What the Marriage Minister Notices Before Trouble Becomes Public

Henry Reyenga

Today we're going to talk about what the marriage minister, the Advanced Wedding Officiant, notices before trouble becomes public in wedding ministry.

Trouble often whispers before it becomes public.

A wise wedding minister learns to notice certain signs that speak of trouble, but then responds with a nonjudgmental, conversational presence.

We're not therapists. We're not counselors in this role, unless we truly are coaches or therapists.

Okay, I'm just saying, in general, a volunteer wedding minister, a volunteer Advanced Christian Wedding Officiant, and even certain staff ministers and chaplains know what their lane is.

But if it's in our power to help, we're going to help.

We're not going to do a wedding that simply sets people up for destruction and failure.

Our goal is to be part of a journey of blessing for them.

So this does not mean becoming suspicious of every couple.

It does not mean judging people harshly.

It means paying attention with love, wisdom, and role clarity.

During the first meeting, for instance—and I'll get practical and read my notes here to be really clear about this—you may notice that one person answers every question while the other person is silent.

You may notice that the groom corrects the bride again and again.

You may notice that the bride laughs nervously whenever serious topics come up.

You may notice that one person seems afraid to disagree.

You may notice jokes that really are not jokes.

You may notice controlling language about money, clothing, friends, sexuality, church attendance, or family contact.

You may notice that the couple cannot talk about conflict without blame, sarcasm, withdrawal, or anger.

We talk about the organic human language.

The wedding minister is paying attention to the whole embodied soul.

The minister is not only listening to words.

The minister is noticing whether a bride is being honored as an organic female image-bearer before God.

The minister is noticing whether the groom is growing as an organic male image-bearer before God.

The minister is noticing whether the bride and groom are moving toward covenant love or drifting into control, contract fear, passivity, manipulation, or performance.

This is not about stereotypes.

A bride may be strong, wise, and steady in every traditionally male understanding that has been passed down.

A groom may be gentle, thoughtful, and emotionally tender.

Organic male and female language does not flatten personality.

It honors God's design while calling both the bride and groom to Christlike maturity.

You may notice that the wedding is being rushed because of pregnancy, deployment, illness, immigration concerns, family pressure, or financial fear.

You may notice unresolved divorce issues where someone's point of contact is previous relationships.

Often ministers would talk about that as living in continual adultery—you're married really over here, but now you want to enter another marriage.

Slow it all down.

Don't panic.

Don't accuse.

Don't ignore.

Don't rush to perform the ceremony just because the date is on the calendar.

First, ask gentle, wise, specific questions.

For example:

"Would it be helpful for each of you to answer that separately?"

"How do you usually make decisions when you disagree?"

"What kind of support do you have around you as you prepare for marriage?"

"Are either of you feeling pressured to move forward?"

"Is there anything important we should sit down and talk about before the ceremony?"

Second, clarify your role.

The wedding officiant is not a licensed counselor unless you are specifically trained for Life Coach Ministry or counseling.

Again, stay in your lane.

The chaplain is not free to ignore institutional policy.

The life coach must not treat abuse as merely a communication problem.

The church staff minister should not bypass church expectations or pastoral oversight.

Third, know when to refer.

Many times you will notice a referral opportunity, and I would say take it.

Don't pretend that all is fine and that marriage can solve everything.

Understand that we live in a broken world, and you are going to meet broken people.

Now I want to say this: don't get hyper-worried that you need to refer everything either.

There is a balance.

What can happen in ministry is that because you deal with sinners—and you yourself are one—there is one side where all of a sudden you see these things and begin thinking like a conspiracy theorist.

"Oh, I can't even do this marriage."

On one level, how do we dare do any marriage?

You're marrying sinners.

All the things I just talked about are common.

What I'm talking about is that there are times when something is so acute that you should slow it down.

But will you marry sinners who potentially have all of these troubles?

Yes, you will.

And you have them too.

But a Christian Wedding Officiant welcomes God and welcomes the reality that the spiritual and physical are under the lordship of Jesus Christ.

You have a role in that.

Many times what's amazing about the covenant of marriage is that it can bring all of that sinfulness into a pathway of blessing for two people.

But I do believe there are times for caution.

In that role of caution, remember that you have two consenting adults who want to do what they want to do.

You are called, if they both love the Lord and say that the Lord is leading them, to put them on a path of blessing, restoration, welcoming God into their relationship, providing resources, suggesting referrals, and all of that.

But you are still there to officiate a wedding for Christians who are in process.

Having said everything I've said, also be careful that you're not the sheriff in town.

You're not the wedding sheriff either.

You'll see that sometimes too.

I've had situations where a couple is young—nineteen or twenty by American standards—and they're in love, they love the Lord, and they're active in church.

Then the father of the bride comes up to me and says:

"I hear you're officiating our daughter's wedding."

And I'll say:

"Yes, they've asked me to do that."

The first thing I'll hear is:

"They're too young to get married."

"Okay."

"I don't want you to marry them."

Now it's sensitive here.

To respond gently:

"Look, I'm a Christian Wedding Officiant."

"If they get married anyway, George, you don't want them to elope somewhere."

"They're going to talk to me."

"If I see a huge concern, they're two consenting adults."

"If I see a huge concern, trust me, I will act professionally, confidentially, and seek to do my best."

But know that these are two people discerning their calling in life.

Again, we don't want to become enmeshed in family systems politics because we represent the Lord as officiants.

If you're an ordained officiant, this is a role you take in society.

While you listen to all the voices, you're ultimately here to listen to the Lord and understand your role as a Christian Wedding Officiant or Christian minister.