Reading: The Three Skill Clusters of Listening Video - Slides

The Three Skill Clusters of Listening

Henry Reyenga

1. People Skills

Robert Bolton wrote a book on being people smart three decades ago.  I have gone through this book and selected quotes for people smart insights for ministry. 

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 30). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

2. Attending Skills 

•  A posture of involvement 

•  Appropriate body motion 

•  Eye contact 

•  Non-distracting environment

3. Following Skills 

•  Door openers 

•  Minimal encourages 

•  Infrequent questions 

•  Attentive silence

4. Reflecting Skills 

•  Paraphrasing

•  Reflecting feelings 

•  Reflecting meanings (tying feelings to content)

Attending Skills 

A Posture of Involvement: 

Communication tends to be fostered when the listener demonstrates a relaxed alertness with the body leaning slightly forward, facing the other squarely, maintaining an "open” position and situating himself at an appropriate distance from the speaker.  People Skills (p. 34)

Attending Skills 

 A Posture of Involvement - Body Position:

Facing the other squarely, your right shoulder to the other's left shoulder, helps communicate your involvement. The common phrase "He gave me the cold shoulder” suggests the indifference or rejection that can be communicated by not positioning yourself to face the other person. Because homes and offices are seldom arranged for good attending, you may have to rearrange some furniture to be able to position yourself properly. People Skills (p. 35)

Attending Skills 

A Posture of Involvement - Open Position:

Maintaining an open position with arms and legs uncrossed is another important part of the posture of involvement. Tightly crossed arms or legs often communicate closedness and defensiveness. People Skills (p. 35). 

Attending Skills 

Appropriate Body Motion - Relaxed: 

One study of nonverbal listener behavior noted that the listener who remains still is seen as controlled, cold, aloof, and reserved. By contrast, the listener who is more active-- but not in a fitful or nervous way-- is experienced as friendly, warm, casual, and as not acting in a role. People Skills (p. 36). 

Attending Skills 

Appropriate Body Motion - Motion Related to Speaker:

The avoidance of distracting motions and gestures is also essential for effective attending. The good listener moves his body in response to the speaker. Ineffective listeners move their bodies in response to stimuli that are unrelated to the talker. People Skills (p. 36)

Attending Skills 

Eye Contact: 

Effective eye contact expresses interest and a desire to listen. It involves focusing one's eyes softly on the speaker and occasionally shifting the gaze from his face to other parts of the body, to a gesturing hand, for example, and then back to the face and then to eye contact once again. Poor eye contact occurs when a listener repeatedly looks away from the speaker, stares at him constantly or blankly, or looks away as soon as the speaker looks at the listener. People Skills (p. 36). 

Attending Skills 

Non-distracting Environment:

Attending involves giving the other person one's undivided attention. This is virtually impossible in environments that have a high level of distraction. An un-distracting environment, one without significant physical barriers between people and one that is inviting rather than ugly-- these conditions facilitate conversation. People Skills (p. 37).

Attending Must Be Real

However, if I try to fake attention when listening to another, I deceive only myself. The listener who is truly present to another displays a vitality that registers on face and body his interest and concern for what the other is saying. People Skills (p. 38).

Attending Must Be Real

Students of communication are convinced that most communication is nonverbal. The most commonly quoted estimate, based on research, is that 85 percent of our communication is nonverbal! People Skills (p. 39)

Following Skills 

One of the primary tasks of a listener is to stay out of the other's way so the listener can discover how the speaker views his situation.  People Skills (p. 40). 

Researchers tell us that it is not at all uncommon for "listeners” to lead and direct a conversation through the frequent use of questions. It is also common for the "listener” to talk so much that he monopolizes the conversation! People Skills (p. 40). 

Following Skills- Door Openers 

A door opener is a non-coercive invitation to talk. There are times when door openers are not necessary. The speaker plunges right into his theme. Sometimes, however, you will sense that the other person wants to talk but needs encouragement as Jerry did. At other times, the speaker will be in the midst of a conversation and will show signs that he is unsure about continuing. A door opener like this may help him proceed: "I'm interested in hearing more about it.”  People Skills (pp. 40-41)

Following Skills- Door Openers 

People often send door closers (roadblocks) when door openers are much more appropriate. When a child comes home from school with dragging steps and an unhappy expression on his face, parents often respond in ways that tend to make the child withdraw into himself. Judgmental statements are apt to pour forth. People Skills (p. 41)

Following Skills- Door Openers 

Some Door Opening Ideas:

"Looks like things didn't go well for you today. I've got time if you'd like to talk.”

"Something unpleasant happen to you? Want to talk about it?” People Skills (p. 41)

Following Skills- Door Openers 

Door openers typically have four elements: 

  A description of the other person's body language. "Your face is beaming today.” "You look like you are not feeling up to par.” 

 An invitation to talk or to continue talking. "Care to talk about it?” "Please go on.” "I'm interested in what you are saying.” 

Silence-- giving the other person time to decide whether to talk and/ or what he wants to say. 

Attending-- eye contact and a posture of involvement that demonstrates your interest in and concern for the other person.  People Skills (p. 41).

Following Skills - Minimal Encourages  

The word minimal refers to the amount the listener says, which is very little, and to the amount of direction given to the conversation, which is also very little. The word encourages is used because these words and phrases aid the speaker to continue speaking. Just a few words can let the other know you are listening without interrupting the flow of talk or breaking the mood. Minimal encourages will be sprinkled throughout a conversation. People Skills (p. 43). 

Following Skills - Infrequent Questions  

In addition to asking open rather than closed questions, it is important to ask only one question at a time. When two or more questions are asked in quick succession, the latter questions are usually closed questions. The tendency to ask more than one question seems related to the questioner's inner uncertainty. It rarely facilitates the conversation. People Skills (p. 45)

Following Skills - Attentive Silence 

Most listeners talk too much. They may speak as much or even more than the person trying to talk. Learning the art of silent responsiveness is essential to good listening. After all, another person cannot describe a problem if you are doing all the talking. People Skills (p. 46). 

Following Skills - Attentive Silence 

Before the birth of Jesus, the author of the Book Ecclesiastes said there is a "time to keep silent and a time to speak.” The effective listener can do both. Some people sit quietly during a whole conversation, pushing the other into a monologue. Excessive silence can be as undesirable as no silence. To sit mute like a "bump on a log” does not constitute effective listening. It is rarely possible to listen effectively for a long time without making some kind of verbal response. Soon the mind of such an unresponsive "listener” dulls, his eyes become glazed, and it becomes obvious to the speaker that the "listener” is not with him. Silence, when overdone, is not golden-- it is then merely a lack of response to the person with needs. Bolton, People Skills (p. 47)

Reflecting Skills - Paraphrasing
 

A paraphrase is a concise response to the speaker which states the essence of the other's content in the listener's own words. Robert People Skills (p. 51).

Not too wordy 

The essential message (emphasizing facts)

Paraphrasing in own words. Getting into the skin of the speaker. 

Reflecting Skills - Reflecting Feelings  

Listening for the feeling words.

If the goal is to reflect emotions, one obvious way to do this is to identify the verbally expressed feelings in a conversation. People occasionally put their feelings directly into words. People Skills (p. 55)

Reflecting Skills - Reflecting Feelings  

2. Note the general content of the message.

Because the suppression of feelings is so widespread in our culture, the speaker may not use feeling words at all. However, the overall content of what she is saying may give you clues about what she is feeling. People Skills (p. 56) 

Reflecting Skills - Reflecting Feelings  

3. Observe the body language.

One of the most effective ways of understanding what another person is feeling is to observe her body language. Because the reflection of feeling is so important to effective listening and because the observation of facial expression, tone of voice, gesture, and posture give such important clues to a person's feeling state.  People Skills (p. 57)

Reflecting Skills - Reflecting Feelings  

4. Ask yourself, "If I were having that experience, what would I be feeling?”

The best we can do is to understand our own inner reactions and guess at the other's emotions. On the basis of this "guestimate,” the listener reflects her understanding of the other's feelings. People Skills (p. 57)

Reflecting Skills - Reflecting Meanings  

The formula "You feel  .  .  . because  .  .  .” is not very intrusive in a conversation. It helps people remember to reflect both the feelings and the content and it is an aid in keeping the responses brief. It is far different from encumbering conversations with jargon phrases like "What I think I hear you saying is.  .  .  .” People Skills (p. 58)

Reflecting Skills - Summative Reflections 

 A summative reflection is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of conversation than would be covered by any of the other reflective skills.  People Skills (p. 59). 

A summary can help a speaker understand herself more clearly.  People Skills (p. 60)

The effectiveness of a summative reflection can be best judged by the other's reception and use of it. People Skills (p. 61).