A Conversational Plan for Wedding Meetings

Henry Reyenga

So, when you have that first meeting, or any meeting, I always like having clear intentionality about what my plan is.

Again, plans can change.

So what I'm going to do today is talk about the key questions that are part of maybe that first meeting plan, or another meeting plan.

This applies to every officiant, whether you're a one-timer. Again, the plan for a one-timer is going to be more around the event and planning the event, and you may already know the couple.

Or if you're an Advanced Wedding Officiant, an ordained wedding minister who practices wedding officiant ministry in communities, or whether you're a church minister or chaplain, I think a plan is really good.

So let's talk about a conversational plan.

I love the concept of conversations in ministry.

What I love about ministry—and just to make a little side point—is that a lot can happen in conversations.

We don't have to go into therapy.

We don't have to do a lot of counseling.

If we can just get people conversing, the Holy Spirit does the rest.

And if that conversation happens with a biblical ministry sciences awareness, it's amazing what can happen.

So here's a helpful plan that I have used over the years.

It starts this way:

First, ask, "What are you hoping that I help you with?"

"How can I best serve as your wedding officiant?"

"Are you asking for ceremony planning, spiritual guidance, premarital conversations, coaching, or something else?"

"What does a Christian wedding mean to you?"

This prevents confusion from the beginning.

I love that.

You can almost hear the conversation unfolding.

And I love the evangelistic possibilities that sometimes come from it.

Let me give you an example.

I remember asking a couple, "What do you hope to gain?"

I found out that both of them had been born into the Catholic Church.

Both of them had heard about spirituality in their upbringing.

When I asked that question, an evangelistic moment emerged because the bride-to-be said:

"I hope to find out what it means to be a Christian wife."

Then the groom said:

"I'd love to be a Christian husband."

Okay, now this question turned into an evangelistic moment.

So I responded:

"Would you like to know? I'm a minister. Would you like to know what it means to be a Christian?"

And they both shook their heads yes.

They wanted to know.

So I shared the gospel.

Both of them, right there, came to know the Lord.

They prayed a prayer of dedication and surrender.

It became the seed from which a lot of counseling and life transformation occurred.

They were walking in a way that, by biblical standards, was worldly.

But they were both unhappy.

Both of them were living in an open sexual relationship involving other people, and somehow thought they could get married.

Both of them were chasing big dreams.

Even though they were experiencing a lot of worldly pleasure, alcohol, drugs, and all of that, they both felt empty.

This was a community contact where somebody wanted to use our church for a wedding.

We had a program where it was possible to use the church, but you had to meet with the minister first.

That was one example.

In that case, the opening question was amazing.

It opened the door for them eventually to become members of our church.

This couple did become members of our church after they became Christians.

So the first question is:

"What does a Christian ceremony mean to you?"

"What does a Christian wedding look like to you?"

That's the first question.

The second step is to find out their story.

Ask:

"When did your relationship begin?"

"What drew you toward marriage?"

"What have you already learned about each other?"

"What do you believe God is calling you to build together?"

As you listen, remember that the bride and groom are embodied souls.

The bride comes as an organic female image-bearer before God.

The groom comes as an organic male image-bearer before God.

They bring bodies, histories, families, desires, fears, wounds, spiritual habits, and hopes into covenant preparation.

This helps you start discerning how to bless them.

Third, explore covenant readiness.

This does not mean testing the couple with harsh suspicion.

It means helping them think clearly.

Ask about faith, church connection, prayer, forgiveness, communication, family boundaries, finances, sexuality, children, conflict, and expectations.

A question for the groom might be:

"What does Christlike husbandhood require of you?"

Or:

"What do you think about that?"

A good question for the bride might be:

"What does faithful Christian wifehood require or mean to you?"

A question for both might be:

"What patterns do you want to leave behind before entering this marriage?"

In a sense, this is where family systems thinking begins to come into play.

Fourth, identify next steps.

A conversation should not end with vague feelings only.

It should produce a faithful next step.

That step might be completing ceremony planning.

It might be scheduling another meeting.

It might be taking the Christian Marriage Growth Course.

We have a Christian Marriage Growth Course here at Christian Leaders Institute.

You may hear something that tells you they need to learn more about Christian marriage.

Maybe refer them to the free Christian Marriage Growth Course to help them think through issues they may not have considered.

A lot of people think they know what Christian marriage is, but they've never really explored it.

This is a great opportunity.

In some ways, you have a tremendous opportunity as a Christian wedding officiant because people are excited about the wedding.

At the same time, this is an entirely new experience for them.

Or if they have been divorced and are getting married again, they may be feeling a little panic.

"What did I do wrong?"

Getting them into a marriage growth course can be very helpful.

Especially since Christian Leaders Institute offers these courses for free.

It creates a great opportunity for people.

So identify the next step.

Fifth, know when to stop and when to refer.

If abuse, coercive control, serious addiction, severe trauma, mental health crisis, legal confusion, safety concerns, child concerns, or danger appear, the wedding officiant must not simply continue under normal preparation.

Also remember that each state has reporting requirements.

Finding out what those reporting requirements are is very important.

For instance, child abuse is a reporting requirement for ministers in most places.

If you encounter something like that—and I can't say that I've encountered much of it in forty years, so I'm not saying you'll run into these situations all the time—but I have encountered some situations where reporting requirements applied.

As an ordained minister, confidentiality is important, but confidentiality has limits when reporting requirements exist.

The same applies to issues involving suicide risk and similar concerns.

Again, don't become a ministry conspiracy theorist looking for problems under every rock.

Just understand that there may be times when you'll face situations where you need help.

Notice the red flags.

Stay in the conversation.

Be part of the discernment process.

But in the end, I still go back to this:

The Lord will lead.

The Word of God is the Word of God.

Sincere people do move forward.

And as a sincere wedding officiant, you can be the catalyst for so much happiness.