Reading: The Variables of Birth Order, Part 2

The Variables of Birth Order Part 2
Henry Reyenga

For Parents
Good questions to ask yourself:
What's your birth order?
Which child shares the same birth order?
In what ways do you tend to overidentify with and favor that child?
How will keeping this tendency in mind help you balance your actions and responses to all your children?
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 58). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Does a Critical Parent Live at Your House?
Here are some signs to watch for. 1. Your child procrastinates at everything she does. 2. Your child draws a picture, then tears it up, telling you it's no good. 3. Your child redoes his homework several times. 4. A simple half-hour homework assignment takes four hours. 5. Nothing is ever good enough. 6. You redo projects your child does (for example, you make the bed he already made).
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 60). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Critical Eye Fathers
But suppose the father has a critical eye and is very demanding and exacting. There is a good chance he could "destroy” his firstborn daughter, and his son will become the true firstborn in the family. Firstborn girls who grow up under a very perfectionistic, critical father are often hard on themselves and put themselves in situations that aren't healthy as they look for the love, affirmation, and acceptance they didn't get from their own father. When such a firstborn daughter grows up and marries, her husband will pay the price for the sins of her father.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 61). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Families
Handling firstborns, middleborns, and lastborns in one family is challenging enough. But bring two families together into a Brady Bunch or Eight Is Enough setting, and things get complicated in a hurry. Those classic shows, which still appear as reruns, create a plastic package where crises and problems are always solved neatly and easily as everyone blends into the "happily ever after.” But in truth, it takes a lot of work, planning, talking, and give-and-take in a blended family.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (pp. 64-65). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Wisdom
1. Don't assume there will be "instant love” among all members of the new family. Sibling rivalry goes back to Cain and Abel, and it's even more likely in a blended family, especially if the children are close in age and thus are competing with each other. So set the ground rules that it's okay to disagree but that it must always be done with respect for each person in the family so no one feels stepped on.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 65). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Wisdom
2. Don't assume it will be easier to have a blended family with a spouse and five children than it is to be a single parent of two. If you are not yet remarried, ask yourself the question, "Have we fallen in love, or have we fallen in need?” It's typical for people who have divorced or lost spouses in another way to say to each other, "You have two kids and I have two, so why don't we get married? It'll be easier for all of us.” Sure, it may be easier financially with all of you living in one home with one mortgage, but emotionally and relationally, will it be easier? Acquiring "instant children” can also mean acquiring instant problems.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 65). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Wisdom
3a. Mom and Dad must stand shoulder to shoulder-- united together as parents-- in order for the marriage and blended family to survive. Think of it this way. Most couples date for only two years before they decide to retie the knot. The relationship each of those spouses have had with their respective children is usually much longer. So is it reasonable to believe that a two-year relationship between a husband and wife who have remarried is going to outweigh parent/child relationships that have been in existence for several years at least, and in some cases, ten to fifteen years or more?
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 65). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Wisdom
3b. To paraphrase the old saying, blood in biological families is thicker than the punch served at the remarriage reception. When there's a fight in the family, it usually becomes the mom and her kids against the dad and his kids. And in that kind of warfare, the probability that a marriage will survive is very low. But if you and your spouse decide that you're going to stand together on all issues, no matter what (that means keeping any disagreement between the two of you away from the children's hearing and working it out quietly between you), and that "your children” will always be "our” children, you're giving yourself the best chance of success.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 66). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Self-Awareness
Another way the two oldest males may lock horns is if the mother's firstborn happens to be a neat freak who keeps his room clean (such things have been known to happen). He winds up having to share a room with his 16-year-old stepbrother, who is not that concerned about neatness and, in true firstborn style, doesn't like surprises. What happens when the neat stepbrother decides he's had enough of a sloppy room, cleans up the place, and "puts a few things away”? One word: Armageddon!
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 68). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Blended Family Self-Awareness
So the key to the blended birth order game is this: when a child who is born into one birth order lands on another limb in his blended family tree, do not treat that child as something he is not. He may have to take on different responsibilities and play different roles at times, but never push or force him; never forget who he really is.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 67). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Family Meeting Rules
Every member of the group has an equal say.
One person talks at a time.
No one interrupts until the person talking is done.
The atmosphere of the meeting must be one of mutual respect for all.
If heated conflict arises, end the meeting to give everyone time to go to their own areas and cool off. But before everyone leaves, set another meeting time in the near future (within a day) to come back to discuss the issue.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 69). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Helpful Tools
Part of a bigger picture birth order isn't a cookie-cutter process that ensures that firstborns will all march lockstep this way, middle children will universally do something different, and lastborns will all be the family comedians. Instead, birth order is designed to give you clues about what an individual is like and what their thought processes and feelings are.
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2004-09-01). The Birth Order Book (p. 72). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.