Remarriage: Couples Need More Than a Ceremony

Henry Reyenga

Today we're going to talk about remarriage: couples need more than a ceremony.

This is often one of those tricky places for an Advanced Wedding Officiant.

As we talk about wedding officiant practice, if you continue to do this beyond one wedding, you will encounter people of different ages and backgrounds who would like you to perform their ceremony.

Remember, as an officiant, you are a minister.

When someone who wants to remarry comes to you, that presents a different set of situations and challenges.

So, what is remarriage about?

Well, if someone has gone through a divorce—one or both of them—what can happen is that their point of reference is still tied to those past relationships.

I saw this often when I was first entering ministry.

This situation became increasingly common, where someone who was divorced wanted to remarry.

As a minister at a local church, I officiated weddings, and people would come and ask:

"Will you marry us?"

I remember those early days.

I can still see the faces.

We would have that first meeting, and the first meeting often had very little to do with the current couple.

It had everything to do with her previous marriage, his previous spouse, and issues unrelated to the new wedding itself.

I remember struggling with that.

I called in helpers and ministers who had more experience.

I consulted Christian counselors, who referred me to many resources.

I was also wrestling with the concept of whether someone who remarries is living in continual adultery.

I was trying to learn how that worked theologically.

So I read, studied, and reflected, and I came to the following conclusions.

First of all, if someone comes to you—and I present this as my own biblical assessment of a situation you will likely face if you perform more than one wedding—you will encounter remarriage situations.

Here is where I have come down theologically based upon my own biblical inquiry.

I invite you to take your own journey and study these matters for yourself.

We read passages in Scripture that speak about divorce and remarriage in ways that raise questions about continual adultery.

At the same time, Jesus teaches about the unforgivable sin, the sin against the Holy Spirit.

Traditionally, we understand that sin as willful unbelief—a heart that wants no part of God.

So, in some sense, someone who remarries is not necessarily living in continual adultery.

If their past is truly in the past, and the previous marriage has died because of sin, and that divorce has been brought into the sea of forgiveness, then through pastoral care and healing, it is entirely possible for someone to remarry.

But here is the caveat.

If the previous marriage ends in divorce and the marriage dies, but they never bury it—if it still dominates their emotional world—then their point of reference remains in the past.

I believe that can become a form of continual emotional adultery.

If they remain fixated on the emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, habits, or communication patterns of the previous marriage, and those things continue to define the new relationship, then the new marriage never truly becomes its own covenant.

I've heard people say things like:

"We were good together."

"We had great chemistry."

Or they constantly compare the new spouse to the former spouse.

In those situations, the previous marriage continues to function as the emotional, relational, or sexual point of reference.

I believe that trends toward what Scripture describes as continual adultery.

You want to marry someone else, but emotionally, relationally, or spiritually you remain tied to someone from the past.

So if you're a minister and someone asks you to perform their wedding ceremony, and you have that first meeting, it doesn't take long to ask some important questions.

You might say:

"Tell me your story."

As you listen, you may hear whether they are truly moving forward or still trapped in the past.

Bitterness itself can sometimes be evidence that a person is still emotionally married to the previous relationship.

A person who is ready to move forward takes responsibility for their role in the previous marriage.

They seek forgiveness.

They offer forgiveness.

They take responsibility for growth.

They intentionally shift their focus from the past toward the new person they are preparing to marry.

They love the new person for who that person is—not because that person is different from the previous spouse.

This helps me understand why Scripture speaks so strongly about these issues.

I believe many people remarry serially while remaining emotionally connected to previous relationships.

Their present relationship is still being filtered through the lens of former relationships.

Sometimes even relationships from many years ago continue to shape the present.

It's somewhat like the Samaritan woman Jesus spoke to, where relationship patterns continued across multiple marriages.

As a wedding officiant, you may encounter situations like this.

Without becoming a therapist or counselor, there are questions you can ask:

"Do you feel that you've forgiven your previous spouse?"

"Do you feel free from bitterness?"

"Are you fully committed to building a future with this new person?"

Why ask these questions?

Because you want the new marriage to thrive.

You want the new covenant to become the primary relationship rather than allowing the previous marriage to remain the emotional point of reference.

As you minister to people, this becomes a prayerful opportunity to help someone look forward while bringing their past into the sea of forgiveness.

It becomes an opportunity to help them forgive a former spouse, take responsibility for their own part in the breakdown of the marriage, and move toward healing.

This is a complicated topic in evangelical circles.

I'm being transparent about how I have personally worked through it theologically.

You can read other theologians and Christian leaders who come to different conclusions.

I'm not saying this is the only way to understand these passages.

I'm simply sharing how I have grappled with them.

So when I am marrying someone who is entering a remarriage, I am looking for signs of spiritual care and healing.

Has forgiveness happened?

Is bitterness still present?

Do they genuinely want to be fully committed to this new spouse?

Are they all-in on the person they are about to marry?

The same kinds of questions can arise with widows and widowers.

Sometimes someone wants to remarry, but their emotional point of reference remains so strongly connected to their deceased spouse that it becomes difficult to move forward.

Other times, I've seen widows and widowers remarry beautifully.

They maintain a precious place in their hearts for their former spouse while fully embracing the opportunity to build something new.

These are the kinds of issues you will encounter later in life with widows, widowers, and those who have experienced divorce.

My personal belief, theological reflection, and ministry sciences reflection is that God loves to see people set free from bitterness and emotional bondage.

When healing has occurred and the point of reference has shifted toward the future, I believe people can be encouraged to find love again and remarry in the Lord.

And when that happens, it can become a powerful testimony of what God can do.