Case Study 3.3: When Denise Wanted the Coach to Decide for Her
Case Study 3.3: When Denise Wanted the Coach to Decide for Her
Course: Become a Soul Coach
Topic 3: What Is a Soul Coach?
Narrative Ministry Story
Denise came to the Soul Coaching conversation tired, discouraged, and spiritually confused.
She was fifty-two years old, active in her church, faithful in attendance, and known as someone who served whenever asked. She helped with meals, children’s ministry, prayer gatherings, and special events. People saw her as dependable.
But inside, Denise felt exhausted.
Her adult daughter had recently moved back home after a painful breakup. Denise’s husband was frustrated by the tension in the house. Her elderly mother needed more rides to appointments. Her church had asked her to lead another ministry team. At work, Denise’s supervisor had hinted that she might be given more responsibility.
Everyone wanted something from her.
Denise sat across from Rachel, a Soul Coach in training, and sighed.
“I need you to tell me what to do,” Denise said. “I cannot think anymore. Should I lead the church team? Should I tell my daughter she has to move out? Should I quit my job? Should I make my mother find someone else to drive her? I am tired of being the one who has to decide.”
Rachel felt the weight of the moment. Denise looked worn down. Her eyes were red. Her shoulders were tight. Her words came quickly, as if she had been carrying them for weeks.
Rachel wanted to help. She also wanted Denise to feel relief. A list of possible answers began forming in Rachel’s mind.
Denise continued.
“You are trained for this, right? Just tell me what God wants. I will do it.”
That sentence made Rachel pause.
She remembered that a Soul Coach is not an answer machine, not a controller, and not a replacement for the Holy Spirit. Denise was not asking only for wisdom. She was trying to hand over responsibility.
Rachel spoke gently.
“Denise, I care about you, and I can hear how overwhelmed you are. I do not think it would be wise for me to take over your decisions. But I can help you slow down, listen, pray, and discern one faithful next step.”
Denise looked disappointed.
“So you will not tell me what to do?”
Rachel answered, “I may offer perspective if you want it, but I do not want to pretend I can own your life before God. You are a living soul before him. You matter too much for me to control your choices.”
Denise was quiet.
Rachel asked, “Would it be helpful if we first named the areas where you feel the most pressure?”
Denise nodded.
Together they listed the pressures: daughter, husband, mother, church, work, body, emotions, spiritual dryness.
Rachel noticed that Denise’s struggle was not only a scheduling problem. It involved identity, boundaries, family story, emotional exhaustion, communication, calling, and spiritual practice.
Rachel asked, “When you think about all these responsibilities, what do you believe you must be for everyone?”
Denise began to cry.
“I think I have to be the strong one. If I disappoint people, I feel like I am failing God.”
Rachel let the silence sit for a moment.
Then she asked, “May I reflect what I am hearing?”
Denise nodded.
Rachel said, “It sounds like the question is not only, ‘What should I do this week?’ It may also be, ‘Am I allowed to be faithful without being available for everything?’”
Denise wiped her face.
“That is exactly it.”
Rachel asked, “Would it be okay if we brought this before Scripture for a moment?”
Denise agreed.
Rachel read Galatians 6:2 and 6:5 from the WEB:
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
“For each man will bear his own burden.”
Rachel said, “There is a kind of burden we help carry together. But there is also a responsibility each person must carry before God. Soul Coaching cannot decide every boundary for you, but maybe we can ask where you are carrying burdens that belong to others, and where you are avoiding the burden that belongs to you.”
Denise sat back.
“That feels hard, but true.”
Rachel asked, “Which one area feels most urgent to discern first?”
Denise thought for a while.
“My daughter. I love her, but the house is becoming tense. I need a conversation with her, but I am afraid she will feel rejected.”
Rachel asked, “What would a faithful next step look like that is honest, loving, and not controlling?”
Denise said, “I could ask her to sit down this weekend. I could tell her we love her and want to support her, but we need a plan with expectations.”
Rachel asked, “Would you like to shape that conversation in a way that honors both compassion and boundaries?”
Denise nodded.
They worked together on a simple opening statement:
“I love you, and I am glad you are safe here. I also realize we need to talk about how this arrangement can be healthy for everyone. Can we talk this weekend about a plan?”
Rachel did not decide for Denise. She did not tell her what God demanded. She did not pressure her to set a harsh boundary. She helped Denise name reality, seek wisdom, and take one faithful step she owned before God.
At the end, Rachel asked, “Would you like to pray, or would you rather pray privately later?”
Denise said, “Please pray.”
Rachel prayed for wisdom, courage, love, truth, and peace in Denise’s home.
Denise left still carrying real responsibilities. Her problems were not magically solved. But she no longer felt quite as trapped. She had one faithful next step, and it belonged to her.
Coach Tension
Rachel faced a common Soul Coaching tension: Denise wanted the coach to decide for her.
This can feel flattering to a coach. It can make the coach feel needed, wise, spiritual, or important. But it is dangerous.
If Rachel had taken over, she might have reduced Denise’s agency. She might have confused coaching with control. She might have given advice without understanding the whole situation. She might also have carried responsibility that belonged to Denise before God.
The tension was not whether Rachel should help. The tension was how to help without taking over.
What the Coach Did Well
Rachel listened before advising.
She noticed Denise’s exhaustion and did not rush to a simple answer.
She refused to become an answer machine.
She honored Denise as a living soul before God.
She used permission-based language before reflecting, using Scripture, and praying.
She helped Denise move from many overwhelming issues to one faithful next step.
She distinguished compassion from control.
She helped Denise think about both burden-bearing and personal responsibility.
She used Scripture gently, not as a weapon.
She helped Denise own the next step instead of performing obedience for her.
What the Coach Needed to Avoid
Rachel needed to avoid saying, “God wants you to do this.”
She needed to avoid deciding whether Denise should lead the ministry team, quit her job, confront her daughter, or change care for her mother.
She needed to avoid giving quick advice simply because Denise was overwhelmed.
She needed to avoid spiritual pressure, such as “A faithful Christian mother would…” or “If you had stronger boundaries, you would…”
She needed to avoid treating a Christian Growth resource as an immediate solution before listening.
She needed to avoid minimizing possible safety or mental health concerns. If Denise had expressed self-harm, severe depression, abuse, domestic violence, or danger in the home, Rachel would have needed to move beyond ordinary coaching into referral and safety support.
Scripture Reflection
Galatians 6 gives a wise balance for Soul Coaching:
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
— Galatians 6:2, WEB
Christians are called to help one another. Soul Coaching can be one way to help carry a burden through listening, prayer, encouragement, Scripture, discernment, and practical support.
But Paul also says:
“For each man will bear his own burden.”
— Galatians 6:5, WEB
This does not contradict verse 2. It clarifies responsibility. Some burdens are shared in Christian love. Other responsibilities must be personally carried before God.
A Soul Coach helps carry burdens without stealing responsibility.
Denise needed support, but she also needed to own her decisions before the Lord. Rachel’s ministry was faithful because she helped Denise discern, rather than taking control.
Ministry Sciences Reflection
Ministry sciences help explain why Rachel’s approach was wise.
Coaching literature emphasizes that people are more likely to follow through on steps they personally own. Motivational interviewing research highlights the importance of drawing out a person’s own motivation rather than arguing, pressuring, or commanding. Adult learning theory teaches that mature learners should be treated as responsible participants, not passive recipients.
Family systems theory also offers an important caution. When one person becomes over-responsible for everyone else, unhealthy patterns often continue. Denise had become the emotional manager of her family, church, and work environment. If Rachel became over-responsible for Denise, she would repeat the same pattern in the coaching relationship.
Good Soul Coaching interrupts that pattern.
Rachel stayed connected without taking over. She showed compassion without rescuing. She gave structure without control.
15-Aspect Soul Growth Discernment Model Application
Denise first presented her problem as decision fatigue. But the 15-Aspect Soul Growth Discernment Model helps reveal a wider picture.
Faith Aspect: Denise wondered what faithfulness to God required. She feared disappointing others might mean disappointing God.
Identity Aspect: Denise saw herself as “the strong one.” This identity made it hard for her to admit limits.
Spiritual Practice Aspect: Denise felt spiritually dry and had little space for prayerful discernment.
Embodied Life Aspect: Denise was tired, tense, and likely carrying stress physically.
Emotional Aspect: Denise felt overwhelmed, guilty, anxious, and resentful.
Thought and Mindset Aspect: Denise believed she had to be available to everyone.
Moral Aspect: Denise needed to discern love, truth, responsibility, and honesty.
Relational Aspect: Her daughter, husband, mother, church, and workplace were all involved.
Family Story Aspect: Denise may have learned early that love means being endlessly dependable.
Communication Aspect: Denise needed a clear, compassionate conversation with her daughter.
Stewardship Aspect: Denise had limited time, energy, and attention.
Calling and Vocation Aspect: Denise needed to discern what was truly hers to do.
Justice and Boundary Aspect: Denise needed healthy boundaries without cruelty.
Beauty and Joy Aspect: Denise’s life had little joy, rest, or delight.
Community and Kingdom Aspect: Denise may need church support rather than carrying ministry burdens alone.
The model shows that Denise did not simply need a task list. She needed whole-person discernment.
Christian Growth Resource Connection
Rachel might eventually recommend a Christian Growth resource, but only with permission and after listening.
Possible resources could include:
Introduction to Spiritual Growth if Denise wants to rebuild devotional rhythms.
Christian Gratitude Growth if she needs to notice God’s gifts without denying pain.
Christian Marriage Growth if the situation is creating marital strain and both spouses want support.
Anger Reset if resentment or frustration begins to dominate her responses.
But Rachel should not say, “Take this course and your family problem will be solved.”
A better approach would be:
“Would a Christian Growth resource help you reflect on this area between conversations?”
Or:
“There may be a course that supports spiritual growth and boundaries. Would you like to hear about it?”
The course should serve Denise’s owned next step, not replace it.
Genogram Caution
Denise’s story may include family patterns. She may have learned from her family of origin that love means self-sacrifice without limits, that women must carry everyone emotionally, or that saying no causes rejection.
A genogram-style conversation might help Denise notice patterns of over-responsibility, guilt, caregiving, conflict avoidance, or emotional pressure across generations.
But this must be handled carefully.
A Soul Coach should not use a genogram to diagnose Denise, blame her family, or process deep trauma beyond the coach’s training. If family history reveals abuse, trauma, severe dysfunction, or unresolved danger, referral may be needed.
The coach might say:
“Would it be helpful to gently notice whether this pattern has shown up in your family story?”
That keeps the conversation permission-based and safe.
Discussion Questions
Why was Denise’s request, “Just tell me what God wants,” spiritually significant?
What might have gone wrong if Rachel had simply told Denise what to do?
How did Rachel honor Denise’s agency and responsibility?
How did Galatians 6:2 and 6:5 help clarify burden-bearing and personal responsibility?
Which of the 15 aspects seemed most important in Denise’s situation?
When might Denise’s situation require referral beyond Soul Coaching?
How could Rachel recommend a Christian Growth resource without pressuring Denise?
What is one phrase Rachel used that you could imagine using in your own Soul Coaching conversations?
Personal Reflection Exercise
Think of a time when someone wanted you to decide for them, rescue them, or carry responsibility that belonged to them.
Write brief responses to these prompts:
What did the person want from me?
What responsibility actually belonged to them before God?
What responsibility belonged to me as a Christian helper?
Did I over-function, withdraw, pressure, rescue, or guide wisely?
What would I do differently now as a Soul Coach?
Now write one permission-based sentence you could use in a future conversation:
“Would it be helpful if I…”
“May I…”
“What do you sense God may be inviting you to…”
“What next step do you believe you can own…”
Closing Thought
A Soul Coach helps people carry burdens without taking over their lives.
Denise needed compassion, wisdom, Scripture, prayer, and support. But she did not need Rachel to become her decision-maker. She needed help slowing down, discerning what was hers to carry, and taking one faithful step before God.
Soul Coaching honors the living soul by guiding with permission, humility, grace, truth, and trust that God gives the growth.