Red Flags That May Need Referral and Help

Henry Reyenga

Yeah, so ordinarily you will find that being a wedding officiant is pretty much a yes-type situation, where, "Oh, I love their story. I love their coming together. This is just beautiful, what God is doing here."

But there are times when there are red flags.

In that first discernment meeting, if it is a really strong red flag, it will often come up right away. Or it may come up in later or subsequent meetings.

But red flags must be recognized as red flags.

They're not just yellow flags.

They are truly red flags.

So today we're going to talk about some of the red flags that may need referral and help.

You may want to slow down and just say, "Hey, I am not trained or prepared to address some of these red flags."

And that's okay.

You don't need to push someone forward and think that marriage solves everything, even some of the huge red flags.

My experience is that if I look back at decades of doing marriages and at how many divorces came out of marriages that I performed—again, marriages that I officiated—I have had a few.

But if I look back honestly, there was often a red flag there.

Especially the early Henry officiant could gloss over some of those red flags.

But they were clear red flags that I think I was hoping, with wishful thinking, would be addressed.

In fact, they were not addressed.

Okay, so that's something to keep in mind.

We're going to go over some of those red flags.

This is not a comprehensive list, but it gives you examples of what a red flag looks like.

So let's talk about some of them.

One red flag is coercive control.

If one person controls the other's phone, money, transportation, friendships, church involvement, or ability to speak freely, the minister should not treat this as normal wedding stress.

If a groom says she needs to learn submission while intimidating the bride, this is not biblical masculinity.

Biblical masculinity is not domination.

The groom is an organic male image-bearer called to Christlike husbandhood, not control.

If the bride appears afraid, voiceless, or erased, the minister must not spiritualize this as submissive femininity.

Biblical femininity is not fearful, silent, or self-erasure.

The bride is an organic female image-bearer with dignity, wisdom, voice, body, and human spirit before God.

Another red flag is abuse or threats.

This includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, stalking, intimidation, threats of self-harm used to control the other person, or threats to cancel the wedding as punishment.

These situations require referral, safety awareness, and slowing things down.

Another red flag is serious addiction or impairment.

If one person is intoxicated during the first meeting, subsequent meetings, the rehearsal, or the ceremony, the minister should not simply proceed.

If the couple says marriage will fix the addiction, the minister may want to slow things down.

Marriage is not a treatment program for alcohol addiction.

Another red flag is severe trauma or a mental health crisis.

A minister can offer prayer and spiritual care, but should not pretend to provide clinical treatment.

If there is crisis-level depression, self-harm risk, psychosis, severe trauma response, or danger, referral is definitely appropriate.

Another red flag is legal confusion.

Is the divorce final?

Is there a custody conflict?

Is the license valid?

Is one party legally able to marry?

Is there a capacity concern in a senior care, hospice, or hospital crisis setting?

The minister should not make legal judgments but should require proper civil verification.

Another red flag is pressure.

Pressure may come from pregnancy, immigration fears, money, parents, church shame, housing security, military deployment, illness, or family expectations.

Pressure does not automatically mean the wedding should not happen, but it means the minister should ask careful questions.

Again, whatever your ministry role is, this applies to you, whether it's a one-time wedding, an officiant practice, a staff minister role, a coaching ministry, or chaplaincy.

The red flags are the red flags.

You know, I've seen various forms of red flags.

One red flag not mentioned would be this:

I remember one time I was the wedding officiant minister at a church, and the bride and groom came to meet with me.

The groom-to-be began by saying that the bride had slept with his best friend.

You know, I just said, "Time out."

Because there were serious issues involved.

In the meeting, the bride said she would never do that again.

But it exposed that there were some serious issues.

In that case, I did slow things down.

The bride and groom ultimately did get married, and it was really beautiful.

Now, again, I look back, and now they have lots of children and have done just fine.

But there was a Christian woman counselor involved.

Essentially, there were red-flag issues that the bride needed to deal with.

Again, I'm going to mix up all the details because confidentiality is very important here.

But she was dealing with abuse issues where sexuality had become very normalized when she was a young teenager.

She didn't necessarily consider sleeping with someone else to mean that she didn't want to marry her husband-to-be.

Without Jesus Christ, she had lived in a pattern where sexuality had become normalized.

She felt shame, but she was confused by the pleasure of it and confused by the abuse connected to it.

This became an issue.

Now, as a minister, you can envision that there were deep issues there.

A godly Christian counselor needed to be involved.

The husband-to-be would help her work through those issues.

Later in life—not two or three decades, but probably two and a half decades later—I had the opportunity to talk with them about that whole situation.

The amazing thing about it was that they had learned how, as embodied humans—male and female—even some of this sinful brokenness had been redeemed in Jesus Christ.

They have a wonderful family.

Do they still have problems?

Do they still struggle?

Yes.

But they are a covenant family.

That would be an example of a red flag where you slow things down.

There are issues here.

We hear a lot about mental health right now.

Those are issues too.

A trusted minister is not someone who simply rushes through things.

You will develop a reputation if you are a wedding officiant who honors God.

I say "basic," but you know what I mean.

A person who honors God, honors the Word of God, is gentle, kind, caring, and truthful about red flags.

People in the community will say:

"Talk to that woman. She is a wedding officiant who is sincere and honest."

"She's not going to let you fail if it's in her power to help."

Or:

"Talk to that guy. He's a person with a good reputation."

Nobody is perfect.

Nobody can claim that, even as ministers.

But as Proverbs says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted."

Sometimes you see a problem, and it's okay to flag it.

Not from the perspective of, "I think you shouldn't get married."

Rather:

"Hey, I see something here that's potentially a red flag for your covenant marriage."

"Potentially."

"I'm not sure."

"I don't know."

"This is your life."

"But it would be really good to explore some of these things."

You may even say:

"You know what? I really see this as such a significant concern that I don't, in good conscience, feel I should be your wedding officiant."

"Maybe it's something that I'm seeing incorrectly."

"But I really want you to be blessed and to move forward well."

I have seen many red-flag issues that, when slowed down a little, become yellow flags and eventually become no flags at all.

But I've also, especially early on, made more mistakes.

Sometimes I can think of situations where I glossed over a red flag and turned it into a yellow flag too quickly.

Again, you're asked to be a wedding officiant.

You're not asked to be the final determiner.

Once you marry someone, here's the truth:

They have agency to live their lives the way they choose.

They can be teachable if they desire to be teachable.

They can be unteachable if they desire to be unteachable.

If they want to go down a red-flag path, even after receiving help, you are not the Savior of the world.

An officiant is not the Savior of the world.

All I'm doing here is offering advanced training so that you can be a blessing where you can be a blessing.

Flag things if you see a real concern.

Do it with sincerity.

But also know that you do not carry the weight of whether a couple you marry stays married.

That is ultimately about them and how they welcome the Lord into their lives.

What you can do is be a sincere leader who seeks to help them grow with each other and with the Lord.