Family Systems at Rehearsals, Ceremonies, Hospital Bedsides, and Church Offices

Henry Reyenga

Welcome back.

Today we're talking about family systems again.

Family systems is an area of study within ministry studies. We even publish a Family Systems Handbook, so if you want to know more about that, you can definitely get it. There's a class on it as well.

These are all things that we want to empower you in because family systems is a ministry science. It is something that has been developed that we can view through the eyes of ministry.

We're going to look at family systems as they appear in rehearsal ceremonies, hospital bedsides, and church offices, and how they connect to wedding ministry.

A wedding brings people together, but it also brings family patterns into the open.

Old wounds may show up during the seating plan.

Divorce history may show up during the processional.

Control issues may show up during the rehearsal.

Grief may show up when a missing parent is remembered.

Jealousy may show up when one side of the family feels ignored.

A faithful wedding officiant or minister does not become the family therapist, but the minister should learn to read the room with wisdom.

You know, many times as a wedding officiant, it's just about doing the ceremony. You already know the system because you've lived in that system. You know that Aunt May will say this because you're the uncle of the bride, let's say. You know how the family dynamic operates.

But if you want to continue on, or even if you're only doing a one-time wedding and want to understand with curiosity how this works, you'll start to see family system patterns.

If you take this course and you're only doing one wedding, this is a beautiful opportunity to learn more about family systems because weddings bring everything together.

You have people attending weddings who normally do not see each other. It brings family together and brings all the characters of the family together.

But it also brings together the reality of humans with sinful natures.

There are many weddings where people haven't seen each other for a long time. In fact, they may have considered not attending the wedding, but because they're family, they come anyway.

All of that comes together.

Family systems thinking—what we might call discernment thinking from a ministry sciences perspective—helps us notice that people are truly connected.

One person's anxiety affects another person's behavior.

A mother's panic may pressure the bride.

A father's silence may affect the groom.

There also could be alcohol issues in a family that show up in a significant way at the wedding.

A divorced couple's unresolved bitterness from the past—even if they've made progress and are in the process of forgiveness—can suddenly be triggered.

A sibling's resentment toward another sibling may come out through sarcasm.

You have to keep your head and sometimes pull someone aside.

Sometimes you simply remind them, "This day is about their happiness," and encourage them and pray for them.

People in families go through betrayals, broken friendships, disappointments, and all kinds of struggles.

All of those things can surface.

The bride and groom, however, are embodied souls before the Lord and before each other.

They are not abstract individuals floating above their family stories.

The bride comes as an organic female image-bearer with a real body, voice, history, and family context.

The groom comes as an organic male image-bearer with a real body, voice, history, and family context.

The covenant will be lived out in real relationships, not in a perfect ceremony photo shoot.

That's why a basic understanding of family systems is important.

The rehearsal is often the first place hidden family tensions become visible.

Someone refuses to walk down the aisle with someone else.

Someone wants to change the order.

Someone challenges the minister's authority.

When that happens—or when somebody challenges you—don't challenge them back.

You can simply say, "Let me talk to the bride about that."

One of the things I often do is establish that the bride is usually directing the wedding story and wedding plans.

A wedding minister may notice tension in the front row, grief in the room, hostility from one side of the family, or nervousness in the couple.

The minister should not publicly expose these things.

The ceremony is not the place to diagnose a family.

It's a place to lead with dignity, prayer, Scripture, and a calm presence.

Family systems can also show up in a hospital room or hospice room.

A chaplain, for instance, may be asked to quickly marry someone because a person is dying.

But the request may include inheritance concerns, adult children's anger, questions about capacity, or unresolved relational pain.

A chaplain must offer spiritual care while respecting institutional policy and civil requirements.

Family systems may show up in a church office.

A church staff minister may meet with a couple and discover that the wedding is being driven by family pressure, pregnancy, immigration fears, financial dependency, or a desire to please parents.

The minister should listen carefully but remember their role.

Here are some helpful phrases.

If you see major family collisions during meetings, you might say:

"I'd like to slow this down a little bit, if that's all right with you."

Sometimes slowing things down helps release some of the pressure coming from those systems.

It may even involve having a genogram conversation—a ministry genogram conversation.

Again, that's something we teach here.

You might ask:

"Would you like to do a genogram family conversation, just to see where everybody fits in for your own growth and understanding?"

They may say no.

They may say yes.

If they say no, but you still have concerns, you may suggest:

"I would love for you to talk with the senior pastor."

Or:

"I'd love for you to talk with a Christian counselor."

Or even:

"I know a great Christian Life Coach Minister you could talk with."

The point is not to put the brakes on unnecessarily.

The point is to be family-systems wise.

If you see a major problem, be thoughtful.

Here are things to avoid.

Don't take sides too quickly.

Slow things down.

Sometimes the first person who tells the story is very persuasive.

I've had situations where someone says:

"I really want to get married, but Jeremy has to break the apron strings with his mother."

Then that person gives a long list of reasons.

While some or all of it may be true, be careful not to automatically take sides.

She may have a trigger around strong women, and regardless of who the mother is, that trigger may still exist.

Jeremy may say:

"She has a connection to her father that's way too strong."

And then he'll provide a list of reasons.

Your role is not to decide who's right.

Your role is to talk about the biblical principle that marriage involves leaving father and mother, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one flesh.

You are not stepping into the lane of premarital therapy.

You are stepping into the lane of premarital counseling.

Premarital counseling means discussing the principle that as you get married, you move from one family role into another role, and that new role becomes your own family.

Understanding family systems informs your premarital counseling and your premarital encouragement.

Family systems are complicated, and you will discover that.

What you don't want is a shallow peace where everyone just avoids conflict.

You do want to have a role in peacemaking.

But you don't want to carry everyone's struggles because family systems discussions can take a lifetime.

Pam and I have been married for over forty years, and it's still fascinating how childhood family experiences can trigger reactions in us.

We're still in process.

As a wedding officiant, you help people begin this lifelong process of love, growth, fidelity, covenant faithfulness, and living out the marriage that God has brought together.