Desire, Fear, Family, Body, Human Spirit, and Wedding Preparation

Henry Reyenga

So today we're going to talk about desire, fear, family, body, human spirit, and wedding preparation.

Last time we talked about the Christian philosophy of person, and today we're going to get practical about what that means.

As the bride and groom are preparing for marriage, you will find as a wedding officiant that they will bring the whole gamut of the human experience to you.

In fact, one of the things that's so interesting about being a wedding officiant is this truth: you can meet someone, and now you see it all.

As humans, we have different interests, different intentions, different commitments, and different backgrounds.

So now, as an officiant, all of a sudden you're given this window. People bring all sorts of situations into your life as a minister.

They may come to you, and the most important thing to them is desire and sexuality. They're just getting it over with so they can have sexual intimacy, and they will say that, especially in the confidential relationship of a wedding officiant and clergy.

When they come to you—and this is just a little side point—if you're ordained, you have confidentiality responsibilities. They know that, and they want to come to you with the freedom to be transparent.

And they will be transparent.

They may bring fear.

Their big story might be that they want to get out of their homes.

I've often seen that.

Especially in some Christian homes, if the home had an interpretation of a lot of judgment, children often felt like they were always walking on pins and needles.

Many times they want to get married at a young age just to get out of the house.

Now the wedding officiant may hear that and have conversations about it.

No, you're ultimately not going to tell them what to do, but the conversation could change the game.

You're going to see spiritual longings.

You're going to see people who have come from abuse.

They may be walking through that journey of life effectively, but they're going to come to you with all sorts of issues.

In our current culture, a lot of people come with identity and gender struggles.

If you do this on a regular basis, you're going to find that to be the case.

How are you going to listen?

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen in a way that holds to the Christian message, being respectful, but also helping people understand that there are major philosophies involved in the interpretation of what it means to be human and what it means to be married.

In some ways, looking back, I find that I had to do a little nuanced teaching along the way.

I'll give you an example.

A lot of times Christians come from backgrounds where, depending on where they've come from, sex was viewed as this forbidden fruit—only in marriage, and in some traditions only for procreation.

Now we live in another reality where internet pornography has cheapened the historic understanding of male and female sexuality away from the biblical design.

So you have all of these things occurring.

Many times people come into these meetings with huge confusion.

Yet somehow they have remained virgins despite all of it.

It may even be that they've dabbled in pornography or are currently watching pornography.

So they're practical virgins with their bodies, but they've been involved with pornography through their eyes and minds.

Then it becomes this conflict where all they've ever seen about sexuality is either that it is evil or forbidden.

But they go to church, so they're trying to hold on to what is good.

It's confusing.

As a wedding officiant, you're going to see that.

What's a way you can plant a seed for joy, restoration, and hope?

That's where this topic becomes important.

You can mention to a couple:

"God designed sexuality as good, and you're here getting married."

"This is one of those beautiful gifts given to humanity."

You can even talk about pornography and those kinds of struggles without creating additional shame.

The problem with pornography is that it takes God's design and reduces it to pleasure or sexual expression.

The Bible sees you as living souls, and sexuality is very important.

Again, without prying—because you're not a counselor—you can say things like:

"I think a lot of people, especially a lot of men, struggle with pornography."

"But pornography is not the full story. It's not the full ride at all."

"It debases and reduces who God made man and woman to be sexually."

Now, when you talk about people as embodied organic males and females in an organic marriage, where sexuality is both spiritual and physical, it changes the game.

I'm not going to pretend there aren't problems out there.

Before you are two fallen people.

The reality is that a lot of things are confused.

A person may desire marriage because of loneliness, sexual impatience, financial instability, family pressure, fear of being alone, or hope that marriage can heal old wounds.

The marriage minister must not shame the desire to get married.

But the minister can help the couple place desire under covenant wisdom.

Some couples are afraid to talk about money.

Some are afraid to talk about conflict.

Some are afraid of disappointing parents.

Some are afraid because of broken marriages they've witnessed or personally experienced.

Some are afraid to admit doubts because the wedding date is already set and now they're questioning things.

A wise wedding minister creates enough safety for honest conversations.

This does not mean the minister becomes a counselor.

It means the minister asks thoughtful questions and, at times, slows things down.

It means creating conversations where the role of the Word of God and the role of the Holy Spirit become increasingly present in their lives.

Christian marriage is not about disembodied people.

It includes one-flesh union, sexual faithfulness, physical presence, shared home life, shared experiences through illness, walking through decades together, aging together, and even fertility questions.

There can be bodily vulnerabilities.

There can be gender questions, especially in a culture influenced by postmodern philosophy that constantly teaches that everyone constructs their own reality.

The bride and groom are not abstract souls floating around.

They are whole persons.

They will live marriage in bodies, in homes, in habits, in conflict, in worship, in work, and in intimacy.

So whatever lane you are coming from, this is the perspective that you bring.

You're having conversations.

Again, you're highly respectful.

You recognize that they are on their own journey.

But you're also highly enthusiastic about the way God designed marriage and how God designed those who get married.