 Case Study 2.3: “I Don’t Know Enough About My Family to Draw This”

Scenario

Marcus is a Christian Leaders Institute student preparing for ministry coaching and chaplaincy conversations. During a training session on ministry genograms, he is asked to draw a simple three-generation family formation map.

He freezes.

He says, “I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know enough about my family.”

Marcus was raised mostly by his grandmother and an older cousin. His mother was present at times but struggled with instability. His father was mostly absent. Marcus knows very little about his father’s side of the family. He has heard a few stories about his grandfather, but no one talked openly about the past. When he asks relatives questions, they often say, “That was a long time ago,” or “You don’t need to know all that.”

Marcus feels embarrassed. He looks around and sees other students drawing parents, grandparents, siblings, marriages, and family lines. He says, “Everybody else has a real family map. Mine is just blank.”

The instructor gently pauses the exercise and says, “A blank space can still tell part of the formation story. We do not need a perfect family chart. We are looking for what shaped you.”

Marcus begins again.

Instead of trying to draw a traditional family tree, he draws himself near the bottom of the page. Above him, he draws his grandmother and older cousin because they were the most consistent people in his life. He adds his mother with the note “in and out, loved me but unstable.” He draws his father with a dotted line and writes “mostly unknown.”

Then Marcus adds notes.

Near his grandmother, he writes: “prayer, cooking, church, discipline, steady.”
Near his cousin, he writes: “protector, music, street wisdom.”
Near his mother, he writes: “love, sadness, instability.”
Near his father’s side, he writes: “unknown, absence, questions.”

As he looks at the map, Marcus says, “Maybe I know more than I thought. I don’t know names and dates, but I know who shaped me.”

Then he becomes quiet.

He says, “I think I always felt like I came from nothing. But my grandmother gave me faith. My cousin kept me safe. I also see why I struggle when people ask me about fatherhood or leadership. I never saw that up close.”

The instructor does not push for more. Instead, the instructor asks, “What is one faithful next step that feels wise and not overwhelming?”

Marcus says, “I think I need to thank my grandmother while she is still alive. And maybe I need to ask a mature Christian man in my church to mentor me.”

Analysis

Marcus’s situation shows why a ministry genogram must be a formation map, not merely a biological family chart.

If the instructor had treated the genogram as a traditional family tree, Marcus may have felt ashamed, excluded, or defective. He did not know enough names, dates, and family connections to fill out a standard chart. But ministry genogram conversations are not about producing a perfect diagram. They are about noticing formation.

Marcus’s blank spaces matter. His unknown father’s side shaped him. The silence around family history shaped him. The absence of clear fatherhood and leadership models shaped him.

But the map also reveals blessings. His grandmother’s prayer, church involvement, cooking, steadiness, and discipline shaped him. His cousin’s protection and presence shaped him. Even his mother’s imperfect love matters.

A wise ministry leader helps Marcus see both absence and grace.

This case also highlights an important ministry principle: unknown information should not be treated as failure. Sometimes what is unknown is part of the story. In adoption, foster care, estrangement, incarceration, abandonment, migration, family secrecy, or trauma histories, people may not know much about earlier generations. That absence should be handled gently.

Marcus does not need a complete map to begin faithful reflection.

Goals

The ministry leader’s goals are to help Marcus:

1. Understand that a genogram is a formation map, not a perfect family tree.

2. Avoid shame about unknown family history.

3. Include formative caregivers and spiritual influences.

4. Notice both absence and blessing.

5. Recognize missing models related to fatherhood and leadership.

6. Identify strengths he received from his grandmother and cousin.

7. Avoid pressuring relatives for information before wisdom and timing are clear.

8. Choose one faithful next step that is small, wise, and possible.

Poor Response

A poor response would sound like this:

“Marcus, you really need to find out more about your family before this exercise can help you. Call your relatives and ask for names, dates, and what happened on your father’s side. Until you know your family history, you will not be able to understand your patterns.”

This response is unhelpful because it increases shame. It implies that Marcus’s map is not valid unless he can fill in missing information. It treats biological information as more important than actual formation. It may pressure Marcus into unsafe or unwise family conversations. It also overlooks the people who truly shaped him.

Another poor response would be:

“Well, if your father was absent, that probably explains your leadership issues.”

This response overinterprets the map. It may contain a partial insight, but it is too quick, too certain, and too reducing. Marcus’s story includes absence, but it also includes grandmotherly faith, cousin protection, church influence, and his own agency in Christ.

Wise Response

A wiser response would sound like this:

“Marcus, not knowing parts of your family history does not mean you failed the exercise. Unknown spaces can be part of the formation story. Let’s map what you do know. Who shaped your daily life? Who gave stability? Who created confusion? Who helped you know God? Who was absent in a way that still matters?”

This response is wise because it lowers shame and refocuses the map on formation.

It helps Marcus include the grandmother and cousin who actually shaped his life. It also allows him to name absence without making absence his whole identity.

The leader might continue:

“You may not know all the names, but you are already seeing important formation: prayer, protection, instability, absence, and missing models. We can handle this gently.”

This kind of response gives Marcus permission to draw an honest map.

Stronger Conversation

A stronger conversation may include gentle, formation-focused questions:

“Who raised you most consistently?”

“Who made you feel safe?”

“Who made life feel unstable?”

“Who taught you something about faith?”

“Who showed you how to work, pray, serve, or survive?”

“Were there people you did not know who still affected your story by their absence?”

“Are there family areas where the unknown itself feels important?”

“What blessing did your grandmother give you that you want to carry forward?”

“What did your cousin model that helped you survive?”

“What missing model do you now want to receive through mentoring?”

“What is one faithful next step that does not overwhelm you?”

These questions are helpful because they do not demand a traditional family structure. They honor the actual formation story.

The conversation should not become a hunt for hidden family secrets. Marcus may someday ask relatives more questions, but that should be his choice, guided by wisdom, timing, and safety.

Boundary Reminders

The instructor or ministry leader should remember:

Marcus’s unknown family history is not a failure.

The leader should not pressure Marcus to contact absent relatives.

The leader should not treat biological family information as more important than actual caregivers.

The leader should not diagnose Marcus based on father absence.

The leader should not assume Marcus’s leadership fear has only one cause.

The leader should not push for painful details about his mother’s instability.

The leader should not turn Marcus’s story into a testimony without permission.

The leader should honor the grandmother and cousin as formative figures.

The leader should help Marcus identify missing models without shame.

The leader should refer Marcus to deeper support if the exercise surfaces severe distress, unresolved trauma, safety concerns, or needs beyond the ministry role.

Do’s

Do normalize incomplete family information.

Do map formative relationships, not only biological relatives.

Do include caregivers, mentors, church figures, and stabilizing people.

Do ask permission before writing sensitive notes.

Do treat absence as formation without making absence destiny.

Do notice blessings and strengths.

Do identify missing models gently.

Do help the student choose one faithful next step.

Do encourage mentoring when a missing model is discovered.

Do remind the student that Christ can form what was not modeled.

Don’ts

Do not shame someone for not knowing family history.

Do not say the genogram is useless without names and dates.

Do not push someone to investigate family secrets.

Do not overinterpret blank spaces.

Do not diagnose absent or unstable family members.

Do not reduce the student’s identity to father absence.

Do not ignore the people who actually provided care.

Do not force the student to make a dramatic commitment.

Do not use the map to pressure reconciliation or family contact.

Do not make the chart more important than the person.

Sample Phrases

“You do not need a perfect family tree for this to be meaningful.”

“We can map what you know and leave unknown spaces where needed.”

“Unknown information can still be part of the formation story.”

“Who actually shaped your daily life?”

“Who gave you stability?”

“Who helped you know God?”

“Who was absent in a way that still affected you?”

“We can write that gently, or we can leave it off the map for now.”

“A missing model is not a missing capacity.”

“Not seeing fatherhood or leadership modeled does not mean Christ cannot grow those qualities in you.”

“What blessing from your grandmother do you want to carry forward?”

“What support or mentoring might help you receive what was missing?”

“What is one faithful next step that feels wise and possible?”

Ministry Sciences Reflection

Marcus’s reaction is not merely about missing information. His body and emotions respond to the exercise because the blank spaces carry meaning. The absence of his father’s side, the silence from relatives, and the instability around his mother are not just facts. They are part of his formation.

A person can feel shame when a family map looks incomplete. They may compare themselves with others and think, “My story is not normal,” or “I came from nothing.” This kind of shame can affect identity, confidence, and calling.

The ministry leader helps reduce shame by widening the definition of formation. Marcus was shaped by absence, yes. But he was also shaped by prayer, protection, church, discipline, music, food, and steadiness.

The map helps Marcus see the whole story more clearly.

Organic Humans Reflection

Marcus is an embodied soul. His family formation affected his spiritual life, emotional reactions, body, relationships, confidence, and calling.

The unknown spaces on his family map may create emotional tension. Father absence may affect how he imagines leadership, authority, and manhood. His grandmother’s prayer life may still live in him as spiritual memory. His cousin’s protection may have taught him loyalty and survival.

Care for Marcus must honor the whole person. He is not a “father wound.” He is not an “incomplete family chart.” He is an image-bearer whose life includes wounds, blessings, gaps, strengths, and holy possibility.

Christ can redeem what was absent and strengthen what was given.

Image-Bearer Reflection

Marcus’s dignity does not depend on how much he knows about his family line. His value is not reduced by blank spaces on a chart.

He is made in God’s image. He is known by God even where his family history is unknown to him.

This truth matters deeply. Some people feel that a missing parent, unknown ancestry, foster care history, adoption story, family secrecy, or fragmented family structure makes them less rooted. A ministry genogram conversation should never deepen that shame.

Instead, the conversation can help the person say:

“I was shaped by absence, but I am not defined by absence.”

“I received some blessings, even in a complicated story.”

“I can seek mentoring where I lacked a model.”

“I can carry forward what was good.”

“I can begin something new in Christ.”

Marcus may become a first-generation blessing-builder in fatherhood, leadership, spiritual steadiness, and mentoring others who feel they came from blank spaces too.

Practical Lessons

1. A ministry genogram does not require complete family information.

2. Unknown spaces can be part of the formation story.

3. Caregivers and formative people may matter as much as biological relatives.

4. A person’s shame may rise when their family map feels incomplete.

5. The leader should normalize complexity without minimizing pain.

6. Missing models should be named without discouragement.

7. Blessings should be noticed even when the story is fragmented.

8. The person should decide what gets written on the map.

9. The leader should not pressure family investigation.

10. One faithful next step is better than an overwhelming plan.

Reflection Questions

1. Why did Marcus initially feel unable to draw a genogram?

2. How did the instructor help Marcus understand the genogram as a formation map rather than a perfect family tree?

3. What formative people did Marcus include besides his biological parents?

4. What blessings did Marcus identify from his grandmother?

5. What did Marcus’s unknown father’s side represent in his formation story?

6. Why would it be unwise to pressure Marcus to investigate family secrets immediately?

7. What missing models did Marcus begin to recognize?

8. How did the conversation help Marcus move from shame toward hope?

9. What would be one wise mentoring step for Marcus?

10. How can this case study help ministry leaders serve people with adoption, foster care, estrangement, or unknown family history?

References

The Holy Bible, World English Bible.

Christian Leaders Institute. Having Ministry Genogram Conversations — Final Updated Comprehensive Master Template.

Reyenga, Henry. Organic Humans. Christian Leaders Press.

Reyenga, Henry, and Pam Reyenga. Breaking the Anger Cycle. Christian Leaders Press.

McGoldrick, Monica, Randy Gerson, and Sueli Petry. Genograms: Assessment and Intervention. W. W. Norton & Company.

Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.Zondervan.