Video Transcript: Keeping Children Out of Adult Conflict

Video 8B: Keeping Children Out of Adult Conflict

Hi, I am Haley Steiner, a CLI presenter.

This course is taught by Rev. Henry Reyenga and Attorney/Pastor Brian DeCook.

One of the most important gifts adults can give children during separation or divorce is this:

Do not make children carry adult conflict.

Children may already feel divided. They may love both parents. They may want peace. They may fear making one parent sad or angry. They may try to manage emotions that are too heavy for them.

When children are pulled into adult conflict, they can become messengers, spies, judges, comforters, or evidence.

A child becomes a messenger when an adult says, “Tell your mom this,” or “Tell your dad that.”

A child becomes a spy when an adult asks, “Who was there? What did they say? What did the house look like?”

A child becomes a judge when an adult says, “You know I am the one who really cares about you.”

A child becomes a comforter when an adult leans on the child for emotional support that should come from another adult, pastor, counselor, or trusted friend.

A child becomes evidence when adult conversations turn the child’s words, tears, preferences, or behavior into proof in the conflict.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “You fathers, don’t provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, don’t provoke your children, so that they won’t be discouraged.”

These passages remind parents that children need nurture, not pressure. They need guidance, not adult burdens.

Keeping children out of adult conflict does not mean ignoring real concerns. If there is suspected abuse, neglect, danger, self-harm, coercion, or violation of court orders, adults must follow lawful safeguarding and professional procedures.

But ordinary frustration with a former spouse should not be processed through the children.

A child-conscious parent learns to pause before speaking.

Instead of saying, “Your father never thinks about anyone but himself,” a parent might say, “There has been a schedule change. I know that can feel frustrating. We will work through today’s plan.”

Instead of saying, “Tell your mother she needs to answer me,” a parent might say, “I will communicate with your mother directly.”

Instead of asking, “Did your dad have someone over again?” a parent might ask, “How are you doing after the weekend?”

A child should not have to protect one parent from the other parent’s emotions.

This is hard. Divorce grief can make adults feel lonely, angry, afraid, or desperate to be understood. That is why adults need adult support.

Talk to a pastor. Meet with a counselor. Pray with a trusted friend. Use legal counsel when needed. Speak with a ministry leader. But do not place the child in the middle.

Your reflection question is this:

Where might a child be feeling pressure to carry information, emotions, loyalty, or responsibility that belongs to adults?

Your gentle next step is to choose one phrase you will stop saying around children and one reassuring phrase you will practice instead.