Reading: Extension Blame Dampens Your People Smart (Video Slides)

Extension Blame Dampens Your People Smart

Henry Reyenga

Blame Stymies Communication Health

Blame, a highly contagious process, weaves through life like strands of hemp through a rope. We currently live in a blame culture, where finger-pointing, bickering, fault-finding, criticism, and condemnation commonly influence what we think, feel, and do. When something goes wrong, the first thing many of us hear is "Who is to blame?”

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 97-99). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Blaming Everywhere

The blame beat goes on. The child blames a broken pencil for a late school assignment. A friend blames a poor memory for not following through. The driver blames a pothole for a sideswiping accident. The rejected lover blames herself for everything. The meteorologist blames El Niño or La Niña for bad weather. The professor blames society for causing crime. The teacher tells the parent, "Your son is lazy and that is why he is failing.”

Blaming Everywhere

The basketball player looks at a spot on the floor to say symbolically that the floor caused his fall. We blame the coach for a losing season. We point the finger at fluorocarbons for global warming. We blame ourselves for the mistakes we make. We also hear blame disguised through harshly toned questions: "What are you trying to do?” "Why did you do it?”

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 123-128). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Habitual Blaming

Habitual blaming, however, can rise to the level of a syndrome, or a series of symptoms that characterize an undesirable condition. The  blame syndrome includes various combinations of whining, complaining, criticizing, fault-finding, finger-pointing, accusing, reproving, insulting, demonizing, bickering, carping, backbiting, chiding, scolding, mocking, sneering, slurring, branding, and defensiveness that can occur without much forethought. Of course blame has its place. Without social standards and controls, including measured forms of blame, we'd have chaos.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 130-133). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Blaming Defined

Let's start by defining "blame”: To blame means to hold responsible and to censure for cause. When we blame, 1) we rely on standards and rules of conduct, 2) we evaluate behavior against those standards, and 3) based on the degree of verifiable accountability, we receive or dispense penalties for rule violations. The process of blame is part of a larger social process of "consequence.”

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 135-138). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Blaming Is Crucial At One Level

Blame is necessary to maintain social order through holding people accountable for their actions. A person is culpable, for example, for causing an automobile accident by running a red light. If you habitually pay your bills late, you are responsible and you can suffer a penalty in the form of a lower credit rating.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 148-150). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Blame Traps

Blame traps come in different forms. Some of them are directed outward, as when we blame others for our own failings; others are directed inward, when instead of simply taking responsibility, we apply extension-of-blame thinking to ourselves or give flimsy excuses for our blameworthy actions. Some reflect a fear of blame. Others lead to paralysis and inaction. All involve a defensive deflection from personal accountability and responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 208-211). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

The Perfectionist Trap

Some people impose inflexible expectations, rules, roles, and requirements onto themselves or others. And when people invariably veer from these tight standards, the perfectionist is primed to blame. In this world, even the slightest mistake can rise to a calamity and the blame game follows. If you fall into this trap, start your exit by honestly evaluating whether your expectations are expectancies, opinions, or hypotheses. Chances are you'll find that you are expressing an opinion, and an opinion is not the same as a fact.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 214-217). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

The Ego Trap

Some people fall into the ego blame trap. If you're in this group, you probably follow Stephen Potter's one-upmanship gambit. By extending blame to others for their foibles and faults, you artificially boost your ego. However, this boost yields a false sense of security. Problems others exhibit do nothing to make your inner life blissful. To stay out of this trap, look for ways to praise others appropriately and to avoid degrading them.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 224-225). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

The Ego Trap

When you feel on top of the world, you may look around and see everybody as happy human beings. Envisioning others as thinking and feeling the same way that you do is a normal human tendency. A quick evaluation, however, can change this perspective. The same mechanism is at play when you fall into the projection blame trap. Here you attribute your undesirable motives to others. A con artist decides to cheat someone out of her money. Without a basis in fact, the con artist thinks that the person would do the same if given the chance. Now the victim is to blame for having similar motivations. This blame projection is a crutch to justify the unacceptable and to avoid blame. People stay out of this trap by recognizing and owning their own feelings and motivations.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 226-231). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Denial Trap

Denial takes many forms. A Pollyanna-ish denial is to perceive the world in glowing terms. Another is to psychologically block painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. The more common denial, however, is to consciously disavow blameworthy actions. This form of denial is the first line of defense against blame among people in a blame culture. If you fall into the denial trap, when things go wrong you'll find yourself falsely claiming "I didn't do it”; "It's not my fault.” This quick and easy escape technique diminishes opportunities for positive change. To stay out of this trap, put your efforts into addressing and solving problems rather than wasting time and energy on futile denials.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 238-243). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Whiney Blame-Trap

Whiney blame-trap people appear to feel overwhelmed, outgunned, and helpless to convincingly assert their preferences and interests. They whine and complain as a way of blaming. This is not a weak ploy but a highly manipulative blaming style. The trap has a big downside. The person frequently feels dependent and helpless. To stay out of the whiney blame trap, follow St. Thomas Aquinas's advice: "Let me change what I can, accept what I can't, and know the difference between the two.”Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). 

Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 244-247). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Depression Blame-Trap

When you're in the depression blame trap, you falsely define yourself as helpless yet blame yourself for matters that, if you were truly helpless, you could not be expected to control. Scarcely aware of this self-blame-powerless paradox, people in this trap live life without hope. To stay out of the trap, recognize that you can practically always find an option and that the smallest step to execute that option is a signal of your ability to change.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 249-251). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

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The Terrible-Person Blame-Trap

The terrible-person blame trap is among the most painful variety. You blame yourself and declare yourself a terrible person for being who you are. This blame belief boxes you into a self-defeating outlook. If you are a "terrible person,” how can you correct who you are? Those who stay out of this trap convince themselves to make appropriate changes, including changing beliefs that lead to this type of faulty self-concept.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 252-255). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Fear-of-Blame-Trap

The fear-of-blame trap places an artificial limit on ability. Many in this group refuse to take prudent risks unless they have a guarantee of success. Sadly, the person with an artistic vision pumps gas because he fears the words of critics. A fear-driven clerk with a cost-saving idea winces at the thought of her employer's scoffing at her idea. To stay out of this trap look for ways to accept rather than reject yourself.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 256-259). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition. 

Why Do Smart People Repeatedly Fall Into Blame Traps? 

Here are some common reasons: Those with ego problems are primed to refuse to admit publicly to being wrong. People practiced in the art of blame repeat this familiar pattern and get better at it. Where people protect themselves from blame by blaming, this defensiveness stunts growth and positive change. We sometimes escape consequences by shifting the blame onto others. This result can feel relieving or rewarding. That which is rewarded is likely to be repeated. People who unrealistically see life through a highly personalized perspective and refuse to admit to any wrong discourage others from giving them honest feedback.

Knaus, William J. (2008-04-21). Take Charge Now!: Powerful Techniques for Breaking the Blame Habit (Kindle Locations 273-281). Turner Publishing Company. Kindle Edition.