🧪 Case Study 5.3: Either It Was All My Fault or None of It Was
Recovery Story 5.3 — Either It Was All My Fault or None of It Was
Marcus sat in his car after work, staring at the steering wheel.
He had just received another email from his former spouse about a missed payment, a parenting schedule misunderstanding, and an accusation that he had “never taken responsibility for anything.” His first reaction was anger.
“That is not true,” he said out loud.
Then, almost immediately, another voice rose inside him.
“Maybe it is true. Maybe everything really was my fault.”
That was how divorce grief often worked for Marcus. He swung between two extremes. On one day, he blamed his former spouse for everything. On another day, he blamed himself for everything. Neither place brought peace.
When he blamed her for everything, he felt powerful for a moment, but bitter afterward. He replayed conversations, collected examples, and imagined what he would say if people finally asked for his side of the story.
When he blamed himself for everything, he felt crushed. He remembered harsh words, emotional distance, times he avoided hard conversations, and moments when he chose work over home. Then his thoughts became global and merciless.
“I failed as a husband.”
“I failed as a father.”
“I failed as a Christian.”
“God must be tired of me.”
One evening, Marcus met with Pastor Eli after completing Topic 5. He did not bring all the details of the marriage. He did not want another long conversation about who had done what. He simply said, “I cannot figure out if I am guilty or if I am just being accused.”
Pastor Eli listened carefully.
Then he said, “Marcus, maybe the question is not, ‘Was it all my fault or none of my fault?’ Maybe the better question is, ‘What belongs to me before God, and what does not?’”
Marcus was quiet.
Pastor Eli drew four circles on a piece of paper.
The first circle said: What belongs to me.
The second circle said: What belongs to the other person.
The third circle said: What belongs to a pastor, counselor, attorney, court, physician, or other professional.
The fourth circle said: What belongs to God.
Pastor Eli asked, “Can you name one thing that truly belongs in the first circle?”
Marcus looked down.
“My anger,” he said. “Not all of it was wrong. Some of it came from real hurt. But I used it badly. I punished with silence. I gave short answers. I made home feel cold.”
“That is specific,” Pastor Eli said gently. “That is different from saying, ‘Everything was my fault.’ What else?”
“I avoided counseling when she asked. I thought it would make me look weak.”
Pastor Eli nodded. “That may be yours to confess and grow from.”
Then he asked, “What might not belong to you?”
Marcus hesitated.
“Her decisions,” he said slowly. “Her words. Her choices after we separated. The way she talks about me to people. I cannot control that.”
“That matters,” Pastor Eli said. “Owning your part does not mean carrying hers.”
Marcus felt something loosen in his chest. It was not instant relief. It was not a solution. But it was clearer.
Then Pastor Eli asked, “What belongs in the professional circle?”
Marcus thought about the email.
“The payment issue. I need to ask my attorney or financial adviser what I am actually responsible for. I should not try to settle that through angry emails.”
“That sounds wise,” Pastor Eli said.
Finally, Pastor Eli pointed to the fourth circle.
“What belongs to God?”
Marcus looked away for a moment.
“Whether she ever understands my side. Whether people believe the whole story. Whether I get the apology I want. Whether my children someday understand more.”
His voice cracked.
Pastor Eli did not rush him. After a while, he said, “That is a painful circle. But it is too heavy for you to carry.”
Marcus did not leave the meeting with every answer. He still had grief. He still had regret. He still had anger. But he had a better framework.
That week, Marcus chose one faithful step. He wrote a short confession prayer about his silence, anger, and avoidance. He did not send a long message to his former spouse. He did not try to force a repair conversation. He first brought the truth to God.
Then he wrote a separate list of practical questions to bring to the right professional.
For the first time in months, responsibility felt less like a prison and more like a path.
He could own what was his.
He could release what was not.
He could seek help where help was needed.
And he could entrust the rest to God.
Reflection Questions
Where do you tend to go first: “It was all my fault” or “none of it was my fault”?
What is one specific thing that may truly belong to you before God?
What is one thing you may be carrying that belongs to another person?
What part of your situation may need help from a pastor, counselor, attorney, physician, financial adviser, or another qualified person?
What outcome, accusation, apology, or unanswered question may need to be entrusted to God?
Short Prayer
Lord Jesus, help me tell the truth without collapsing into shame. Give me courage to own what is mine, humility to seek repair where it is wise and safe, freedom to release what does not belong to me, and trust to place final outcomes in Your hands. Amen.