Video 6A: Soul Coaching Conversation Skills

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “All right, it's Abby and Abbie, and we're continuing in this Soul Coach class. We've talked a lot about some of the principles, about referring, and about the philosophy behind this Soul Coach program. Now we want to dive a little bit more into the skills.”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “Yeah, so let's talk about the conversation skills that a Soul Coach might need.

But first, a common mistake is talking too much. I think we see this in our lives, in ministry, and in coaching as well.

A rough guideline for you as students is that the client should really be talking at least 80% of the time, and the coach should be talking about 20% of the time.

Some signs you're talking too much that you want to watch out for as you're having these conversations: maybe you're giving long explanations, you're sharing your own stories repeatedly. A little bit of this is appropriate, but use discernment not to do it too often.

Maybe you're offering solutions before understanding the problem. Maybe you're jumping to a conclusion.”

“Listening only for an answer instead of really trying to facilitate a deeper understanding.

Maybe you're attached to a particular theory about the situation. You diagnose it right away, and then you just stay stuck on it. Or you're more interested in helping versus remaining curious. Of course, it's our nature to want to help, but as a coach, staying curious and getting into the habit of asking questions and going deeper is so important.

So, I'll ask you this, Abby. At what point in a conversation do you usually stop being curious and start assuming you know exactly what the person needs?”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “Probably too soon in most conversations.

I think I can definitely struggle with this—talking too much—as well as just... sometimes, and this is what you have to realize when you're dealing with clients, there are going to be so many times where, as an outsider, you can see something.

That's just the reality. When someone looks at your situation from the outside, a lot of times a good idea may seem obvious to someone who isn't living it and doesn't have all the other things to factor into the situation.

It really is a tough lesson. You might think, ‘Well, what if I just tell the person what to do?’ But if they aren't bought into it, or they don't believe what you're saying, they're not going to do it. You've accomplished nothing other than trying to tell them what to do and fix the problem. So you really, really cannot do that. I know that's a tendency of mine. Sometimes I can see it, and I'm thinking, ‘Okay, this seems obvious. Can we just get past all the formalities of figuring this out?’

 But as the coach, you're taking such a beautiful approach by helping them, through questions, discover the answer and then buy into it. They begin saying, ‘This is the route I want to go. This is what I feel God is telling me to do,’ not, ‘This is what my coach is telling me to do.’

Professor Abigail Munroe: “It really is about the journey—equipping them with the skills to stay on that journey. But first, what's always important is presence and establishing that presence.

Making the client know that they're not a project. They're a person. They're a whole person.

And saying, ‘I'm here to listen to you.’ This is the client's time, not your time. You're present with them before God. You're present with the person. You're not just waiting for your turn to talk.

In conversations, we're often thinking, ‘Okay, I already know what I'm going to say next.’ Yeah, that can be a major issue.”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: So, four types of coaching questions.

Exploratory questions. These help gather information.Things like, ‘What else?’, ‘Tell me more about this.’, ‘What has this been like?’, ‘When did you first notice this?’.

Again, these questions gather information and help people think about things they may never have stopped to consider, like, ‘When did this first begin?’”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “Next are clarifying questions.

These help bring focus to the conversation.

If they're saying, ‘I'm feeling stuck,’ you might ask, ‘What do you mean by stuck?’

‘Can you give me an example?’

‘Can you elaborate on that?’

You're really getting to the root of the issue.

Professor Abigail Dominiak: Then reflective questions.

These help increase self-awareness.

‘Why do you think this keeps happening?’

‘What pattern do you notice with this?’”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “And then action questions.

As the last step, we want to help them move forward.

Questions like, ‘What is one next step for you?’, ‘What would progress look like this week?’, or, ‘What would progress look like before we meet next week?’”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “Now let's talk about the types of questions and phrases that shut down Soul Coaching conversations.

Things like: ‘Why don't you just...’, ‘Have you tried...’, ‘You should...’, ‘Here's what I would do...’

Or questions that can simply be answered with yes or no.

If you ask, ‘Does this make you feel upset?’ They can simply answer, ‘Yes,’ or ‘No.’

Instead, you might say, ‘It sounds like this makes you feel upset. Is that how you would describe what you're feeling? What other emotions are you experiencing?’

Again, you're asking questions that invite a fuller response instead of a simple yes or no.”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “Listening is understanding before responding.

Listening and question-asking go hand in hand because when you're actively listening, your questions become much better informed.

Listening doesn't mean you're agreeing with everything they say. Listening doesn't mean you're ignoring danger if they present something concerning. Listening simply means understanding before you respond and move forward.”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “Follow-up questions are very powerful when it comes to coaching.

If your client says, ‘I'm overwhelmed,’ a weak response is simply, ‘Tell me more.’

A stronger response might be, ‘What's creating the most pressure right now?’

If your client says, ‘My family expects a lot from me,’ you might ask, ‘Can you give me an example of that?’, ‘How do you usually respond?’, ‘How is this affecting you?’

Professor Abigail Munroe:  Those follow-up questions are so powerful.

Another key skill is reflecting back what you hear.

People often discover answers simply by hearing themselves.

Sometimes, when we get talking, we don't even realize what we're saying. We don't identify the patterns we're presenting.

So when the coach says, ‘It sounds like you're really frustrated,’ or, ‘What I'm hearing is...,’ or, ‘You've mentioned that several times. That seems important,’ it can really help.

Professor Abigail Dominiak:  I remember during the practicums, we practiced reflecting back what we heard.

Sometimes you'd say, ‘It sounds like you're feeling this way,’ and they'd respond, ‘No, that's actually not what I'm saying.’

Then you can say, ‘Okay, help me understand.’

Other times they'll say, ‘Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. You're right—I do keep mentioning that.’

Reflecting back really helps people process.”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “So, when should you not ask more questions?

We've talked a lot about asking questions and how important they are, but sometimes coaches think every response has to be another question. That's not necessarily the case. A conversation isn't always just question asking.

If you overdo it, the questions can begin to feel mechanical, almost like the client is wondering, ‘Are you ever going to respond to anything I say?’

Especially if someone shares something really heavy, it's appropriate to have a human response.

Acknowledge the emotion. Allow some silence. Reflect back what you heard.

You might simply say, ‘Wow...that sounds really difficult,’ and then pause.

Sometimes just giving the client space is exactly what's needed.”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “So why not just give advice? Because that's what makes Soul Coaching distinct.

Questions matter because they help us see the whole person, not just the presenting issue.

They help us understand what's happening beneath the surface. They honor a person's God-given responsibility and agency. They encourage reflection, discernment, and growth. They help people discover their next faithful step.

I love that phrase—honoring a person's God-given responsibility and agency. That's what I love about coaching and what makes it so distinct.

You're really trying to honor and empower the person to make a wise decision in their own life.

When we ask good questions, we're not merely gathering information—we're helping people better understand their life before God.”