Coaching Conversations for Covenant Readiness

Henry Reyenga

So today we're going to talk about coaching conversations for covenant readiness.

Again, this could apply to a one-time wedding officiant, a chaplain, a staff minister, a senior pastor, or another minister.

I just love the coaching style, and it applies in a really practical way to those getting married.

So, a Life Coach Minister may ask, as you're having your meeting—this may even be the first meeting, or it might be another meeting.

In fact, in the first meeting, if you are a Life Coach Minister, or even if you're not, you may say:

"Hey, I'd like to use a Life Coach Minister style in our counseling. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a professional counselor. I'm a minister. So this is a form of pastoral care, so to speak, but it's not purely understood as pastoral care in the traditional sense. This is pastoral care through the eyes of a coaching vision. Would you like that?"

A lot of times people will say yes because they understand coaching.

They understand that coaching is about helping them have the agency to step forward.

So a Life Coach Minister might ask:

• What brought you two together?

• What do you admire in each other?

• What is most exciting to you about becoming married?

• What are you most nervous about?

• What have you not talked about yet?

• What does Christian marriage mean to each of you?

• What kind of home do you want to build before God?

These questions may help the couple slow down and discover how they can build a wonderful marriage in the Lord.

Many engaged couples are moving fast.

They're making decisions, spending money, managing expectations, and trying to keep everyone happy.

Underneath the planning, they may be carrying fear, insecurity, family pressure, sexual desire, financial stress, and unresolved wounds.

The Life Coach Minister brings these matters to light with wisdom and grace.

So I'm going to give you what I believe are the key categories a Life Coach Minister brings into this relationship—the key categories of questions.

First, you're a minister, and you're going to be interested in spiritual habits.

Will the bride and groom pray together?

Will they worship together?

Will they study Scripture?

Will they connect in a church or Christian community?

Even if you're coaching what you would refer to as a client, is there an aspiration to take more steps toward the people of God and toward prayer?

A lot of times, over the years, even with people from the community, I will give them a simple devotion.

I'm surprised how many will actually begin walking with the Lord.

One thing I also do—and I would recommend this as a Life Coach Minister—is pray.

Ministers pray, and they pray with people.

That is something I would strongly consider.

Second is communication.

How do they listen?

How do they interact?

How do they interrupt each other?

Is there contempt?

How do they repair after conflict?

How do they speak when they are tired, disappointed, or hurt?

Third is conflict itself.

What happens when one withdraws and the other pursues?

What happens when anger arises?

What will they do before resentment grows?

Fourth is family expectations.

How involved will parents be?

What boundaries are needed?

What about holidays, money, caregiving, and family traditions?

How will those things be handled?

Fifth is embodied covenant life.

Marriage includes the whole person.

The bride and groom are embodied souls.

Their sexual expectations, affections, rest, health, fertility hopes, and physical presence all matter.

Sixth is future growth.

What will they do after the wedding to keep growing?

Will they take the Christian Marriage Growth Course?

Will they meet with mentors?

Will they develop a marriage rule of life?

A coaching conversation is about actions.

Will it produce actions?

Not pressure.

Not shame.

Not vague promises.

Actions.

You know, I have coached in ministry contexts for decades, and I have realized that coaching combined with pastoral care, combined with spiritual consent and respect, is very powerful.

These are the topics that matter.

When I meet with someone, I often give little assignments and action steps.

One thing I have noticed is that if you're action-oriented and they don't follow through on any of the actions you agree upon, that's a yellow flag—and maybe even a red flag for conducting the wedding, especially if you see it right away.

Sometimes what they really want is simply a justice of the peace.

In that case, they should just go down to the courthouse and have a justice of the peace perform the ceremony without preparation.

You're a minister.

Never forget that.

Even if you're a life coach, you are still a Life Coach Minister.

And minister is different from being simply a life coach without the responsibilities of ministry.

You are a minister—a confidential minister called by God to serve God's people.