Reading: Action Guidelines For Improved Listening (Video Slides)

Action Guidelines For Improved Listening

Henry Reyenga

Don't Fake Understanding

Though people commonly pretend that they are listening attentively and understand perfectly what is being said in those situations, I believe it is important not to be phony. Authenticity demands that the listener admit he is lost and then work to get back on the track again. "I seem to have lost you. Would you go over that once more?”

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 90). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Don't Tell The Speaker You Know How He Feels

First, it is untrue. Our reading of another's feelings is at best an approximation. No one can ever fully know what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. Then too, that statement tends to block the speaker's attempt to present the details that would facilitate more specific understanding. Finally, the speaker will tend to doubt that you understand as much as you say you do. It is seldom helpful to tell another that you understand-- what is needed is a demonstration that you do in fact have some degree of understanding of his feelings.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 90). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Vary Your Responses

Possible responses to a distraught 20 something:

• " It bugs you to have your mother interfere so much.” 

• " You are annoyed that she intrudes in your life.” • "Such an intrusion!” 

• " When your mother intrudes on your personal life, you feel your independence and privacy are threatened.” 

• " You wish she'd treat you like the grownup you are.” • " You hate it that she keeps putting in her 'two cents worth.'” 

 Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 91). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Focus On The Feelings

When someone is talking resist the "fix it” mentality.  There will be time for suggestions about what to do later. 

Choose The Most Accurate Feeling Word

Emotions are the key to vital communication. In reflecting emotions, it is not only important to ascertain the right kind of emotion, but also the right degree of emotion. The feeling word should match the other's experience.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 92). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

A Feeling Vocabulary

Affectionate, angry, annoyed, betrayed, blissful, blue, burdened, charmed, cheated, cheerful, condemned, contented, crushed, defeated, despairing, distraught, disturbed, dominated, eager, empathetic, energetic, exasperated, fearful, flustered, foolish, frantic, guilty, grief-stricken, happy, helpful, high, horrible, hurt, hysterical, ignored, imposed upon, infuriated, intimidated, isolated, jealous, jumpy, peaceful, kind, left out, loving, melancholy, miserable, nervous, OK, outraged, persecuted, pressured, put upon, rejected, relaxed, relieved, sad, satisfied, scared, shocked, spiteful, stunned, stupid, sympathetic, tense, terrible, thwarted, tired, trapped, troubled, vulnerable, wonderful. 

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 94). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.

Develop Vocal Empathy

Empathy is listening with your heart as well as with your head. If the reflection of another's statement is made in cold, matter-of-fact tones, the person will seldom feel understood. On the other hand, responsive sounds by themselves can demonstrate a high level of understanding.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 94). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Emotion Chart

Levels of intensity 

Feeling words grouped according to levels of intensity. Words have slightly different meanings for different people. You may wish to move some of the words on the chart to a higher or lower level of intensity. Most words, however, convey approximately the same degree of intensity to most people. The blank spaces can be filled in with feeling words from Figure 7.1 (or other feeling words that come to mind).

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (pp. 94-95). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Strive For Concreteness And Relevance

Much of the time when we opt to listen, the other person has a problem. The goal of listening in such a situation is to facilitate the speaker's efforts to arrive at his own best solution to the problem. If the problem is discussed in vague generalities, it is difficult, if not impossible, to solve it. Vague solutions to vague problems do not lead to effective action.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 95). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Techniques For Clarity

1. Make the conversation more concrete.

 Sometimes listeners give a vague response to very specific statements. Obviously, we should try to at least match the speaker's level of concreteness in our responses. When the speaker is vague, however, the listener can reflect in a way that makes the conversation more concrete.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 95). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Techniques For Clarity

2. Ask some questions to make the conversation more clear.

Another way to foster concreteness in a conversation is to ask a few fact-finding or feeling-finding questions. "Could you give me an example?” (fact-finding). "How did you feel when she said that?” (feeling-finding).

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 95). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Techniques For Clarity

3. Stop the rambling (1).

A third way to facilitate more concreteness in a conversation is to prevent the speaker from rambling. When the speaker becomes longwinded, he undermines the concreteness, the purposefulness, and the intensity of the interaction. If the listener punctuates the speaker's ramblings with nods, minimal encourages, and the like, he reinforces the fruitless rambling. Even when one is basically in a listening role, the conversation can be purposeful dialogue.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (pp. 95-96). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Techniques For Correctness

3. Stop the rambling (2).

In order to respond frequently, it is sometimes necessary to interrupt the speaker. Many people find it ironic that good listening could involve interrupting the person doing the talking. It is possible, however, to interrupt the speaker's flow of words with a brief reflection, without making the speaker lose his train of thought.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 96). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Provide Non-dogmatic But Firm Responses

There will be times, of course, when you are quite confused about what the speaker meant. At those times, it is appropriate to say something like, "I'm not sure what you meant. Was it _______________ or _____________ that you meant?”

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 96). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Avoiding The Question Land Mind

Sample from Bolton: 

Sean: I've thought about this a lot and I just don't know how to handle this situation. What would you do if you were in my shoes? 

Morris: This one's really got you stumped! 

Sean: It sure has. Maybe it's because it is the toughest thing I have ever faced in my life.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 98). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Self-Revelation

The effective listener will occasionally tell the speaker some things about his own life. His self-disclosure, however, is not an end in itself when the other person has the stronger need. Rather, it is related to the goal of this particular helping relationship. The listener needs to determine whether his disclosure is apt to help the speaker understand himself more clearly.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 104). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

What Conditions Should You Consider For Confrontation?

First, a base of trust and understanding needs to be built. That base should be very firm before confrontation is attempted. 

Second, the listener must perceive incongruities which are essential to explore. 

And finally, the listener should be confident that the speaker is ready and able to do the difficult task of exploring these discrepancies. Timing and a nonjudgmental manner are important factors in aiding the speaker to utilize the confrontation effectively.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 105). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

Why Is Taking Responsibility So Important? 

•  The other person with the problem has most of the data. No matter how effectively he discloses and I listen, the other will have more data on his situation than I can ever have.

 •  The other person takes all the risks. If the solution isn't as good as it looked on the surface, the other must suffer the consequences. 

•  The other must implement the solution. 

•  The other's confidence and sense of self-responsibility are strengthened when he makes and implements his own solutions.

The other and I both benefit when he becomes less dependent on me as the listener/ helper.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (pp. 109-110). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

The Listeners Pitfall! 

If the listener doesn't feel the force of the other's anger, if he reflects without getting at least partially into the other's frame of reference, he will probably be creating distance in the relationship. That kind of "cowardly” listening has no place in a genuine relationship.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 111). Touchstone. Kindle Edition. 

You Are Human!

There is no reason why you have to actively listen to any person. As much as I love my wife and want to be present for her as a listener, there are times when I am unwilling or unable to pay the price of empathic listening. If she starts a "heavy” conversation at one of those times, I tell her that I am not prepared to listen well right now.

Bolton, Robert (2009-11-24). People Skills (p. 111). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.