The First Meeting as Discernment, Not Just Planning

Henry Reyenga

So we begin our next topic.

This topic now starts taking the elements of being a wedding officiant and, in a lot of ways, we're now backing up to get into some of the weeds here.

In Advanced Wedding Officiant training, to really do wedding officiant ministry well is to look closely at some of these detailed moments in the wedding officiant process.

So that's what we're going to do now, and we're going to start with dealing with that first meeting.

When you are a wedding officiant, ultimately you have that first meeting, and this first meeting is, in many ways, a discernment meeting.

In many cases, you may not do the wedding after the first meeting because it does not align at all with a Christian wedding officiant.

So this is a discernment meeting.

Or this meeting may become a "slow down" meeting.

"I really don't see that I can, in good conscience, officiate your wedding."

So it's one of those types of discernment meetings.

Today we're going to talk about the first meeting as discernment, not just planning.

Again, this is really different than a one-time wedding officiant who already knows the family and where there are already a lot of things in place.

For that person, the first meeting may simply be:

"Okay, let's talk about what your plan is."

You already know the family systems issues.

You already know that they love each other and love the Lord.

But if you're taking this further, this becomes very important.

Now, if you're a one-time wedding officiant and you really don't know the couple at all, other than that they know you as someone who can do the wedding, I think this applies to you as well.

So let's get down to business.

The first meeting is not merely about planning a wedding date.

It's a discernment moment.

The minister needs to ask about the wedding date, yes.

The location, yes.

The ceremony style, the vows, Scripture, rings, license, rehearsal—those details matter.

But the first meeting also helps the minister understand the bride and groom as organic humans—an organic female and an organic male—and their ability to say yes to a covenant marriage.

That first meeting helps the wedding officiant know where to go from there.

Are they prepared for covenant life?

Or is this only about creating a beautiful event?

Are there signs that the minister should slow down?

Ask more questions?

Involve another leader?

Recommend coaching?

Recommend pastoral care?

Make a referral?

The bride comes as an organic female image-bearer before God.

The groom comes as an organic male image-bearer before God.

They are not merely customers, clients, friends, relatives, or ceremony participants.

They are whole persons preparing to become man and wife, husband and wife, in a covenant marriage.

That means the first meeting should include practical planning, spiritual listening, relational observation, and role clarity.

A good first meeting begins with warmth.

The couple may be nervous.

They may not know what to expect.

They may feel excited, embarrassed, overwhelmed, or unsure.

The minister can create a calm tone by saying something like:

"I'm grateful to meet with you. My goal is to understand your ceremony and your story."

Just think about that.

The ceremony, but also their story.

"How can I serve faithfully within my role as a Christian Wedding Officiant?"

Then clarify the Christian nature of the ceremony.

A Christian wedding minister should not assume that everyone means the same thing when they say "spiritual" or "Christian."

Ask simple questions.

"What does a Christian wedding mean to you?"

"What Scripture or prayer would you like to include?"

"How do you understand the message of covenant before God?"

"What are you hoping all your guests will witness during the ceremony?"

Those questions help the minister listen without being harsh.

Next, listen for the couple's relational patterns.

Do they both speak clearly?

Does one person dominate?

Does one person seem afraid?

Do they interrupt each other with kindness or with contempt?

Do they speak about family pressures honestly?

Do they talk about faith with seriousness or only as decoration?

Do they seem able to make decisions together?

The minister is not diagnosing.

The minister is discerning.

For the one-time officiant, it means confirming your assumptions that all is well and that you can proceed with officiating the wedding.

For the Advanced Ordained Wedding Officiant, it means getting to know them enough to confirm that you can, in good faith, perform the wedding.

For the church staff minister, it means checking all the boxes that give you confidence they can move forward without slowing things down or involving anyone else.

For the chaplain, it is confirmation that everything fits within institutional guidelines.

For the Life Coach Minister, it is about having a comfortable awareness that they are moving forward with a teachable spirit and that there are no major problems requiring referral.

What happens in that first meeting is amazing.

Bring a pad of paper along.

Write things down.

If you have concerns, write them down.

But remember, it's a discernment meeting.

You begin with that discernment meeting.

To me, over the decades of marrying people, I would say that most of the time I'm really impressed.

Things generally go well.

When I see a flagged issue, I can put that on the curriculum for some premarital counseling.

Most of the time, life is a process.

There is a pathway for people to overcome.

Now again, I will give this disclaimer:

There are real issues.

But ordinarily, if people sincerely love the Lord—or even if they sincerely want to seek the Lord—many of those issues can be addressed through counseling and encouragement.

And you can launch people into a wonderful wedding day.