🧪 Growth Story 5.3: She Only Knew How to Ask, “How Are You?”
Growth Story 5.3: She Only Knew How to Ask, “How Are You?”
Marissa wanted to become more confident with people.
She loved the Lord. She cared about others. She served faithfully at church. She smiled at people, greeted newcomers, helped with coffee, and stayed after the service when someone needed an extra hand.
But when a real conversation started, Marissa often froze.
She knew how to say, “Hi.”
She knew how to say, “How are you?”
She knew how to say, “Good to see you.”
Then she usually ran out of words.
Most Sundays followed the same pattern.
Marissa would see someone standing alone in the church lobby. She would feel a small tug in her heart: Go say hello. Ask something. Welcome her.
So she would walk over and say, “Hi, how are you?”
The person would answer, “Good.”
Marissa would smile and say, “Good.”
Then silence.
Inside, Marissa’s self-conversation started getting loud.
“You are so awkward.”
“You should know what to say.”
“She probably wants to leave.”
“You are not good at people.”
“Just smile and get out of this conversation.”
Her face would tighten. Her shoulders would rise. Her voice would get smaller. She would look around the room for something to do.
Finally, she would say, “Well, it was nice seeing you,” and walk away feeling defeated.
What Marissa did not realize was that her difficulty was not a lack of love. It was a lack of practice, a fearful inner script, and a narrow question habit.
She cared about people. But she only had one question ready.
The Sunday That Made Her Notice
One Sunday, a woman named Kendra visited the church. Kendra was new to the area and came alone. Marissa noticed her standing near the back with a bulletin in her hand.
Marissa felt the familiar tug.
Go welcome her.
She walked over and said, “Hi, I’m Marissa. How are you?”
Kendra smiled politely and said, “I’m good.”
Marissa nodded. “Good.”
Then came the silence.
Marissa’s inner conversation started again.
“You are stuck.”
“You have nothing interesting to say.”
“She knows this is awkward.”
“Find an excuse.”
Marissa glanced toward the coffee table and said, “Well, there’s coffee over there.”
Kendra said, “Thanks.”
Marissa walked away.
Later, Marissa saw another woman from the church, Denise, talking with Kendra. Denise did not seem flashy or socially impressive. She simply looked relaxed and interested.
Marissa heard Denise ask, “How did you get connected here today?”
Kendra answered, “I just moved here last month, and I’ve been looking for a church.”
Denise followed up gently. “That is a big step. What brought you to this area?”
Kendra shared a little more. She had moved for work. She did not know many people yet. She was hoping to find Christian community.
The conversation was not dramatic. No one cried. No one shared deeply private details. But Kendra seemed to relax. She smiled more. She stayed longer.
Marissa felt happy for Kendra, but she also felt embarrassed.
She thought, “Why didn’t I ask that? Why do I only ask, ‘How are you?’”
An Unhelpful Message
That afternoon, Marissa mentioned the moment to a friend.
Her friend laughed and said, “You just need to be more outgoing. You overthink everything. Just talk. It’s not that hard.”
Marissa knew her friend was not trying to be cruel, but the words landed heavily.
Just be more outgoing.
That sounded impossible.
Marissa did not want to become loud or fake. She did not want to perform. She did not want to become someone else. She wanted to love people, but she needed a way to grow that did not shame her personality.
That evening, Marissa wrote in her private reflection journal:
“Lord, I want to welcome people, but I freeze. I only know one question. I feel embarrassed. Please help me learn without shame.”
A Wiser Ministry Conversation
The next week, Marissa met with Ruth, an older woman in the church who often encouraged younger volunteers.
Ruth listened without rushing.
Then she said, “Marissa, I do not think this is a love problem. I think you care. I think you need a few more tools and a kinder way to talk to yourself before conversations.”
Marissa looked relieved.
Ruth continued, “You are an organic human. Your spiritual life and physical life are working together. When you tell yourself, ‘I am awkward; I am failing,’ your body feels that. Your shoulders tighten. Your voice changes. Your mind goes blank. So before you ask better questions outwardly, you may need gracious self-conversation inwardly.”
Marissa nodded slowly. “That is exactly what happens.”
Ruth said, “Let’s begin with agape love. Agape love seeks the true good of another person before God. When you approach someone, you are not taking a social test. You are offering attention. That is all. You do not have to be impressive. You can ask one warm question and listen.”
Ruth helped Marissa write three inward sentences:
“Lord Jesus, help me love this person with attention.”
“I do not need to perform.”
“I can ask one kind question and listen.”
Then Ruth helped her build a small question bank.
For someone new at church:
“How did you get connected here today?”
“Have you been in the area long?”
“What has the move or transition been like for you?”
“What would help you feel welcomed here?”
For someone she already knew:
“What has been encouraging you lately?”
“How did that thing go that you mentioned last week?”
“What has been taking most of your attention these days?”
“How can I pray for you this week?”
Ruth also added, “Remember, questions are invitations, not demands. If someone gives a short answer, that is okay. You can respect that. You are not responsible to force a deep conversation.”
Marissa wrote that down too.
Questions are invitations, not demands.
A Safety and Power Check
Ruth also gave Marissa an important caution.
“Welcoming people does not mean asking for private pain. Be careful with questions that pressure someone to share trauma, family conflict, health details, sexual history, money problems, or legal issues. If someone begins to share something serious, you can listen kindly, but you may need to involve appropriate pastoral or professional support. You are not becoming their counselor. You are practicing loving attention.”
That helped Marissa.
She did not have to avoid people.
She did not have to pry.
She did not have to fix.
She did not have to become a professional helper.
She could simply ask with love, listen with care, and respect the person’s boundaries.
Trying Again
The next Sunday, Marissa saw Kendra again.
Her stomach tightened, but this time she paused.
Inside she prayed, “Lord Jesus, help me love with attention. I do not need to perform. I can ask one kind question and listen.”
She walked over and said, “Hi Kendra, it is good to see you again.”
Kendra smiled. “Thanks. It’s good to be back.”
Marissa almost said, “How are you?” but then remembered her question bank.
She asked, “What helped you decide to come back this week?”
Kendra’s face brightened a little. “Honestly, people were kind last week. I’ve been looking for somewhere that feels steady.”
Marissa listened.
Then she asked one follow-up question. “What helps a church feel steady to you?”
Kendra paused. “That’s a good question. I think kindness, Scripture, and not feeling like I have to pretend.”
Marissa nodded. “That makes sense.”
The conversation did not last long. Someone else came up and joined them. Marissa did not say everything perfectly. She still felt nervous. But something had changed.
She had stayed present.
She had asked a warmer question.
She had listened.
She had not run away from silence.
Later that day, Marissa wrote in her journal:
“I was still nervous, but I did not feel trapped. I asked one better question. I listened. I think this is what practice feels like.”
An Unfinished but Hopeful Step
Marissa did not become suddenly confident in every conversation.
The next week, she still stumbled over her words. Another time, she asked a question that came out awkwardly and had to say, “Sorry, you do not have to answer that if it feels too personal.”
But she was growing.
She was learning that people skill confidence is not social perfection. It is relational maturity practiced in ordinary moments.
She was learning that gracious self-conversation changes outer conversation.
She was learning that agape love can shape curiosity.
She was learning that good questions help people feel seen.
And slowly, Marissa was becoming more free to welcome people with Christlike presence.
Reflection Questions
Where do you most relate to Marissa’s struggle?
What inward self-conversation makes it harder for you to ask good questions?
What gracious self-conversation sentence could help you before a conversation?
Why is “How are you?” sometimes too narrow to open a meaningful conversation?
What question could you ask someone new in a church, ministry, work, or community setting?
How can you remember that questions are invitations, not demands?
What topics require extra wisdom, privacy, consent, or referral support?
What is one warm question you can practice this week?
Short Prayer
Lord Jesus, help me grow in loving curiosity. Teach me to ask questions that honor people as organic humans created by You. Quiet the shame and fear in my inward conversation. Help me speak to myself with grace and truth. Give me agape love that seeks the true good of others before God. Teach me to ask one kind question, listen with patience, respect privacy, and welcome others with Christlike presence. Amen.