Reading: General Dad and Daughter Wisdom

General Dad and Daughter Wisdom
Henry Reyenga
 
Leman, Dr. Kevin (2014-05-13). Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter's Life Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Critical Eye
Critical-eyed dads can find the flaw in anything. They're always taking the cheap shot, the hit that says, "You could do better.” I see this in the stories of so many adults who tell me, "My parents never said, 'I'm proud of you' or 'I love you.' ” (p. 127).

Signs You Are Too Critical
• Your kid draws a picture and tears it up before your eyes because it's not good enough.
• Your kid takes a test and says, "I really blew it.” Later you found out she got an A.
• Your kid puts herself down before you can.
(p. 128).

Signs You Are Too Critical
Daddy Tune-Up Ask yourself:
• Am I quick to react?
• Do I prejudge people and situations?
• Do I jump to conclusions?
• Is my automatic answer no?
• Do I have a short fuse?
• Am I great at finding the flaw? A nitpicker?
• Do I have the need to be right?
• Do I blame others for my own shortcomings?
If you replied yes to any of the above questions, you've got a critical eye.
(p. 134).

The Not Engaged Dad
No matter what age your daughter is-- from babyhood to teenager-- she needs you. She needs to bond with you. She needs to know that you're a safe place to land and that you'll always be there for her. And if she doesn't see you all the time on a regular basis, she isn't going to bond with you. Young kids, in particular, have very sharp memories.(p. 150).

Take a Careful Look at Your Schedule
Record your daughter's events as your first priorities outside your regular workday, not your last priority, when it can fit in. When she has an event, show up if you're local. If you're long-distance, call her or text her right before the event; then do the same thing after the event. (pp. 150-151).

Research Activities Your Daughter Is Interested In
Take your focus off giving her gifts, and substitute activities you can do together. If this one thing doesn't change, nothing in your relationship will change. You have to spend time together to reestablish your connection. Find ways in which you can participate with her in those activities she enjoys. If she likes rock-climbing , find a local rock-climbing wall and try it out with her. If she likes concerts, take her to one, even if it's not the sort of music you like. If she likes to paint ceramics, it won't kill you to sit beside her and paint a dog or cat at the mall. Bet she'd love to have the one you painted with her, too, and she would display it proudly in her bedroom. Even more important, it's a reminder of the fact, Daddy loves me. (p. 151).

Show Her You Think of Her Throughout the Day
Send little texts. Create inside jokes between the two of you. Find fun videos and pictures to make her laugh and send her the links.
(p. 151).

Make Regular Appointments
If you live in the same town, go out of your way to make at least one night a week "Dad and Daughter” night. If you live a distance apart, make frequent trips to see your daughter, and use Skype or FaceTime so you can talk regularly, face to face.
(p. 151).

Ask Her Opinion on Issues You Face
Your daughter needs to know you value her opinion. If you make that clear to her, she'll also be more likely to share her own questions or issues she's facing with you. Kids don't like questions. Their defenses go up immediately . But saying, "You're really good at problem solving, and I'd like your advice on something,” shows that you value what your daughter thinks. She will welcome that kind of interaction and will go away from it feeling confident about her needed role in your family. (pp. 151-152).

Keep Your Promises
Dads who are trustworthy, never lie, can be counted on, and follow through on their promises produce trusting, healthy, balanced daughters who find trustworthy men who don't lie, can be counted on, and follow through on their promises. If there is pain and brokenness in your family from divorce, separation, or disillusionment, the time to change the pattern is now, before it affects the next generation of your family. The first step is deciding to change yourself. The second step is changing yourself. You can do it, if you choose to do it.
(p. 153).

Guide for Divorced Dads
1. Be there for her physically and emotionally. No matter what it takes, make her well-being a priority. If you haven't done this in this past, if you've focused on your own welfare instead, you'll need to win her trust once again. That means you make plans to spend time with her and support her in little ways, and then you follow through on what you say you'll do (p. 155).

Guide for Divorced Dads
2. Go the extra mile to support your ex. Your ex may be your ex, but a long time ago, you made her and your daughter your family. Real men take care of their families, even if the situation is far from ideal. Yes, your ex could be a real piece of work, but she is still your daughter's mother. Don't ever bad-mouth your ex. In fact, you should be doing everything you can to help her. Put in writing that you'll continue to pay for your daughter's private education and that you'll continue your spousal support at least through your daughter's high school graduation so that your ex can focus on what she needs to do most in these remaining years with your daughter at home-- be there with your daughter. Start putting aside money to help your daughter with college, if she is so inclined.  (p. 155).

Guide for Divorced Dads
Some of you are rolling your eyes right now. There is no way my ex is going to accept an apology from me . . . not now, not ever. But to reestablish your daddy-daughter connection, you still need to do your part with both mama and daughter. Your part is to apologize genuinely for what you did wrong and ask for forgiveness. Whether the other party extends that forgiveness is up to her. You can't control others' reactions; you can only control your responses. For your relationship with your daughter to change, you need to make right all that is in your power to make right.(p. 156).

Talk About Your Failures
If you want your daughter to handle her failures well, you better 'fess up about your own. Telling your daughter stories about yourself and the goofy, zany, and stupid things you've done in life is not only entertaining and fun; it's a great way to take the pressure off your daughter's internal self-talk. This is especially important to firstborn and only-born daughters who may tend to be perfectionistic and uptight, thinking they have to do things exactly right to please Dad.
(p. 202).

Saying "I am sorry.”
Practice Saying "I'm Sorry,” and say it often. I'm a behavioral psychologist, so you'd think I, of all people, would know how to navigate my daughters and their emotions without wreaking havoc on the female population in my house. But sometimes I do it very wrong and have to say two of the hardest words for men to say--" I'm sorry.” (p.203).
Also be willing to say "I am wrong.”

Reveal Your Embarrassing Moments
All of us have embarrassing moments. They're a part of life. Learning how to handle them is critical in your daughter's battle against perfectionism. You can start by revealing some of your own. (p. 206).

Don't Measure Her Success by Her Achievements
When Holly first went away to college, our firstborn, straight-A student started pulling all Cs. Years later, when someone asked her how I responded, she said, "Dad didn't overreact. His attitude was more, 'They're your grades and it's your life; if these grades aren't good enough, you'll either bear the consequences or get the rewards.' ” (pp. 207-208).

After Daughters Are Married
• Don't ask what she's making for dinner (especially if she can't cook).
• Don't take sides in any disagreement. Memorize the words, "I'm sure you guys can handle it; I'm sure you'll work it out.” That keeps you out of the line of fire and shows your positive expectation and confidence in them as a couple.
• Shut up until they ask.
• Don't give them money, unless they request help. • Keep your nose in your own business.
 • Ask about holiday visits. Don't tell. (p. 216).

A Good Dad's Quick Reference Guide
• Engage in your daughter's life to stay in her heart. • Be loving, steady, and balanced. • Your girl isn't a boy. • Your job: serve, protect, defend, take calculated risks, and problem-solve. • Know and love your daughter as an individual. • Make her feel special. • Keep your cool. • Balance always wins the game. • Tell stories. • Build your relationship. • Stay calm. • Side with Mama. (p. 235).