Pre-Marriage Ministry Conversations

Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga, founder of Christian Leaders Institute and a wedding officiant minister.

I've been performing weddings for over 40 years, and I love this opportunity.

People will come to you for different reasons.

Now, if you're a wedding officiant who does not offer pastoral care, please still look through this material.

You may still be called to have some of these conversations.

You may be asked to officiate a wedding where there has been no marriage preparation, no premarital discussion, and no meeting that talks specifically about some of the things that help a marriage thrive.

As a Christian, you have a voice and an opinion about what makes a marriage work.

In this session, we're going to talk about Pre-Marriage Ministry Sessions.

We call them ministry sessions because they are really ministry conversations.

When I say ministry sessions, premarital counseling, or ministry conversations, I'm referring to discussions about Christian marriage.

From a Christian Leaders Institute perspective, we're talking about conversations.

We are not setting the expectation that you are a therapist.

We are not setting the expectation that you are a licensed marriage counselor.

That expectation is too high.

We're simply saying:

"Would you like to have some premarital sessions, counseling conversations, or ministry conversations about Christian marriage?"

Spiritual Connection

The first area of conversation is spiritual.

Many times, a wedding officiant is brought into a situation where one person is really walking with the Lord while the other person is more culturally Christian and isn't quite sure what that means.

Sometimes both individuals have taken an initial step toward faith, but have not gone much further.

Part of premarital ministry is talking about that.

Ask questions such as:

• Do you both identify as Christians?

• What does Christianity mean to you?

• Do you want to know more about what following Christ means?

I've had opportunities during these conversations to lead a future husband or wife to the Lord.

Sometimes both individuals become interested in hearing the Gospel.

That's an amazing privilege.

As a Christian wedding officiant, I explain that marriage involves two souls coming together.

People often ask:

"What's a soul?"

A soul is both spiritual and physical.

Marriage brings together two spiritual and physical beings in covenant.

Because marriage is spiritual, it is important to invite God into the relationship.

Research consistently shows that couples who pray together experience significantly stronger marriages.

Part of premarital ministry is asking:

• Do you want prayer to be part of your marriage?

• Do you want Scripture to be part of your marriage?

• Do you want church involvement to be part of your life together?

Talk about the benefits of a spiritual connection with God and how that affects marriage.

I often use the familiar triangle illustration:

There is the husband.

There is the wife.

And there is God.

As both husband and wife move closer to God, they naturally move closer to one another.

I also ask:

"Do you have any spiritual habits?"

Most people respond:

"I'm not sure what you mean."

Sometimes I'll give them a devotional.

One resource I often recommend is our Cup of Connection: Song of Songs Devotional.

It's only about three minutes per day and focuses on marital intimacy and spiritual connection.

Sometimes a gentle encouragement like that is all it takes.

Christian Worldview and Covenant

The next area is the Christian worldview of marriage.

Marriage is not merely private romance.

It is not merely companionship.

At its core, marriage is a covenant.

It is a promise.

A powerful promise.

A promise that says:

"Till death do us part."

Marriage means having each other's backs in better or worse, richer or poorer, and through every circumstance of life.

Teach that marriage is:

• A lifelong relationship

• A lifelong learning process

• A lifelong covenant of love and fidelity

Marriage requires:

• Humility

• Curiosity

• Repentance

• Patience

• Growth

Marriage is transformational.

God uses marriage to reveal selfishness.

He deepens patience.

He teaches forgiveness.

He forms Christlike character.

I often explain that marriage allows two people to truly see one another.

Even the flaws.

Even the wounds.

Even the weaknesses.

Yet through covenant, healing and transformation can occur.

Marriage becomes the one place where two people can count on each other through life.

Marriage is about becoming one flesh.

Spiritually and physically.

It's about God's design.

Marriage existed before the Fall.

Before sin entered the world, marriage already existed.

I often explain how God designed an organic man and an organic woman for this covenant.

Marriage involves companionship, intimacy, friendship, pleasure, and partnership.

When people are all-in on the covenant, God's design supports them.

Spiritual Practices

Not only do we discuss spiritual beliefs, but we also encourage spiritual practices.

Devotions.

Prayer.

Worship.

Scripture reading.

Sometimes all it takes is a gentle invitation.

Communication Skills

Another essential premarital topic is communication.

Ask questions like:

• Do you both feel heard?

• How do you handle disagreements?

• Where can you grow in communication?

Talk about:

• Listening

• Understanding

• Clarifying expectations

• Asking good questions

• Disagreeing without destroying trust

James teaches:

"Let every person be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."

Many marriage conflicts are not actually about the issue being discussed.

Often, underneath the disagreement is the feeling:

"You're not listening to me."

Communication is one of the most important areas of premarital ministry.

Share your own experiences when appropriate.

Help them understand that healthy communication is learned.

Emotional Maturity

Marriage requires emotional maturity.

Ask questions such as:

• Are you honest about your emotions?

• Do you feel safe being known by one another?

• Are you growing in contentment?

• Do you appreciate your differences?

People do not automatically become emotionally healthy simply because they get married.

Marriage does not magically remove:

• Insecurity

• Fear

• Anger

• Shame

• Loneliness

• Past wounds

In fact, marriage often reveals what is already there.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

"I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."

Contentment is both a spiritual and emotional strength.

A deeply discontent person may place impossible expectations on marriage.

When You See Serious Problems

Sometimes you may observe serious issues.

For example:

• Abuse

• Severe depression

• Emotional manipulation

• Clinical concerns

• Significant relationship dysfunction

One important skill for a wedding officiant is the art of referral.

You are not expected to fix everything.

You are expected to recognize when additional help is needed.

You may gently say:

"I've noticed some patterns that concern me."

"Would you be willing to seek additional support before moving forward?"

This may involve:

• A pastor

• A Christian counselor

• A therapist

• A life coach

• Another qualified ministry leader

We care about their spiritual well-being.

We care about their communication.

We care about their emotional health.

But we must also stay within our lane.

Grace and Forgiveness

Every marriage needs grace skills.

Ask questions like:

• Are you ready to forgive one another?

• Are you ready to ask for forgiveness?

Many couples laugh and say:

"We haven't really had many arguments."

But eventually conflict comes.

One thing I teach is how to apologize correctly.

Not:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Instead:

"I was wrong."

"I am sorry."

"Please forgive me."

Those words matter.

Marriage joins two fallen human beings together.

Forgiveness and repentance become daily skills.

Jesus taught us to pray:

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

A couple that does not know how to forgive becomes fragile.

A couple that learns grace becomes strong.

Encourage them to practice simple phrases:

• I was wrong.

• I am sorry.

• Please forgive me.

• I forgive you.

• Let's pray about this.

Practical Household Skills

Discuss practical life.

Ask questions such as:

• Who cooks?

• Who cleans?

• How do you handle laundry?

• How do you handle clutter?

• How do you approach employment?

• How do you divide household responsibilities?

• How do you make financial decisions?

These questions may not sound spiritual.

But they matter.

Many marriage conflicts revolve around:

• Dishes

• Bills

• Schedules

• Laundry

• Employment

• Expectations

• Exhaustion

Practical life is spiritual life.

Romance and Intimacy

A Christian premarital ministry session should address intimacy.

Ask questions such as:

• Are you committed to growing romance throughout your marriage?

• Can you talk honestly and respectfully about sexual intimacy?

• How will you grow in tenderness and communication?

Handle the topic respectfully.

Some people feel embarrassed.

Others carry shame, trauma, pornography exposure, or unrealistic expectations.

You do not need to become graphic.

But you should not treat intimacy as dirty or unimportant.

Hebrews teaches:

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled."

Sexual intimacy is a gift from God.

It is protected by covenant.

It is strengthened by love.

It grows through:

• Trust

• Tenderness

• Communication

• Patience

• Faithfulness

I often recommend our Cup of Connection: Song of Songs Study as a helpful resource.

Parenting and Family Formation

Not every couple will have children.

Some may already have children.

Some may become step-parents.

Some may not be able to have children.

Still, parenting should be discussed.

Ask questions like:

• Do you hope to have children?

• How were you parented?

• What did your parents do well?

• What would you do differently?

• How will faith be part of your home?

Discuss parenting philosophies.

Talk about discipline.

Talk about consistency.

Children need clarity.

When parents constantly undermine one another, children become confused.

Ultimately, parenting is about helping children:

• Love God

• Love others

• Develop confidence

• Develop humility

• Discover their calling

Shared Calling and Kingdom Impact

Finally, talk about calling.

Marriage is not merely about personal happiness.

It is also about God's purposes.

Priscilla and Aquila are powerful examples of a married couple serving together.

Acts 18 describes how they worked alongside Paul and later helped instruct Apollos more accurately in the faith.

Marriage can become ministry.

My wife Pam and I have spent years serving together.

Marriage includes all the things we've discussed today.

But it can also become a platform for serving others.

Final Thoughts

These are the major topics I recommend covering in premarital ministry conversations.

We provide a worksheet to help guide those discussions.

Most wedding officiants have limited time.

Sometimes you may only have one meeting.

That's okay.

Introduce these topics.

Plant seeds.

Help couples begin important conversations.

If you encounter major concerns such as abuse, suicidal thoughts, severe depression, or significant dysfunction, slow things down and encourage additional support.

One of the differences between instant online ordination and Christian ministry training is that Christian wedding officiants are equipped to have these ministry conversations.

If you are called to be a Christian wedding officiant, you are called to develop these basic ministry skills and make them part of your repertoire of service.