Session 4: Seeking Forgiveness from Others
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Introduction
Welcome to session four of forgiveness. In this session, we examine the topic of seeking forgiveness from others.
There are six subpoints in this presentation, and like seeking forgiveness from God begins with our sin being exposed or confronted. We're talking here in this session about relationships with people that we've wronged, or that we've done something that has caused them to take offense, whether we intended the offense to occur or not.
We'll examine how we're to go to those that we have wronged, and within the pursuit of peace, and what it means to express godly sorrow to those we've wronged, and how to make a God-honoring confession, and ask for forgiveness, and finally to pursue reconciliation and restoration of relationship.
Recognizing That Someone Has Been Wronged
Well, as I've mentioned, the first step in going to someone that we've wronged is the knowledge that we've wronged someone, or that they perceive that we've wronged them. Perceptions have a lot to do with people taking offense, and sometimes our perceptions are wrong, and we get offended, and we don't realize that our perception is wrong because we always think we're right. And so sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where someone has taken offense at something we've said or done.
We certainly didn't intend for that to happen, and maybe their perception is inaccurate, and we need to go to them as much as we do to go to those who we know that we've wronged, the confrontation and exposure of sin when we've sinned against someone else again can come through other people, can come directly from the person that we've wronged or the group that we've wronged or offended, and it can also come through the Word of God and through the witness of the Holy Spirit.
Go and Be Reconciled
But once we recognize that we have offended someone, once we recognize that we've wronged someone or sinned against someone, we're to go to them. In Matthew chapter five, Jesus Christ said, "Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go your way. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
When we go to someone in honoring the Lord's word and the Lord's instruction to go, we recognize that going is important to the Lord, our reconciling relationships with people we've wronged is more important to Him than giving a gift to Him at the altar. More important than coming to worship Him.
Pursue Peace
He wants us to reconcile our relationships with those who we know are offended toward us, so why do we go? Why do we go to those we have wronged? Well, hopefully, it's out of obedience to the Lord's instruction to begin with. But there's a reason He wants us to go, and that is to pursue peace, to restore unity in the body of Christ, but there are other reasons we go. Sometimes we go because we are defensive. We think they have things wrong, and we want to make things right.
We want to help make them understand things the way we do. We want them to perceive the situation the way that we do, which favors our self-interest. Sometimes we go with an aggressive mindset. We want to win this conflict. We believe we're right and they are wrong, and we go in order to set them straight. We want to set the record straight, and we anticipate that they'll agree with us, of course. Sometimes we act more out of the flesh than out of the spirit.
So when we go, a good question to ask ourselves is: Am I pursuing peace? Am I going to pursue peace, or am I going to pursue something else? The Lord's desire is that we go to in order to pursue peace. In Hebrews 12:14, we read, "Pursue peace with all people and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. In Psalm 34:14, we read, "Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
In Romans 14:19, we read, "Therefore, let us pursue the things which make for peace, and the things by which one may edify another. And in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." And Second Timothy 222, flee also youthful lusts, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Peace Is More Important Than Personal Victory
An example of the battles that can occur between the flesh and the spirit within the body of Christ when conflict occurs, is found in First Corinthians chapter six, where Paul is writing to the Corinthian church, and they had members in that local assembly who were taking one another to court.
They were in conflict, and rather than resolve their disputes in a way that led to peace, they were pursuing the adjudication in the court system, and the court system, you know, tells us who's right and who's wrong, who wins, who loses, what is just under the circumstances and the facts of the case.
But a secular court is not concerned about making peace between the parties, and the Apostle Paul writes to them in chapter six, verse seven, where we read: "Now therefore it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren. Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?
And such were some of you, but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit Of God, the Apostle Paul is telling the Corinthian church: pursue the things that make for peace. If it means being wronged in order to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace, except being wronged, except being defrauded, maintaining the unity of the Holy Spirit in the bond of peace is more important than our personal interests, than our fleshly, worldly desires.
That doesn't mean that we ignore the truth in conflict. It doesn't mean that we lay down and become a doormat in a conflict in order to pursue peace, part of pursuing peace is pursuing righteousness, is pursuing things that are honest, things that are good, things that are of a good report, things that glorify Jesus Christ, things that honor one another.
These are the things we're to pursue in responding to our conflicts, and when we know we've wronged someone, we go to them to acknowledge that we've wronged them and to make peace. To find out what it is we need to do to make peace with them.
Examine Your Motives
But there are some other reasons that we'll be tempted to pursue. Other things we'll be tempted to pursue when we don't go to pursue peace. Sometimes we go to preserve our reputation. We know someone thinks we've wronged them; that kind of offends us, and we don't like it that they think of us that way. And so we're going to them to restore our reputation with them. That's self-interest.
Sometimes we go because we have a righteous cause, and we believe that we're right and they're wrong in that we didn't wrong them, and maybe that they wronged us. But whatever the circumstances might be, we go out of a self-righteous or proud spirit. Sometimes we go to pursue a desired outcome that could be anything other than pursuing peace. So when we're tempted to go and pursue something that's not pursuing peace that glorifies Jesus Christ, it's a good check to let the Holy Spirit speak to us.
To go before the Lord and to ask Him, Lord, what do You want me to do? How do You want me to approach my brother or sister who I've wronged or who thinks I've wronged them? And Lord, am I going to pursue peace or am I going to pursue something else? And let the Lord speak to us and show us the things that we can do that will make for peace.
Express Godly Sorrow
And when we go, we're to go to express godly sorrow, just like we express sorrow to the Lord. And you remember the difference between worldly and godly sorrow. And here we are going because the Holy Spirit has convicted us that we've wronged our brother, or that our brother perceives that we've wronged them, and so why are we going?
“I’m Wrong” and “I’m Sorry”
What does it mean to pursue peace? In his book, 10 Powerful Phrases for Positive People, author Rich DeVos, a friend of and. Good friend, great friend of President Ryanga and Christian Leaders Ministries, who has since gone home to be with the Lord, wrote this book. And in it, the first two phrases are "I'm wrong" and "I'm sorry. These are great phrases that help us express godly sorrow.
Remember that it's godly sorrow that leads to repentance, leads to change, leads to receiving the Lord's forgiveness, and it's also a step in receiving the forgiveness of others. We acknowledge once we recognize that we have done wrong, we acknowledge it. I was wrong, and not only do we acknowledge it, we were wrong, but we acknowledge the harm that is caused by saying, "I'm sorry. This isn't all that we say, but acknowledging these two things is important in in establishing peace, in making peace with those that we've offended.
Now, if the party who is offended has a misperception of what happened, and you can't, in honesty, say that you were wrong because maybe you weren't having that honest conversation with them and helping them to see what you know about what you see about the situation, having that conversation in a way that is pursuing peace is important in recognizing the delicate situation that when someone believes they've been wronged and the person says no you're wrong is a great potential there to create more conflict.
So how we go to them is important. Recognizing when we can say I'm wrong, just humble ourselves and say it. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. And if we weren't wrong, say you know maybe I'm not helping you see what I see in a way that is bringing us closer together. Let me tell you what I saw. Let me tell you my perspective on this situation, and maybe maybe we can come to terms over this that establish peace between us.
These are the great opportunities we have in conflict to glorify Jesus Christ.
A God-Honoring Confession
But let's acknowledge for this moment that and agree that we've wronged someone. I've sinned against you, and I'm coming to you, and I tell you I'm wrong, and I tell you I'm sorry, and now I'm going to confess my sin to you and ask for forgiveness.
The Seven A’s of Confession
So, in making my confession, there are there's a book written by Ken Sandy. He's the author. He's an attorney and a servant of Jesus Christ, and in his book called The Peacemaker he gives us seven A's of confession. These are seven words that start with the letter A that can encapsulate a confession that glorifies Jesus Christ.
Address Everyone Involved
The first A is to address everyone involved. That means when we make a confession, we want to address everyone who's been affected by our sin. So we ask the question: Then who has been affected by my sin? Who has been impacted by this situation? Is it just the person I am confessing to, or are there others that I need to go to? Who else knows about this situation? And ask the Lord.
Ask the Lord to show you if there's anyone else that you need to go to in this situation in order to bring peace.
Avoid “If,” “But,” and “Maybe”
The second day is to avoid using words like if, but, and maybe in your confession, these are words that provide an excuse for our sin or our wrongdoing. You know, I'm coming to you with a confession, and I'm sorry that I lied about you to President Ryinga, but you know, if you hadn't mistreated me last year and said unkind words about me, I would never have said that to him.
I've just discounted everything in my confession to you because I've really blamed you for my sin, and so avoid using words like "if. I'm sorry, I've sinned against you. But if you avoid but and avoid maybe, these are words that are used to shift the blame to others, and these are words that discount our confession. And this does. Doesn't it mean that we ignore other people's contributions to the conflict? It just means we are careful to discuss their conduct in ways that does not come across as self-serving.
We don't want conversation about someone else's conduct to be an excuse for our conduct, or or even appear as if we're making an excuse for our conduct. We want to own our contribution to the conflict. We're going to them to make peace. We're going to them to acknowledge the wrong that we have committed against them. And if it's just a perceived wrong, we're going to make that right. We're going to pursue peace and find out why they have this perception. Is it a misperception?
Maybe we're wrong, but we're going in humility to pursue peace.
Admit Your Sin Specifically
The next day is to admit your sin specifically, both your attitudes and your actions. Don't be vague about what you're acknowledging. Get to the point and say, "I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong to do this. So don't just say, "I'm wrong" or "I'm sorry. Tell them exactly what it was you did wrong. Tell them why it is that you're sorry. What are you sorry about? We don't always see how our sin impacts others.
When we admit specifically what we see, it helps us get to agreement with the other parties in the conflict as to what has occurred and the damage our wrongs have done.
Acknowledge the Hurt
The next day is to acknowledge the hurt, acknowledge the hurt caused by our sin. This means showing empathy, putting yourself in the other person's shoes, and to show them that you understand where they're coming from, that you understand a little bit, perhaps, how they feel. That you can empathize with their situation and how you've contributed to that situation.
Accept the Consequences
The next day is to accept the consequences of our sin. Here, we ask ourselves questions: Is what does it mean? What is it going to take to make peace? Maybe restitution is necessary. Maybe compensation of some kind. Maybe boundaries need to be put in place in our relationship in order to make peace. Is there something required of me in order to make peace with them? In order for reconciliation to occur, has my wrongdoing cost them something? Have they been damaged?
And is there something required of of me or of them in order to prevent repeat offenses? Every conflict has its unique features. No two conflicts are the same. The people are different. The circumstances are different. Even when circumstances are similar, the people involved in the conflict are at different places in their relationship with one another and their relationship with Jesus Christ. So each conflict is unique, which is why it's it's imperative that we go to the Lord and ask Him, Lord, what do You want Your servant to do?
How do I pursue peace, Lord? How do I confess to this brother or sister? Lord, give me your heart for them. Show me what they're going through, and help me to see what you want me to see. Help me to see what you see, Father, in going to them to make peace. Deliver me from my selfish perspective. Help me see from your kingdom perspective, what this situation is about, and how I can be a blessing to them. Wow!
Alter Your Behavior
After we've gone to them and we're making this God-honoring confession, we want to make sure that we repent. We want to alter our behavior, change our attitudes, change our actions. Remember, repent means to change direction. So, whatever repentance looks like in each situation, a demonstration of repentance is important when making our confession and asking for forgiveness.
Ask for Forgiveness
And then finally, the last day is to ask for forgiveness. Ask them specifically, "Will you forgive me? Don't just say I'm wrong or I'm sorry, and let their acknowledgment of your statements and maybe even their affirmation of those statements. Persuade you that you've been forgiven. When we do that, I I refer to that as short-circuiting reconciliation. It's cheap forgiveness. Forgiveness is much more holy than that. Much more powerful. When I ask you to forgive me, I'm giving you the opportunity to set me free from my sin.
I'm giving you the opportunity to fulfill Jesus Christ's command to you to forgive those who've sinned against you in the same way that Jesus Christ has forgiven you, it gives you the opportunity to treat me the way Jesus Christ treats you. When I ask you to forgive me and give you the opportunity to say, I forgive you. When we say I'm wrong, I'm sorry, the response we typically hear is it's okay, no problem, don't worry about it.
Reconciliation and Restoration
We rarely hear someone respond to I'm sorry with I forgive you. That's the response we're looking for-that release from our sin-and when those words are spoken, reconciliation occurs. Those words of forgiveness. But there are two aspects of a broken relationship that I want to identify here, and we'll talk more about in future sessions, and that is the distinction between reconciliation and restoration.
When you say to me that you forgive me, that means you've forgiven my sin, the debt I owed to you, of whatever nature that debt might have been, is forgiven, and we're back to balance in our relationship. That's reconciliation. The sin is no longer between us, and we're not bound by the chains of that sin, and that puts us in a position of peace to be able then to address restoration. The restoration of the relationship may or may not happen at the time that forgiveness is extended.
Sometimes restoration of a relationship takes time. There's a difference between reconciliation of a relationship and restoration. Thayer's New Testament lexicon provides that to reconcile means to renew friendship with one, in contrast to being at enmity with them. So you've restored friendship when you reconcile, but that's just friendship. You put the relationship back on a friendship level. You've reconciled. A relationship that is renewed, however, may not necessarily be restored to what it was before the.
the offense occurred, think about a situation where an offense where physical abuse has occurred or great harm has been done. We can go to one another and pursue peace, and we can forgive the conduct that occurred. That doesn't mean that the wounds that were caused or the damage that was done is a consequence of the wrong that occurred can be placed back to where it was before that wrong occurred in the relationship, sometimes relationships need to be mended, healed, made complete, and sometimes that takes time.
But a restored relationship is one that is. It's mended, it's healed, it's complete, it's growing again. Reconciliation occurs when forgiveness is granted, but restoration may take time. It's important to recognize that dynamic in the context of forgiveness. We'll talk more about that in the next session.