Reading: Reading Body Language (Video Slides)

Reading Body Language

Henry Reyenga

We all, in one way or another, send our little messages out to the world.  .  .  . And rarely do we send our messages consciously. We act out our state of being with nonverbal body language. We lift one eyebrow for disbelief. We rub our noses for puzzlement. We clasp our arms to isolate ourselves or to protect ourselves. We shrug, our shoulders for indifference, wink one eye for intimacy, tap our fingers for impatience, slap our foreheads for forgetfulness. The gestures are numerous, and while some are deliberate  .  .  . there are some, such as rubbing our noses for puzzlement or clasping our arms to protect ourselves, that are mostly unconscious. 1 --Julius Fast

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 77). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Learn To Read Body Language

Psychotherapist Alexander Lowen puts it this way, "No words are so clear as the language of body expression once one has learned to read it.”

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 78). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Body Language Can Indicate The Emotion And Emotional Health

Non-verbals not only portray a person's feelings, they often indicate how the person is coping with her feelings. For example, the expression on a person's face may indicate that she is angry. The rest of her body shows what she is doing with those angry feelings.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 79). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Communication Bifurcation 

There are times when each of us uses words in ways designed to hide our feelings. Sometimes these tendencies toward deception are buried in our subconscious and we are not even aware of our efforts to conceal. Similarly, each of us has learned to control our body language. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we try to control the expression of emotion that is communicated through our non-verbals.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 80). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Body Language And Truth

We may be successful at choosing words to create a façade. But when we try to control our non-verbals, our bodies usually blab the truth about our feelings.

Even when a person makes a determined effort not to show emotions in body language, her true feelings usually leak past the attempt at control, though sometimes only for a fleeting moment.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 80). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Guidelines For Reading Body Language

Reading body language may be different in each culture, but Bolton's "Five Guidelines” are helpful.

Focus Your Attention On The Cues

1. Facial Expression

The face not only discloses specific emotions, it telegraphs what really matters to a person. At times, a person's face will take on a natural and lively intensity. This may occur in the midst of a conversation that seems relatively unimportant. 

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 81). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

What The Eyes Say...

2. Expression of the eyes

The eyes and facial tissue surrounding them can be most eloquent. Eyes twinkle with mirth, become red and watery with sadness, and glower with hostility. The eyes convey important information about how your relationship with another person is faring. They display affection and trust with one person, distance with another, and disengagement from a third person.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 82). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Eyes As Cues For Pastors

As a person grows older, her most consistent emotional state tends to become permanently etched on her face. Some older faces are joyous and open, suggesting a lifetime of happiness. Others express chronic disapproval, as though nothing in the world ever was quite right for them. (Maybe it wasn't.)

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 82). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.

What Tone and Voice Says

3. Tone and voice expression

Feelings like anger, enthusiasm, and joy tend to be accompanied by increased rapidity of speech, higher volume, and higher pitch. A slower-than-normal rate of speech and lower volume and pitch tend to characterize feelings such as boredom or depression.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 82). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Dr. Len Sperry Paralanguage 

Monotone voice often means boredom 

Slow speed, low pitch often means depression 

High speed, emphatic pitch shows enthusiasm 

Ascending tone often means astonishment 

Abrupt speech often means defensiveness 

Terse speed, loud tone often means anger 

High pitch, drawn-out speech shows disbelief

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (pp. 82-83). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

What Do Posture, Gestures, And Actions Say? 

4. Posture, gestures and actions

The movements of the head, arms, hands, legs, and feet can be very revealing. A person wanting to terminate a conversation, for instance, may stretch her legs, bob her foot, straighten the papers on the desk, close her briefcase, and/ or sit in an upright position in preparation for leaving.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 83). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

What Do Posture, Gestures, And Actions Say? 

Actions to Notice:

Late?

Sit in the back?

Cross their arms when listening to your sermon?

Whisper in the background?

What Do Clothing, Grooming, And Environment Say?

5. Clothing, grooming and environment

The way a person dresses and grooms herself and the environment she selects or creates for herself is part of her message about herself to the world.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 84). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Read Non-Verbals In Context

No single motion ever stands alone. It is always part of a pattern and its meaning is best understood in context. A specific gesture is like a word in a paragraph. The word can have many meanings, but only in the context of the paragraph or chapter can we accurately understand its intended meaning.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 84). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Note Discrepancies

You have probably noted occasions when a person's words communicated one message but her nonverbals suggested a very different meaning. The lyrics of an old song describe this kind of discrepancy: "Your lips tell me 'no, no,' but there's 'yes, yes,' in your eyes.”

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 85). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Common Discrepancies

Grief and Sadness

Some of the saddest utterances I have ever heard have been accompanied by the speaker's cover-up laugh. I have heard dozens of people tell the deepest griefs of their lives while cloaking their anguished feelings with a chuckle.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 85). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Common Discrepancies

Grief and Saddness

When a man shouts loudly that he is not angry, it may be that he does not want to admit these feelings to himself and/ or others. When a person laughs as she tells of a personal tragedy, it may mean that she wants to share this part of her life but doesn't want to burden the other person-- and/ or she may be ambivalent.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (pp. 85-86). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Be Aware Of Your Own Feelings And Bodily Reactions

One family therapist says that the atmosphere in a troubled family is easy to feel. When she is with such a family, she quickly senses her own discomfort. The atmosphere may be cold and icy, polite and boring, or very wary-- as if waiting for an angry explosion. In those situations, the therapist's body develops its own discomfort. When her stomach feels queasy, her shoulders ache, or her head begins to throb, she tunes into those feelings and becomes more alert to what is happening in that family.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 86). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

A Clear But Confusing Language

Through the centuries, popular figures of speech have developed that coincide with the language of the body. Fearful people are said to be "frozen with terror.” Angry people sometimes "tremble with rage.” Belligerent people are apt to "bare their teeth.” Reserved people seem "standoffish.” Confident people are "bursting with enthusiasm” or "swollen with pride.” Determined people "grit their teeth.” When trying to control their feelings, people "keep a stiff upper lip.” In spite of their efforts to hide their shame, some people "flush with embarrassment.” The prominence of these clichés in our language suggests that we all have some expertise in reading body language.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 87). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Reflect The Feeling Back To The Sender

In the process of verbalizing what you think the other may be feeling, several things may be achieved. First, you check on the accuracy of your assumptions about the other's feelings. Secondly, you may help the speaker become more aware of the feelings she is experiencing. Thirdly, your reflection encourages the other to speak about the feeling part of her situation. Fourthly, when the speaker hears her feelings reflected back by an accepting listener, she usually feels understood.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 87). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.