Widowhood, Blended Families, Children, Ex-Spouses, and Grief

Henry Reyenga

Today we're going to talk about widowhood, blended families, children, ex-spouses, and grief.

Last time, we were really setting up this discussion. We talked about how to be free from someone's past and move forward into remarriage or marriage after widowhood.

The first thing that usually comes up is that if someone does move forward, there are often previous relationships that are still part of the picture.

When you're dealing with a 19-year-old and a 20-year-old getting married for the first time, you typically do not have all of these additional relational considerations.

When widows remarry, for instance, they often have children and grandchildren. In many cases, estates have been developed, especially in Western nations and among people who have done well financially. That is its own category.

But even among those who have not done as well financially, there are preexisting relationships.

If a spouse dies and the surviving spouse seeks to remarry, some of those considerations become part of the officiant's role.

One thing that can often be suggested by the wedding officiant is a certain level of appropriate transparency.

Sometimes couples want to move into avoidance and not deal with the reality that people may approve or disapprove of the relationship.

You can encourage them to have confident boundaries.

If one relationship ended because of death and another relationship begins, encourage them to address the previous relationships that are already there in a sincere and honest way, while also moving forward with their lives.

We see this when people are young and lose a spouse in an accident. There can be a tremendous amount of guilt and shame that has to be dealt with.

They may think:

"Maybe I could have helped."

"Maybe something is wrong with me."

Or perhaps a spouse dies by suicide, and now the surviving spouse has to carry that burden.

Then, later, the love of his or her life may enter the picture, and they ask you to perform the wedding.

Just know that there will often be issues.

Sometimes the surviving spouse of a suicide victim is dealing with intense guilt and needs a prayerful release.

Many times, they overexamine what they could have done and what they could not have done.

The future spouse often needs grace and patience to walk through that journey with them.

At some point, if it becomes too intense, referral for additional help may be appropriate.

In blended families, sometimes two divorced people come together, each with children.

If they get married, those families are being blended together.

Often there are visitation issues, which can make things complicated.

As a wedding officiant, you can encourage conversation around these topics.

Let's talk about the plan.

Let's talk about visitation.

Let's talk about how they feel regarding the role of the children in the upcoming wedding.

These are important matters to consider.

How are the children being prepared for the wedding?

Talk about that.

Are they being forced into it?

Do they not want it?

Many times, children may secretly wish that Mom and Dad will get back together.

If the remarriage occurs, that can feel like the end of that dream.

That is understandable.

Go slowly.

Be open and transparent.

There may be seasons of confusion and emotional difficulty.

The couple does not need to convince everyone.

They do not need to overexplain, overtalk, or overprove their relationship.

At the same time, they need to continue caring for the feelings of the children while establishing healthy boundaries as a new couple.

Things can also become complicated with ex-spouses.

The minister should not become a messenger, mediator, or legal advisor.

I've seen situations where someone is preparing to remarry, and the ex-spouse calls me as the minister and begins discussing co-parenting issues.

What can happen is that the minister gets drawn into a triangulation situation.

This is where wisdom and boundaries become important.

You may simply need to say:

"That issue is between you and your former spouse."

Someone may ask:

"Do they still love each other?"

Many times, they do not.

They have moved on.

However, co-parenting responsibilities and related issues can still find their way into the officiant's conversations.

This is where wisdom, boundaries, and confidentiality become very important.

Confidentiality in remarriage situations is especially important because emotional situations can become complicated quickly.

It is easy for a minister to say something that does not seem confidential, only to have it later used as leverage in custody disputes or family conflicts.

So understand that when you are meeting with remarriage candidates, things are often more complicated.

Last time we talked about whether their point of reference is moving forward and whether forgiveness has occurred.

This time we are talking about how complex these situations can become.

Study these realities through the lens of ministry sciences and consider the role you can play in best serving and loving all parties involved.