Video 6B: Facilitating Discernment and Ownership

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “All right, we were just giving you some really practical ways to apply these skills, and we want to talk a little bit more about some areas that we think are really important. We've talked a bit about discernment and ownership, but this is just so important with coaching. We wanted to dedicate a little more detail to how to do this as a Soul Coach.”

Professor Abigail Munroe: “Right, so it's really important to guide your client from exploration into reflection, into discernment, and then lastly into acting. So, using that framework of: What is happening? What's going on underneath it? What might God be inviting you to notice? And then, what is one next step? Using these questions starts allowing clients to discern and take ownership of what they're seeing in themselves"

Professor Abigail Dominiak: “Yeah, and we're just really focused on ownership. Again, life coaching is really helping people take ownership and take action. John 5:6 says, 'Do you want to be made well?' That's a question, right? Is there desire? Is there honesty? Is your client willing to do their part? Are they willing to step into God's invitation for their next step in life?"

Professor Abigail Munroe: "So important, and as the coach, we need to focus on what we can control. People cannot create change by controlling someone else's choices. This is so easy to fall into. If you hear a client saying things like, 'Well, if my spouse just communicated with me better,' or, 'My boss really needs to appreciate me more,' 'My church needs to change,' or, 'My adult child needs to make better decisions. If I could just get these people to do these things in my life, these things wouldn't be so hard.' These concerns are super real, and as a coach it's important to validate that. But as the coach, the plan cannot be created to address someone else's behavior. It needs to address the behavior of the client.”

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "I mean, I just think about how much all of us do that in general, right? It's just always going, oh, so and so, and again, these, like you said, these things should be validated, and they should be listened to, and they should be heard, but when you're coaching someone again, their action steps cannot be on someone else's behavior. Well, I'm going to get my wife to do xyz this week, and that's going to fix this. It's just not going to work. So, it needs to move from what should someone else do, from even what should I do, to what am I willing to do, because at the end of the day, people need to take ownership."

Professor Abigail Munroe: "So, some examples of that, you know, what part of this situation belongs to you? What are you in control of? What choices are available to you? What is within your control? What steps are you willing to take this week? And we had just been talking, Abby, one of the things in, you know, our coaching training was just keep pushing on the hypotheticals too. Well, what might be another option? Is there another option that you haven't yet considered, trying to do"

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "Yeah, all right. Some agency questions. Another, you know, point on this is, okay, what part of this belongs to what we just kind of talked about in the last slide. What is one choice, and even what you said, what are multiple like options that you have before you? And then, which option do you want to take, and then where do you need to stop blaming this on others, and what faithful step are you willing to own before God? Again, we really want to help them. Again, we are soul coaches in their whole life, and how that relates, especially in their relationship with Christ."

Professor Abigail Munroe: "Yeah, and then you know, inviting some of these grace and truth questions. So, where do you need God's mercy? Where might Christ be calling you to repentance? What truth do you need to face without despair? What promise of God strengthens you for obedience?" 

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "So, what to do again if someone is not really willing to engage with the ownership, or even, you know, the grace and truth kind of questions, you know, and the coaching just isn't moving forward, so not everyone is wanting the help to actually make changes, so some people do just want to be in a coaching relationship, so they can receive sympathy and validation, and they want someone to agree with them, not to challenge them, they don't want action or accountability, and they return to the same problem repeatedly without taking any steps forward again. This does not mean that they are not a wonderful, again, image bearer of God, but they may not be ready for coaching, and you may not be able to make any progress with them if this is the way that they are taking the coaching relationship."

Professor Abigail Munroe: "Absolutely. So, in this situation, how can you, as a soul coach, respond? It's, you know, important to respectfully name this pattern, so using verbiage like, hey, I've noticed we've returned to this topic several times. What do you think is keeping you from taking a next step? Or, you know, it sounds like you really have an understanding of this issue. What would you need to, what would need to happen for you to act on what you've been identifying? Or, you know, are you looking for coaching right now, or do you just need someone who's there to listen and support you?"

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "Right, because again, there's a lot of other relationships that are possible, and we're gonna get into that in a second here, where you know, maybe they should be just talking with, you know, a mentor in their life about some of these topics, and they're not really looking for action steps, but they want to. Fine, and a trusted, godly person, kind of thing."

Professor Abigail Munroe: "Yeah, so sometimes the coaching relationship is no longer appropriate, depending on the situation. The coach has lots of options, they can, you know, refer to a trusted pastor or spiritual mentor, like you said, Abby, even professional counseling, or their professional counseling, excuse me, or therapy, a support or recovery group, marriage counseling, medical or medical medical or mental health evaluation, even having a time of, you know, prayer, reflection, or personal preparation before they maybe return to a coaching relationship, you know, or referring those CLI courses, say, hey, I think you know some learning might need to take place here before, before we can move forward, and I think, like, we were saying, Abby, having boundaries as a coach is important, if you're experiencing burnout, or you know, even feeling frustration towards a client, or, like, I'm investing so much time in this person with no progress. And it's important to address that and have those boundaries to protect yourself as a coach as well. "

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "Yeah, I think that point you're making, Abi, is so important. It's like you need to take a moment. If you have a client coming in and you're going, 'We've spent months on the same topic, know what progress has occurred. Yeah, like you said, it's creating feelings of frustration in you towards the client. You know that's when you definitely have to start going, 'I'm having warning signs on my end that this client is not progressing, ownership is not being taken, agency is not being applied, and again, the coaching relationship may no longer be appropriate, and you're definitely going to want to pray and consider on that. And again, start doing some of these things we just highlighted here with them."

Professor Abigail Munroe: "Coaching is one approach, and it's a fantastic approach, but it's not the only approach, not the only option."

Professor Abigail Dominiak: "Some people, again, coaching is not the right fit for the situation they're going through, and I think that's a key thing to acknowledge to them. It's like I am not, again, saying this in any way to, you don't want them to feel bad, you are just acknowledging that. Yeah, again, it's even going, I'm not the savior, and coaching isn't the end all be all. And I think it's a great opportunity to have humility and say, you know what, again, I think that the coaching relationship is not helping you progress how I think you would like, and how I would like, and you know, I want to encourage you to, you know, the things we kind of shared. There's another great topic in this is applying scripture and prayer. Again, you're a soul coach, okay? You are a Christian leader, a coach who is bringing in the word of God and the truth of scripture, and we've talked philosophically about that a lot, so how do you really bring it into the conversation in an appropriate way for a coach?"

Professor Abigail Munroe: "Yeah, so a soul coach should avoid using prayer to end a difficult conversation, you know, quoting verses before fully understanding a situation, giving Bible verses as quick fixes, or using spiritual language to avoid deeper exploration, especially if you've someone, if you're someone who's been a longtime Christian or a deeply versed in this space, I think we often can default to this, and it seems helpful in the moment, right? But as the headline says, there, you know, prayer and scripture are valuable tools, but they should support the client's discernment, not replace it. So, instead of prayer, instead prayer and scripture should invite God's presence into the conversation. So, like that last point said, you know, maybe we don't use prayer to end a difficult conversation, maybe we use it to start the conversation. It should encourage reflection and discernment in the client. It should support ownership and action, like we've described, and it should ultimately point people towards Christ, not dependent on the coach, and I think that's one of the key strategies with using scripture in prayer, is that you know it does take away that savior mentality for the coach, and you know separates the dependents from the coach."