📝 Worksheet 6.4: Pre-Marriage Conversation and Referral Awareness Worksheet

Purpose of This Worksheet

This worksheet helps the Wedding Minister prepare for a thoughtful pre-marriage conversation with the bride and groom.

The goal is not to act as a licensed counselor, therapist, attorney, or abuse specialist. The goal is to listen, ask wise questions, clarify covenant readiness, notice concerns, and determine the next faithful step.

A wedding officiant leads the ceremony. A Wedding Minister serves the covenant.

Part 1: Basic Couple Information

Bride’s Name

Groom’s Name

Wedding Date

Wedding Location

Civil Jurisdiction Where the Wedding Will Occur

City / County / State / Country:

Church, Soul Center, or Ministry Context

Wedding Minister Name

Part 2: Opening Posture

Before meeting with the couple, review these commitments.

Check each box before the conversation.

☐ I will listen before advising.
☐ I will serve both bride and groom, not just the person I know best.
☐ I will treat the couple as embodied souls before God.
☐ I will honor the bride as an organic female image-bearer.
☐ I will honor the groom as an organic male image-bearer.
☐ I will not use stereotypes about men or women.
☐ I will remember that biblical masculinity is not domination.
☐ I will remember that biblical femininity is not fearful silence.
☐ I will provide spiritual care within my role.
☐ I will not pretend to be a licensed counselor, attorney, therapist, or abuse specialist.
☐ I will slow down or refer when needed.

Part 3: Opening Conversation

Suggested Opening Words

“Thank you for inviting me into this important season. Before we talk only about ceremony details, I would like to hear your story and learn how you are preparing for Christian marriage. My role is to serve the covenant, not merely the ceremony.”

My personalized opening:

Part 4: Their Story

How did you meet?

What drew you to each other?

When did you begin discerning marriage?

Why are you seeking a Christian wedding ceremony?

What do you hope your ceremony communicates?

Part 5: Faith and Church Life

Questions to Ask

1. What role does Jesus Christ have in your relationship?

2. Do you pray together?

3. Do you read Scripture or discuss faith together?

4. Are you connected to a local church?

5. How will you worship after the wedding?

6. Who will spiritually support your marriage?

7. Would Christian Marriage Growth or another formation pathway help you?

Notes

What I am noticing spiritually:

Part 6: Communication

Questions to Ask

1. How do you communicate when you are disappointed?

2. Do either of you avoid hard conversations?

3. Do either of you tend to interrupt, withdraw, explode, or shut down?

4. Can both of you speak freely in this relationship?

5. How do you apologize?

6. How do you repair after hurt?

Notes

What I am noticing relationally:

Part 7: Conflict

Questions to Ask

1. What was your last serious disagreement about?

2. How did you handle it?

3. What usually happens when one of you is angry?

4. Do either of you use silence, pressure, threats, sarcasm, or spiritual language to win?

5. Do you feel safe disagreeing with each other?

6. What would need to change before marriage?

Notes

Possible concerns:

Part 8: Family Background and Outside Pressure

Questions to Ask

1. What did you learn about marriage from your family?

2. What patterns do you want to repeat?

3. What patterns do you want to leave behind?

4. How do your families feel about this marriage?

5. Are parents, children, former spouses, or extended family members creating pressure?

6. How will you leave and join in a healthy way?

Notes

Family-system concerns:

Part 9: Finances

Questions to Ask

1. Have you discussed income, debt, savings, and spending habits?

2. Are there any financial secrets?

3. How will you budget?

4. How will you make large financial decisions?

5. How will you practice generosity?

6. Are there legal or financial issues requiring qualified help?

Notes

Referral needed?

☐ No
☐ Maybe
☐ Yes

If yes or maybe, explain:

Part 10: Sexuality and Embodied Covenant

This topic should be handled reverently, not crudely or invasively.

Questions to Ask Carefully

1. Have you talked about sexual expectations in marriage?

2. Are there fears, wounds, shame, or confusion that need care?

3. Has pornography affected either of you?

4. Are there past sexual relationships that still carry emotional or spiritual weight?

5. Do you understand sexual intimacy as sacred within covenant?

6. Would pastoral care or qualified counseling be wise before the wedding?

Notes

Important boundary reminder:

If there is sexual trauma, coercion, abuse, addiction, betrayal, or deep shame, the Wedding Minister should refer to qualified pastoral or professional care.

Part 11: Covenant Readiness

Ask the Bride

Do you feel free, peaceful, and ready to enter this marriage covenant?

Ask the Groom

Do you feel free, peaceful, and ready to enter this marriage covenant?

Ask Both

What still needs attention before the wedding?

What would help you begin marriage with greater honesty, faith, and trust?

Part 12: Red-Flag Awareness

Check any concerns that appear during the conversation.

☐ One person appears afraid to speak.
☐ One person dominates the conversation.
☐ One person pressures the other to continue.
☐ There is unresolved betrayal.
☐ There is repeated severe conflict.
☐ There is verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual, or financial abuse.
☐ There is untreated addiction.
☐ There is pornography bondage that is hidden or minimized.
☐ There is major financial secrecy.
☐ There is family pressure controlling the couple.
☐ There is unresolved divorce or remarriage complexity.
☐ There are custody, estate, immigration, or legal issues.
☐ The couple refuses meaningful preparation.
☐ The couple wants a Christian-looking ceremony without Christian covenant substance.
☐ There is confusion about the marriage license or civil requirements.
☐ Other: ______________________________________

Red flags I need to take seriously:

Part 13: Next Faithful Step

Based on this conversation, what is the next faithful step?

☐ Proceed with normal wedding preparation.
☐ Schedule another pre-marriage conversation.
☐ Recommend Christian Marriage Growth.
☐ Recommend marriage mentoring.
☐ Consult the senior pastor or ministry supervisor.
☐ Refer to licensed counseling.
☐ Refer to pastoral counseling.
☐ Refer to a financial professional.
☐ Refer to a legal professional.
☐ Verify civil requirements with the proper authority.
☐ Pause ceremony preparation.
☐ Decline to officiate with grace.
☐ Other: ______________________________________

My next step:

Part 14: Referral Plan

Pastoral referral

Name / Contact:

Licensed counseling referral

Name / Contact:

Marriage mentor referral

Name / Contact:

Civil office contact

Name / Contact:

Legal or financial referral, if needed

Name / Contact:

Crisis or abuse referral, if needed

Name / Contact:

Part 15: Sample Referral Language

When counseling is needed

“I care about you too much to pretend this is simple. This issue deserves more help than I can provide alone. I recommend that you meet with a qualified counselor before we continue moving toward the ceremony.”

When pastoral oversight is needed

“This is important enough that I believe we should involve the senior pastor or an appropriate ministry supervisor. That is not to shame you, but to serve you wisely.”

When civil questions arise

“This course and my role provide ministry support, not legal advice. We need to verify this with the proper civil authority where the wedding will occur.”

My personalized referral phrase:

Part 16: Ceremony Readiness

Are Scripture, prayer, Christian vows, covenant language, and blessing welcome in the ceremony?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ Unclear

Does the couple understand Christian marriage as covenant before God?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ Unclear

Does the couple appear ready to make vows freely and truthfully?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ Unclear

Are there unresolved concerns that may affect whether I can officiate with integrity?

☐ No
☐ Maybe
☐ Yes

Explain:

Part 17: Wedding Minister Self-Check

Before making a final decision, answer honestly.

Am I feeling pressured by the couple, family, venue, timeline, or my own desire to help?

Am I trying to rescue the couple?

Am I avoiding a hard conversation because I want to keep peace?

Am I staying within my role?

Do I need counsel before proceeding?

Part 18: Scripture Reflection

Proverbs 18:13 WEB

“He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.”

How does this verse guide my listening?

James 1:19 WEB

“So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

How does this verse guide my tone?

Matthew 7:24 WEB

“Everyone therefore who hears these words of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man, who built his house on a rock.”

How does this verse guide the couple’s preparation?

Part 19: Final Decision Notes

At this stage, I believe the next step is:

☐ Continue preparation.
☐ Continue preparation with additional meetings.
☐ Continue preparation with pastoral oversight.
☐ Continue preparation only after qualified counseling begins.
☐ Pause preparation.
☐ Decline to officiate.
☐ I need counsel before deciding.

Reason:

Closing Prayer

Lord Jesus,
Help me serve this bride and groom with truth and grace. Give me wisdom to listen before speaking, courage to ask what matters, humility to know my limits, and love to refer when needed. Help me serve the covenant, not merely the ceremony. Amen.

My prayer: