Video 5A: Responsibility Without Self-Condemnation

Hi, I am Haley Steiner, a CLI presenter.

This course is taught by Rev. Henry Reyenga and Attorney/Pastor Brian DeCook.

Welcome to Topic 5: Responsibility, Shame, Guilt, and Grace.

Divorce can leave people asking painful questions.

What was my fault?

What was not my fault?

What should I have done differently?

What did the other person do?

Where was God?

Those questions matter. But they can also become overwhelming. Some people blame themselves for everything. Others defend themselves from every possible responsibility because the pain is too much to face. Still others swing back and forth between self-condemnation and self-protection.

This topic invites you into a better way.

Responsibility is not the same as condemnation.

Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

That does not mean, “Nothing matters.” It does not mean, “Never examine your choices.” It means that in Christ, truth can be faced under grace instead of under despair.

There is a difference between saying, “I made sinful choices,” and saying, “I am worthless.”

There is a difference between saying, “I need to grow,” and saying, “Everything was my fault.”

There is a difference between saying, “I contributed to some harm,” and saying, “I caused everything another person chose to do.”

Grace allows us to tell the truth without collapsing.

In divorce recovery, one of the most important skills is learning what belongs to you and what does not belong to you.

Your words belong to you.

Your actions belong to you.

Your reactions belong to you.

Your patterns, habits, secrecy, bitterness, avoidance, pride, fear, or impatience may need honest examination.

But another person’s choices do not belong to you.

Their sin does not belong to you.

Their manipulation, violence, abandonment, addiction, deception, or refusal to seek help does not become your responsibility just because you were in the marriage.

This is why we practice responsibility discernment.

We ask: What is mine to own? What belongs to the other person? What belongs to a pastor, counselor, attorney, court, physician, or other professional? What must be entrusted to God?

That kind of discernment protects two things at once.

It protects you from false guilt.

And it protects you from avoiding real growth.

God’s grace is not fragile. You do not need to hide from the truth. And you do not need to punish yourself to prove that you are sorry.

In Christ, confession opens the door to cleansing, repair, humility, and new steps.

This week, do not try to solve the entire story of the marriage. Begin with one honest question:

What is one thing that truly belongs to me before God?

And then ask a second question:

What is one thing I have been carrying that may not belong to me?

Your gentle next step is to write both answers down and bring them to God in prayer.

Last modified: Monday, June 22, 2026, 11:59 AM