Why Good Intentions Are Not Enough in Wedding Ministry

Henry Reyenga

Yeah, okay, so today we're going to talk about why good intentions are not enough in wedding ministry.

I mentioned before that this is not just officiant ministry. In many ways, you're dealing with real people.

I remember early in ministry thinking, you know, people just come to me, I love being part of their special day. It's like the Hallmark Channel. You get to be there performing each element of a wedding ceremony, and you go through this, and at the end they kiss, and all is amazing. Then you go to the reception, and all is amazing.

You know what I found?

We're humans.

I call it organic humans—organic male, organic female, real people, real families, real problems.

While I see the importance of being a wedding officiant, I believe if we study more, we really become wedding, pre-wedding, and pre-marriage ministers, even while staying in the lane of an officiant.

The word officiant actually comes from the Old Testament. It is to officiate at the altar. There were procedures, and there was ministry that was done. The priests at the altar would not just help people come to worship God, but would minister on how to worship God. They were part of relationships.

When you go deeper into the ministry of officiating weddings, you will find the same thing.

It's not just the good intention of becoming a wedding officiant.

I find that so interesting at Christian Leaders Institute. It's wonderful to see how people view us as an authority on learning how to perform Christian wedding services. Praise the Lord.

But as they come here, what has been amazing for me to see over the years is the transformation that comes from that good intention.

Someone says, "I'm interested in performing a wedding. I want to do it."

Then that intention becomes consent:

"I will submit myself to training."

Then it becomes action plans:

"I will become ordained."

"I will get someone to recommend me in the program."

All of that is to say that good intentions go further.

Where I believe they go is into ministry depth.

What starts happening is that you'll begin to see things beneath the surface.

You'll see that there is more to a wedding than the beauty of the ceremony.

You may see a bride torn between her parents and her future husband.

Is there a ministry role there?

Maybe it's a referral. Maybe you're a Life Coach Minister. Maybe you're a staff minister.

The thing about it is that this isn't wedding officiant ministry apart from ministry. We're all connected.

If it's in your power to help, you want to help.

We're not saying you're going to become the answer officiant, the person who solves every problem.

But in ministry, sometimes little things make a huge difference.

I'll give you a story.

You may encounter a bride who simply needs a little nudge to create a healthy boundary with her father, mother, or parents for the marriage to do well.

The theology of Christianity is "leave and cleave."

That new couple becomes a covenantal entity—a husband and wife.

But you may notice that all the bride talks about is:

"I just can't leave my father and mother."

"But I like Jason."

"I love Jason."

"I think we're going to have children."

"In fact, Jason is really my future baby daddy because my parents want grandchildren."

You may get a hunch, prompted by the Holy Spirit, that something is not quite right.

In wedding officiant training, you'll learn how to do some premarital conversations at a deeper level that may bring that subject up in a way that creates healthy discussion.

I have seen the power of the Holy Spirit in these conversations.

Again, these are conversations. You can't fix everything.

You may see a groom who is panicked about getting married.

You're a Christian minister. You're in a conversation. You start talking about some of the anxiety.

You may see a remarried couple who wants you to perform their wedding.

You can talk about helping them become free from the guilt and shame of previous relationships.

Sometimes it's simply having a conversation.

Sometimes it's helping people see that the point of reference for their lives is not the past, but the future that God is calling them to build together.

You may discover that in your role as a Life Coach Minister, chaplain, staff minister, or officiant, the Lord calls you into ministry moments.

So it's not just doing the ceremony.

It really is going deeper.

It's not just good intentions about doing one ceremony.

You are a human being relating to other human beings, and there are questions that come.

I hear some of these stories from wedding officiants.

I'm very interested in your ministries.

I love hearing stories.

I would love it if you would share more of your stories with Christian Leaders Institute and Christian Leaders Alliance.

It's amazing to hear the miracle stories that happen through this process.

Just a couple of months ago, I heard a story about a young woman who loved the man she was going to marry, but she herself was struggling with some postmodern philosophical questions.

Was she an organic woman?

Was she not?

Was she pansexual?

Why was she struggling?

Because she had taken a gender studies course at a university.

Now she was looking forward to getting married, but she was wrestling with philosophical questions about identity.

It was encouraging to hear how the wedding officiant referred her to some things he had learned here at Christian Leaders Institute.

It gave her a voice and a conversation about God's design.

It helped her consider that she was a designed organic female and that some of the confusion she was experiencing came from philosophical ideas rather than biological reality.

The officiant told me:

"I didn't push anything. I felt like I was out of my league."

"All I did was talk about the philosophy of gender and how Christianity believes that gender is designed by God."

Part of the confusion was that the woman wasn't the cooking type, while the man loved to cook.

They were wondering whether they fit traditional clichés about being male and female.

The discussion simply created a conversation.

The officiant said:

"I was meek and mild. I didn't want to get into that subject deeply because it's serious territory."

"But I gave a testimony about what I believe and what I've learned at Christian Leaders Institute."

That was enough.

It opened a conversation.

In many ways, it helped release some of her philosophical angst about her identity.

Now, this wasn't counseling.

It wasn't therapy.

It wasn't trying to push a belief onto someone.

It was a conversation that real people had with real people.

The officiant stayed in his lane.

But as a Christian wedding officiant, you have training and learning.

The question became:

"Would you like to hear the Christian view of gender?"

"Yes, I would."

The Christian view of gender is that God designed man and woman as a beautiful design.

The biology of men and women reflects that design.

In the book of Genesis, before the fall of humanity, God said that a man would leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife, and the two would become one flesh.

A covenant was established.

Then the fall happened, and that covenant became damaged.

So here we are—broken people getting married.

Yet God's grace has given us the institution of marriage.

As Christians, we believe God helps us.

God helps us have decades together until death do us part.

God helps us raise children and build families.

Marriage is not reduced to whatever roles society says men and women must perform.

It is a design that transcends those roles.

That was essentially the discussion.

It was simply a conversation.

But the Holy Spirit used it in a powerful way.

Becoming a wedding officiant is not just looking at the subject and saying:

"I can legally perform a wedding in Florida, Texas, California, Michigan, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, or somewhere else."

No.

It is about ministry.

It is about conversations.

It is about relationships.

You know your role, but ministry happens because relationships happen.

So this opportunity is exciting.

I don't know what the Lord is going to do in your ministry.

Because it is no secret what God can do.

What He has done for others, He will do for you.

A testimony shared with others often creates opportunities for respectful conversations, new insights, ministry growth, and the work of the Holy Spirit through the Word of God.